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I'm unstable, Mom's pissed, Fiance doesn't know what to do with me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TooShyToScream, Feb 15, 2011.

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  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I'm putting my foot down and taking charge for once - demanding what I need no matter what anybody else thinks or says about it. And what I need is anxiety medication - a benzodiazepine - to keep me calm. Every night/morning and sometimes afternoon into night, I cry uncontrollably, am scared shitless that my fiance will leave me because of it, and have a feeling of wanting to die as I can't even breathe properly. And all I keep doing during these episodes is screaming help me, or please don't leave me, or shit like that. All he keep saying is "I'm not leaving, bothing is wrong, calm down, etc". But its not enough. I freak the hell out. I threaten to cut, to kill myself if I don't get any help from anyone. And I would really do it too. Why shouldn't I if no one cares about me and won't help me? But my fiance doesn't know how to help me any more than he has been. So I decided I am marching my ass to the mental hospital after school today and demanding to be prescribed a benzo. I called my therapist and she said she'd back me up if they refuse to do it or think I don't really need it cause I called her crying saying I didn't know what to do anymore yesterday. My fiance's mom gave me 12 of her ativan in the meantime to keep me okay. When I told my mom about this, she flipped thayt I took the ativan, and she's also going to flip about me getting my own at the hospital. But what she doesn't understand Is that without this medication, not only will I fail school again because I won't want to go in the middle of a panic episode, but I'm also probably going to kill myself if my fiance can't help me one day and I have nothing else. And I don't give a shit what anybody says or thinks anymore about me taking these. I know I need them and I'm going to go get them. Cause I do care about myself and I want to get better. I don't want to die. I want to enjoy my life and fulfill my goals.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so glad you are going after what you need, but please be open to what is prescribed to you...hopefullly, the person prescribing the medication will be aware of what is available and choose the right one for you...hoping you continue to seek the care you deserve...big hugs
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    What a wonderful post!!!! You go for it. I envy your conviction and strength. I usually like to tell people to take babysteps but hun your bounding ahead on a path to finding things to help you recover. Hope you get this and can keep moving forward. Keep posting and let us know :arms:
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu deserve to have a better life and you deserve to have help to get there
    I am so happy you are taking charge of your own care and getting in there to get the help you need way to go
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Let us know how it goes at the hospital/centre place. x
  6. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I recently left the psychiatric hospital, unfortunately the nurse who evaluated me said that they are not a crisis center anymore and therefore cannot prescribe medication on the spot, only take inpatients and recommend patial inpatient/outpatient programs for patients to go to. However, they did give me the name and address of a place that can. It's an outpatient facility that allows walk-ins (so I don't hve to wait 2 weeks for an appointment) and will prescribe me what I need. I asked my fiance to call them to find out the details, and then asked him to take me there on Friday. So if all works out, I should have what I need by then :) in the meantime, I still have the ativan his mom gave me for emergencies. So I should be okay. I'll let you guys know about this other place when I find out more info about it.

    Was really nerve-racking in the mental hospital though. I couldn't keep my phone or anything on me. Had to take off my scarf and hoodie. It made me nervous. But I wasn't there too long. I can't imagine staying inpatient and not having any of my stuff though. That must be harder than anything else for people. No wonder a lot of people are scared to go, though I suppose some like the lack of control.

    Also, I found out I got an A on my psychology test today. Go me. :)
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Well done on your grade.

    At least you are getting somewhere with the medication then. Hopefully will all be ok on Friday.
  8. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Yeah, but I feel as though someone like me better get an A in psychology lol. I live it every single minute of my life.
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    My trick in psychology was making up names and saying that they said... and also if there is a prominent psychologist in a particular area say behavioural psych then I use them when talking about something in behavioural psych. It seemed to work as passed my A-Level with A grades in it and got a degree in it.

    My thoughts are there is no way the examiner has ever read every bit of psychology ever done so if I make up a name the amount of papers they read and mark they are never going to know.

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