So, I've been out of a job since February 2010. I spent the months from February to May living off of my 401K, mostly because in my heart of hearts I didn't think I could get another job. Finally, as the money ran out, I began job-hunting. Well, that's been going about as well as one would expect. In July, I couldn't make my rent payment and I asked my brother to help me. He did and I was grateful. But, the thing is, I hadn't filled out my unemployment paperwork--mostly because I was overwhelmed by the form. The fact that the form is so date specific and there's not enough room on the job search form to fill in details--it just overwhelmed me, so I didn't fill it out. When my brother found out that I hadn't filled it out, he yelled at me. So, I lied and told him that I had filled it out. Well, I finally did my job search thing on my computer and sent it up to Sacramento. But, of course it takes forever to get word back and in the meantime, rent came due again. I didn't want to contact my brother, but my counselor said it was the only solution, so I did. He yelled at me, accused of me of not really job hunting, said he'd send the money but that I'd better not ask him again and so forth. I hate it when I try to tell someone what's really going on with me and I get yelled at. So, I remain silent. But then a crisis happens and I have to talk if I want to get help. So I talk, and I get yelled at and I fall silent again. And no one sees the pattern. And that's why I fantasize about razor blades--because if I'm dead, no one can yell at me anymore--or if they do, I won't hear them.