im wearing clown curtains

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MissMisery, Mar 8, 2011.

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  1. MissMisery

    MissMisery Well-Known Member

    I'm sick of making a joke out of everything talking in riddles I even did it for the title to this thread! All I do is talk online in mumbo jumbo acting like I'm sum kind of comedian, everything I say I twist n manipulate into a joke or humorous statement. I'm tired of this, its the only time I put any effort into anything I just don't want to be dull n miserable how I really feel hiding behind the humour takes any distraction away from the real me and the lame duisgusting weak existence I lead with my bulimia. The curtains need closing and I need to shut my eyes and sleep I'm so tired
     
  2. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Good name by the way - at least you don't have to pretend here or turn things into a joke. If life feels like a situation comedy, gone wrong (the cast and crew have left you on your own) then get that off your chest.

    But, hats off for you trying to put on a brave face of sorts. I do thi myself I suppose, more to people I meet than online. I don't really converse online with anyone - I come here and have a few other forums dealing with normal things.

    Having a sense of humour is a good thing, but sure, you can maybe act the clown when you'd sooner talk about the things that really matter. Sadly, its not like you want to have that conversation with most people. Certainly not online, because the average 'social networking' website or forum would have a parade of sickos. It seems like half the world is demented and prejudiced if you look at comments on Youtube for example. But in the real world, most of these creeps say nothing much.

    At least your just adding humour into the general fray, which is laudable but can maybe make you down at times. Sharing humour is good but sometimes you have to share the side of human nature manifested in the feeling of doom that depression brings.

    Anyhow, you can be the 'real me' here. Nobody is going to blink an eyelid if you talk about things which English people avoid like the plague.

    As for bulimia, I know little about this. There is a funny line in the movie 'Zoolander' in which a girl confesses she is bulimic, and Zooland says "Wow, you can read minds!". Download it and watch if you want others to make you laugh.

    Mostly, we struggle to get some joy into our lives. We cannot feel that way all the time, but it's not to much to expect a little bit now and again. Wish I had a definitive answer there - but I'm sure you've felt some joy in life - at some thing, with someone else, doing something creative or just whiling the time away gardening or reading a nice book and so on.

    There are things worth living for - and the pain we feel, if we can face it head on and tell it to **** ***, its a start.

    Anyhow, what are you doing to combat this? Taking medicines? Therapy perhaps? I'm interested as maybe your doing something right that could help me and maybe your doing something wrong that might be clear to others.

    Bear in mind, we can the worse advisor's for our own selves. Self image and so on, makes a difference when people have a positive image. Funny how every ass**** under the sun seems to be confident and sure. But maybe that's just living some kind of illusion - never questioning enough to feel in the least depressed. You need a certain IQ to connect to yourself enough to become derailed now and again.

    So, good luck and don't give up the fight.
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you don't have to hide here or feel like you have to entertain people.

    do you want to talk about what you're doing now to deal with the bulimia?
     
  4. MissMisery

    MissMisery Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies. I'm taking Seroxat and have been for a few months now, it helped at first but I never increased the dose. I've tried other meds for depression and mood but seroxat is the only one with any effect. As for my bulimia, I've been in several eating disorder units but they are nothing more than fat farms just focus on food and weight gain rather than the core issues and emotions.

    I tend to be up and down in mood and this feeling of hopelessness its like I have a good phase then I get knocked down again. I have been getting out the house taking my camera and taking pictures of things such as nature wildlife etc. I do enjoy this, it takes my mind away from other things a pleasant escapism.

    I hope this darkness passes, I know ther is a life out ther and so much beauty in the world.
     
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    therapy or a support group?
     
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