I'm very surprised to find myself here.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Electric blue, Jan 24, 2009.

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  1. Electric blue

    Electric blue New Member

    I'm not sure that I know why I'm doing this. I would say that I'm not here to complain about my life and pull attention-getting stunts so that strangers will rush to my aid, but if that were true I wouldn't be writing this. What I will say is this: I've looked through these forums, and I'm beginning to realize that things could be a lot worse, and I should be thankful for what life has given me.

    But of course, I'm not. If I were, I wouldn't be here.

    So let me start by describing my life. This will probably get long, I apologize.

    I'm an engineering student. I go to a good school, and I come from a loving family. I'm in my early 20's and, by anyone's measure, I should be enjoying the prime years of my life.

    Most of my peers spend their time partying and living it up, creating memories that will last them a lifetime. Those who don't are usually very academically accomplished, and will no doubt find themselves saddled with a great career in the very near future.

    But then there's me. I don't party because I don't drink. I don't make friends because I'm very socially stunted. I live in a single room, all by myself. You would think, then, that I would be one of those who excels academically.

    But I'm not. I went straight from getting all A's in high school to barely making through the engineering program here. I'm a junior now, and I'm surprised I've made it this far. For the first time in my life, I feel stupid. My professors look at me like one of the dumb kids and it tears me apart inside because in this case, they're right. My parents are so proud of me because I'm doing so well and I have such direction and focus in my life, but IT'S ALL A LIE. I'm not doing well. I'm not succeeding, I'm not making it, and I'm not even compensating by creating a series of inebriated memories that I can look back fondly on. The truth is that I can feel the years slipping away from me, feel my youth sliding out from under me before I've even had a chance to enjoy it.

    I don't have any joy in my life. I don't have friends here at school. I'm so lonely, I sit in my room and talk to myself because I don't have anyone else to talk to. The pressure to succeed is enormous, and every day is a new failure. God, I would give anything to just get all this pressure off of me. But I can't. I can't tell my parents that I failed at engineering. I can't back down now and live the rest of my life knowing that I blew my one chance to make something of myself. I look forward and all I see is a gauntlet of horribly difficult classes, lined with professors and employers looking at me like some kind of invalid. But I look back and I see my parents, so proud, so happy that their son is making a mark on the world. I can't fail them. I can't look them in the eye and tell them "I wasn't good enough".

    This is all compounded by a lifetime of insecurity about my body. There's no getting around it, I'm fat. I just am. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, I've also been blessed with bright scarlet cheeks. Thanks, god. Thanks for that. I'm so unbelievably insecure about how I look that I have to bury my feelings under multiple layers of denial just to keep from holing up in my room and crying.

    But that's not the really messed up part. No, the truly strange part is that I love engineering. I love technology and I love the field I'm in. I'm just not smart enough. I can't even imagine what else I would do. It's always been my dream to be an engineer, how can I live with the shame of having failed at the one thing I was ever good at?

    So here I am looking at the coward's way out. I have no illusions about what this is. If I end my own life, it will be the ultimate failure. I will be admitting to the whole world that I couldn't cut it, that I wasn't even brave enough to look my inadequacies in the eye. The only difference is that I don't have to live with the shame after this failure. I can tell you that the only reason I'm still alive to write this is because I don't want to put my parents through the loss of a child.
  2. kayla19

    kayla19 Well-Known Member

    welcome to SF. i hope that you're able to find some support and help here. after reading through your post, i think that you and i have a lot of things in common so if you ever want someone to talk to you can PM me anytime. :hug:
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi! i am new here. . . . as you are. just a few days ago. i think it is great that you reached out.

    hun we are ALL in pain, on this site. look at the numbers. so many others, do NOT reach out - (i like to think , we are the survivors....) just my opinion.

    i am so glad you are here- it is a caring place.

    you are NOT a failure. you don't have to be an engineer ! there are so many other things that you can do - what are your passions??

    i am much older than you (mom. housewife. 45. ) still. i find myself sitting here, alone. big house. but. alone. talking to myself, i do it constantly!
    this forum has been a lifeline . . . .

    the body-issues. .. . sweetie we are all different shapes and sizes. what matters is - CAN we love ourselves. can we accept our 'self' as it really is. the outer image only matters on a health-level. if you need to live a healthier lifestyle or make changes in order to insure a longer more quality life....well.....(most of us do!) i have my own body-issues. (long term ED now in recovery) true beauty does NOT come from the outer (degrading, constantly dying, aging) body. truest beauty is in the HEART.

    and i can tell you have a lovely heart : ) so glad you are here. reach out to any , to all of us. you can PM me anytime. i care about you. (you sound like a wonderful person) success is not measured the same - for each of us. money, prestige, what do they mean, 10, 20, 100 years from now?
    what MATTERS is - how you treat people.
    are you kind? (i bet you are)
    are you good?( ditto)
    you are definitely a compassionate and caring son to NOT want to hurt your parents with a pain that will NEVER be healed. that shows me you are so tenderhearted and good. :hug:
    stay here with us - and talk to us. anytime.
  4. Electric blue

    Electric blue New Member

    Thanks for your quick responses, and thank you mdmefontaine for the benefit of the doubt regarding my character. I feel somewhat better having just written this. I suppose the most important thing is to have a solid reminder that SOMEONE out there cares one way or the other. You have no idea how much it means to me to have such caring responses come unconditionally from strangers.

    Honestly, this kind of outreach is fairly out of character for me. I tend to find myself on the other side of this equation much more often. I like to help people who are in need when I see them. I guess sometimes it's important to be able to recognize the need in yourself.

    God, I don't know how I'm going to make it through these next three semesters. My suicidal tendencies have come in fits and bursts in the past, so I'll try to stay connected to this community and keep the lifeline in hand.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have made it through the majority of your engineering program so far. Sometimes the best people for the job are the ones that struggled the most to get through. They are the ones that know it takes effort to be successful and when faced with a problem they work harder and don't give up. Those that have never had to struggle give up when the going gets tough. Your diploma will read the same as all the others as long as you complete the requirements for your degree. I am glad you found us and are willing to reach out for support. Have faith in yourself. :hug:
  6. Milly

    Milly Well-Known Member

    Hi there electric blue.
    Im an engineer for a living, well actually im unemployed for a living at the moment but usually im an engineer:laugh: Engineering is a tough subject to master and when i was at college studying it, i found lots of aspects of it difficult and i still do, so dont feel youre a bit stupid or thick just cos you find parts of it tough because if youve got through the bulk of your course then obviously youre not stupid! Its one of the most academically challenging subjects out there and its changing and evolving faster than many other "sciences" out there.
    It sounds like you have a real passion and interest in it as well which makes a huge difference to job satisfaction and general happiness in later life - theres many many thousands of people who are stuck in jobs that they hate and have no interest in!
    Its also such a diverse subject that im sure you can find your own little niche of engineering to excel at, whether it be design, mechanical, electronic, electrical, chemical, etc etc
    Im sorry i can offer any real advice on your problems other than to say stick with it if you can and dont give up trying:smile:
  7. Electric blue

    Electric blue New Member

    Thank you gentlelady and milly, I really needed to hear that. As the semesters go by I'm finding it harder and harder to step back and realize that I'm struggling because this major is very difficult, not because I'm stupid. It's a fair point that the degree is the same in the end, and it's nice to feel like there is some benefit to my struggling. I feel much better hearing these words coming from other people. When I say them to myself, it sounds like I'm just making excuses for my failings.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello ElectricBlue,
    You say you feel the years are just slipping by. Unfortunately that is the ultimate trade off for getting an education. I went down the wrong path by getting hooked on drugs and there is not one day that I don't regret it. I could have went to college for free because my dad worked there. I blew it.
    As far as you struggling, have you thought about getting some one to tutor you? Or talk to a counselor and let them know you are struggling and need help. They may be able to give you options you don't knnow about. Just a thought. I never made it that far so I am only guessing about the help. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I second the suggestion to find a tutor. Nothing wrong in getting a little extra help. Likewise with the depression, can you go to the student health centre and find out about a referral to a therapist of some kind? A good therapist will not freak out about your suicidal feelings but will help you survive them, at least that has been my experience. I'm glad you found the site, and I hope we can help you through this difficult time.
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