I'm .. Worthless..

[SmolderingIce]

I'm not a person.. I'm less than a person.. I'm a slave..
I go around, and let people walk on me.. It makes them happy.. It makes their life easier.. So I put on a smile, like they are doing a good job.. And I take it. I take the pain..

Recently.. There's been a guy.. (I'm a girl. btw.) He's a sexual monster.. I let him take advantage of me.. I let him rape me.. I screamed, and begged, like he really was raping me, because he said he liked it better that way..
I had to call him master.. And everytime I didn't, he'd cut my leg with his hunting knife.. I'd cut before, so it didn't hurt too bad.. But just the fact that I was practically letting him..

What is my problem.. What is wrong with me.. This is the best I deserve..
The sick thing is, I feel like he owns me.. I feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing.. I feel like a slave.. I am.. Nothing..

 

[flyingdutchmen]

unfortunally these people do exist that take advantage of thers, especialy when they see you let them.seems like you need to boost up your selfesteem. you deserve so much more than you think. what kinda guy would cut a girl ?! i mean, wtf ?! doing it to yourself, alright, thats bad enough but do NOT let anyone else do this to you. the low selfimage you have is most likely due to depression and does not reflect reality. what is your age if i may ask ? living alone ? with parents ? have any realy friends that you can count on ?

 

[peacelovingguy]

You need help with depression - this causes feelings of worthlessness and can lead women to accept abusive men who will then often isolate the victim (you) or just use you casually as might be a predator who has other women to do this to.

Get him out of your life ASAP - tell your family or someone. Right now you have consented but using the knife could be construed as assault depending were you live.

don't let yourself be abused by this dangerous man - because any man using a knife during sex and who cuts you is dangerous.

Depression makes you feel like you should be a victim - but get help and you will realise that relationships are not about abuse. You really do need help and I hope you get it ASAP.

Please tell someone.

Also, there may be some illegality depending on the age of this man.

My heart goes out to you - stop doing this to yourself, get help and you will not see yourself as worthless and some slave. You are a human being, you are born FREE and once you get well you will realise that and value yourself more.

 

[dazzle11215]

sometimes we find ourselves recreating the abuse we experienced as children. i don't know your story, but if that's the case, you can begin to heal and make healthier choices for yourself. it's hard work, but very possible and so worth it. a good therapist can help you better understand these masochistic fantasies and experiences. you don't have to keep hurting.

 

[Stranger1]

Sounds like this man is a predator.. How many other women has he done this to..You need to dump this guy now!! There are plenty of guys out there that would be happy to know you.. Please seek out some professional help..I agree with the other peep that he has out and out abused you.. You should call the police.. It's one thing to play fantasy games but to use a weapon on you is just wrong..

 

[SmolderingIce]

I'm 17. He's 17. He's done this, kind of, to one other girl.. But, he didn't go as far with her. She was just the tester, I was the target..

I live with my parents, naturally.. I don't have that many good friends.. He's actually one of my closest friends.. :\ He normally helps me when I have a problem.. Not relating to him, of course..

I have depression, yes. I'm on medication currently. I tried a counselor, but I hated him. And I'm waiting until summer to find a different one..

I didn't really have any childhood abuse.. My brother and I would mess around and hit each other sometimes, but it was mutual. Never too hard..