I'm Wearing Very Thin...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by }{Feather Pen}{, Sep 1, 2007.

  1. I... have a headache...

    Everything, once and for all. All closing in around me. I try... But it doesn't help. Mark, he took my friends away kindly. I'm not mad at him. I love him so much. I do him so wrong. I'm a horrid girlfriend. A horrid sister, a horrid daughter. I just want to be good. At anything. But I'm nothing but a doorstep. In a house with no doors, nonetheless. I serve no purpose. I fuck everything up. No one cares about me. But I care about the world. I thought.. if I showed compassion... it would come back to me... But it didn't. It remains. Everyone is gone. My razor, it stays where I put it. And I don't let it out. Because I care for him so much. But he doesn't help me at all. It's where... It's gotten to where I've bottled everything up so much... That it's all just compressed itself somewhere. In a tiny part of my mind, a small pressure point. And it doesn't bother me now. But I know it's there, biding its time until times like last night. When, I crack. Because I'm such a... mean person. I can't play around. Because I'm the smart one. The serious one. Even with friends. I'm no longer amusing. I'm fat. And ugly. Nothing compared to. Left behind. Why. Why. WHY. WHY?! It's not fair, it's not fair... I want a good life... What the fuck happened? What did I do? I thought I was a good person.... oh, Jesus, I hate myself...
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I may have misinterpreted but it sounded like you've made some agreement to your boyfriend or family to hide your depression and bottle your feelings up?

    I can't say I agree with the decision if that's the case but then I don't really talk to my family about how I feel either but then I have friends on this forum that I can talk to if I am low and they help through each time.

    As long as you have someone you can confide in I am confident you can make it through too, if you don't then feel free to drop me a line sometime, I'll listen :)
  3. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Hey... Just to say, I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I can relate to how you're feeling. I guess that's all I have to say, because I don't want to bore you with my story.

    I don't really know what I can say for you. Just wish you the best... it's kinda crazy, I've been just screwing around for the past two months or more, just doing nothing, wasting my life. Whatever distractions, I guess, because I just wanted to numb all emotions. It sucked to feel. But it's crazy, by shunting everything real, I just forgot everything important. I have like four massive projects that I haven't done, all summer. And I've lost alot else... so I guess that's not the answer.

    But yeah, whatever. That's just my experiences... erm, nothing. You just have to hang on. There's never an easy solution. Just have to adapt, have courage. Heh, it's just... all worth it, worth living for. Your ultimate goal is to be happy, happy for you, on your own, an individual.

    Just... take care of yourself. Alright?

    Heh... you won't ever be anything negative, people only believe that when they call themselves down. There's no truth to "fat" or "ugly". You're beautiful, and you're a great person. I say this 'cause it's true.

    Smile :)
  4. I made an agreement with Mark to not cut and just "deal with it". But the only way I "deal with it" is not dealing at all, which leads to the bottling up...

    They all say just deal with it but some don't know how hard that can be...