Im worried I will have a nervous breakdown

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jul 20, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to talk to other mothers about this, mothers who are suffering thru hard times and mental problems.. I have let peices of this out in conversations and all I have heard is how horrible I am and how they feel sorry for my son, I definatly dont need to hear any more of that. I also dont need to hear see your doctor or take your medication - I have no insurance and am very low income, which means I cant see my doctor or afford my medication to take it..Heres my story..

    I always wanted children. When I was a little girl playing with my dollies I knew that one day I wanted to have children. After some miscarriages I decided it was best I didnt have any children and decided that I didnt want any kids anymore. I was broke and life was hell. My problems were getting worse and medication wasnt helping. I was also being plauged by terrible physical pains (that are worse now then back then). To make things worse my husband had just cheated on me and we decided to break it off. I was letting him stay here with me, we were basically room mates. To my suprise I was pregnant and we found out when he took me to see the doctor for a medication change (I had insurance until I was 19).

    I started to hate my husband because he cheated on me and now I was stuck with him. I was disabled due to mental problems, was turned down for ssi benefits, and without him I couldnt of paid the bills. I felt trapped and I started to hate the child inside me.

    When he was born I was happy, for a while. Stress got worse..and worse..Child protective services started bugging us because of some bogus claim but a revenge ridden jerk in the next county. They told cps that our baby crawled in knee deep dog poop - the kid couldnt even crawl yet. I had just started to foster the bond and love with my son and then that. I was afraid to bond with him, I with drew, because I was afraid Id loose him. When they finally left us alone three years later - the relationship between myself and my son (and myself and my husband) were in shambles

    I dont expect anyone to understand my feelings but I was wondering if any other mothers have felt like this... Sometimes I look at my son and am over come with love and happyness. Other times I just get angry and upset. Hes way behind for his age. I get mad and blame his father because that kind of thing is apparently common in his family. I get mad at me for not wanting him, thinking its my fault. I try to talk to family who just tell me Im awful and they feel sorry for me. I have no one..I feel alone..

    Lately I have been considering suicide. Nothing definate. I get angry, upset, cry, and think about it very hard. The urge to hurt myself passes but I still wish I would die. Sometime I beg the Gods to kill me.. I have always servived.....Being a sickly baby, car accidents, illness, suicide attemps..I always make it out alive.. There must be some reason..and I hate it.. I feel like theres nothing for me.. Im afraid to forgive people, to love people. Im afraid of strangers in stores..I have hallucinations, nightmares, and constant bad thoughts in my head. Im poor..I cant afford enough food to last the whole month (unless you count crackers, noodles, and beans as real food), I struggle to pay bills, birthdays and christmas always stink because I cant afford good presents for my family, and answering my penpals is a struggle because I dont always have change for postage (but those letters are all I have to keep me going). Going to doctors appointments for my son is a fight because the car is old and gas is expencive...

    I feel like Im on the verge ofa break down. Im nervous to the point Im actually in pain, my sleeping habits are awful, I eat and eat and eat, Im jumpy, and Im constantly fighting off the urge to bash my head into the windows. Im biting myself, almost broke the skin the other day, left a welt on my wrist. I just want to curl up, shiver, and cry...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I was serious. I know you want mothers to reply and since I am not I feel I should not reply further...

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