I'm putting my foot down and taking charge for once - demanding what I need no matter what anybody else thinks or says about it. And what I need is anxiety medication - a benzodiazepine - to keep me calm. Every night/morning and sometimes afternoon into night, I cry uncontrollably, am scared shitless that my fiance will leave me because of it, and have a feeling of wanting to die as I can't even breathe properly. And all I keep doing during these episodes is screaming help me, or please don't leave me, or shit like that. All he keep saying is "I'm not leaving, bothing is wrong, calm down, etc". But its not enough. I freak the hell out. I threaten to cut, to kill myself if I don't get any help from anyone. And I would really do it too. Why shouldn't I if no one cares about me and won't help me? But my fiance doesn't know how to help me any more than he has been. So I decided I am marching my ass to the mental hospital after school today and demanding to be prescribed a benzo. I called my therapist and she said she'd back me up if they refuse to do it or think I don't really need it cause I called her crying saying I didn't know what to do anymore yesterday. My fiance's mom gave me 12 of her ativan in the meantime to keep me okay. When I told my mom about this, she flipped thayt I took the ativan, and she's also going to flip about me getting my own at the hospital. But what she doesn't understand Is that without this medication, not only will I fail school again because I won't want to go in the middle of a panic episode, but I'm also probably going to kill myself if my fiance can't help me one day and I have nothing else. And I don't give a shit what anybody says or thinks anymore about me taking these. I know I need them and I'm going to go get them. Cause I do care about myself and I want to get better. I don't want to die. I want to enjoy my life and fulfill my goals.