I'm writing this here because I've got nowhere else to go.

As the title says I've got nowhere. I've been on a few different forums and sites seeking help, and I never feel safe because the forums are way too lenient on other members who abuse their right to be a member and harrass and give very very poor (When I say poor I'm talking about damaging) advice.
This is the only place I feel "safe" enough to write this. I'm kinda asking for advise, but just someone saying that they're listening and they give a damn would be more than enough for me, sharing experiences maybe, or any type of reply that isn't destructive would be appreciated.

My life is getting better. I'm 15, live with my uncle and grandmother who love me and look after me, whilst never being soft on me. They're the perfect parental figures. They're strict, they're comforting, they talk to me, they look after me, they offer to pick me up from school after having a really bad panic attack, but encourage me to stay if I feel like I can manage. They spend a lot of time with me. They're literally the best thing that's ever happened to me. They've spent quite a lot of their own money before the child support started on my clothing, which my mother had woefully neglected.
But I don't know why I feel so awful.

The self harm urge has become less common, but I still get it every week or so. I feel ashamed because one of the rules of them allowing me to live here was no destructive behaviour at all and to talk to either of them when I feel this way.
I'm a mess, My heart (It's weird that heartache comes from the mind but it has that tightening feeling in your chest area) feels like it's being stabbed over and over, and the pain in my chest at times is so bad I struggle to breathe. I sit in the school bathroom crying near enough every day. The teacher who organises all the new students and allows you to sit with her has seen me cry countless times. Whilst at low points I told her a lot about the stuff in my life and how I feel, but I feel like I've gone too far and been impolite. I try and avoid her a bit now, and even when I was hysterically crying outside of the class and was brought in I didn't tell her about why I was upset. In general I don't really want to talk about my feelings, but I feel quite stressed and physically sick, and I hope writing it here gives me some peace of mind, even if I don't get any replies.

I know I have to carry on. I'm young and I'll be in college next year. I'll eventually get my own place and may get a better job, things won't always be this bad. Even at my lowest points I know I have a high chance of success if I can control my anxiety, and I think this is what is stopping me from considering suicide, the idea that I may one day have control and be able to move on.

There are days I get up and don't want to be alive. I don't want to get out of bed and when I finally do I'm on autopilot. I can barely speak, I can't eat, I'm exhausted. I feel like I am losing my sense of self at times. I don't sleep well. I have nightmares about being tortured. My last dream involded a boy I met at school waiting for me outside of my uncle and grandmothers house. As long as I was in the garden I was safe, but as soon as I left the garden, even just an inch he'd be able to get me. In my dream he hurt me several times and when I tried to tell my family, after escaping and getting back into the garden my family acted as if I was being a drama queen. A lot of my dreams have similar themes.

My makeup is one of the only things important to me now. I don't eat breakfast because I don't have the time because I'm doing my makeup, and I'm too tired to get up earlier. I find fixing a meal to be tirying and not worth it, I literally just put 2 pieces of bread on a plate and put a bit of butter on, and eat it.
I would spend all my money on makeup rather than food, and I know how childish that is. To me I feel like the makeup is the most important thing, because I cannot physically bring myself to leave the house without it. Wow, re-reading that I sound spoilt, it's just a coping mechanism and a way how to cope with every day life, makeup makes me feel confident and without it I can't look anyone in the eye, I stutter when speaking and I can't bare to look in the mirror.

I just needed to say this. I have no friends that I could say this too, I don't even feel comfortable talking about this stuff to my uncle and grandmother. I told the teacher at school to stop my counselling after 2 sessions because she wasn't listening to me and kept going over stupid things that had no relevence to my problem which I wanted counselling on. She also had a meeting 1 week, didn't tell me she was coming in early the next, she was then on leave the week after, and because the school was off for a week she wouldn't be able to see me again. I really don't need to have a woman who ignores what I want to say sit there for an hour listening to me and pointing out stuff that are in the past and I've sorted out on my own. Nor do I want to watch her occasionally, slyly looking at her watch.
I just don't need this. I don't trust anyone in real life, and no other site with my problems anymore. I'm either being called an attention seeker or I'm getting expressions from those I'm talking to that indicate they aren't interested in me at all.

I can't tell you why I feel this way. When I lived with my mother who wasn't the best parent to me at all, I could accept it was because I was living in a very small, dark house with a woman who had bipolar and struggled to control her moods. Also, I was usually spending about 8 hours on my own in my old house about 4 times a week in silence, and it wasn't long before I was talking to myself outload more than anybody else, how sad for a 13-15 year old.
But I live here now, I don't know why my mood hasn't cleared up. I'm not as self destructive as I was, but I still feel as sad and tired as I did before.

I don't know what I'm asking advise for, I guess if anyone reads this and feel they can give any advise then it's appreciated, but I don't really mind if there is anything. I don't think there is much that can be done.
I think I mostly just needed to get this out, and have someone read it who I don't have to look at in the face.
Thank you.

 

:hug: :arms: I read every word you wrote.First,. I think you are quite insightful. you understand why makeup is importantto you. its to help you to feel confidence you cannot find any other way right now.

I wonder about finding someone else to help. Clearly that counseller was not appropriate. I dont blame you for cancelling any future sessions. I just am wondering how you could find someone else. In my expereince things do not just get better. We actually do have to work on healing them. So thats why I want to suggest this to you. Here is my idea. I do not know if its a good one. I dont know if you said you come from the UKJ or I am just assuming that. If so, What about calling the samaritan connection near where you live? Seeing if they can find you some help. Because you deserve that. None of this is your fault. Your mother was not well. And this had a big effect on you. But with the right kind of help, I personally believe that you can recover from the panic and anxiety. And also work on the insecurities. Sometimes what we work on becomes almost like a strength. Because the insight we get from healing it makes us stronger as a person.

Ellie, I get a feeling about you that you are a very strong and smart person. Insightful. You deserve healing. If you want the phone number and a link for the Samaritains, let me know. oh yes. I totally agree with you about this community. I think its the safest one around. There is something about it that is so caring and heart centered.

 

Hi Ellie it is nice to meet you. I am glad your grandparents take time to listen to you and love you hun. You are right with time you can get better tools or ways to help you deal with your anxiety and sadness. Perhaps your grandparents can set you up doing things outside school things you enjoy like dance lessons or music lessons or sports hun just something fun and you can meet new friends that way. Just know we are here for you as well ok anytime you need to just talk hugs to you

 

Hi Ellie,

I've read your post. On some points I can relate to you, but I wont pretend to know how you're situation feels.

I do feel you're at least one step ahead of me. Somehow I feel that deep down you know what's causing this pain, but I might be wrong. But if you do, you might have won half the battle.

Whatever you do, don't stop talking. To your grandma, your uncle, a forum or just write it down for yourself. If you're religious (I'm not), I could imagine you could get strength out of that.
That's the only advice I could really give you: talk. Especially in your darkest moments, getting it of your chest really helps a great deal as you might of noticed writing your post.

Also, what helped me at a certain point in my life was a self-defense or fighting sport. I don't know why, but it helped me. I genuinely felt a lot better after some punching, kicking and sweating my ass off. Even when I really just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear, when and if I got myself to go anyway, I felt really good when I left there.