Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sad Rabbit, Aug 11, 2009.

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  1. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Imagine a place….
    …a place of darkness…
    Formless and without substance.
    Unending form of nothingness stretching off infinitely in all directions
    Although empty and vast, this place is also confining and crushing
    Cold and penetrating and piercing your very soul
    Overpowering everything you are, everything you do
    A place filled only with despair.
    Imagine falling through this void from nothingness, into nothingness.
    And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

    Imagine being born into this place
    Imagine growing up in this place
    A place unseen by other people and other things
    Imagine living each day in this place, falling faster and faster,
    into a darkness which gets deeper and deeper

    Imagine reaching out
    Imagine crying out
    Imagine the only sounds are echoes of your own screams as you descend into this Abyss
    Imagine falling, knowing people can see you fall
    Imagine falling, and seeing people walk away
    Imagine falling, and falling all alone

    Imagine growing old in this place
    Year by year, the cold darkness slowly penetrating your heart
    Squeezing and crushing you with piercing blades of hatred, anger, anguish and sorrow
    Slowly drawing your life away
    And as you fall, you can see your own hopes and dreams falling from you,
    Leaving nothingness and emptiness

    Imagine living your whole life in this place
    And all the time the darkness gets darker
    As you fall faster and faster
    Into oblivion
    Into nothingness

    Welcome to my world.

  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    But Graham if you look very carefully, you will see the teeniest shimmer of light. It may still be out of your grasp but it is there hun. It is cast from the people that do see you falling and they are tearing at the blackness to try and reach out for you. People like me and other memebrs of SF. SF can be that shimmer hun. Please as soon as you can reach out and grab onto to those people. We care and want to help break open the darkness and even blind you with light if we can. Can you tell a little more about you and your darkness? And maybe give me some ideas on how I can help you through this? It may be hopeless right in this moment, but it doesnt always have to be hun.

    You have a wonderful gift with words. You make them so powerful and gripping. Keep using them to help me understand your world a little more.
  3. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Thank you for your kind words Itmahanh.

    I carry this shoud of darkness as a result of a bad childhood, mentally abused by my family which has left me a loner and socially isolated from everyone. It has ruined my career and left me totally friendless. Those who have been close to me have left after a short time having used me and sometimes betrayed me.

    Over the years, this 'condition' has left me emotionally scarred and broken. Recently I have sought release from this shoud by contemplating ending it all and putting myself out of other people's misery - after all that is basically what I am.

    I am (sort of) being treated for depression, but it isn't going well. I take meds, but I am losing confidence in them.

    I don't honestly know what anyone can do to help me - I regard myself as being far beyond any basic help, this pit of darkness is too deep and strong for anyone to break through it - and I ask myself why anyone would want to?
    Not even doctors take me seriously.

    Thanks again.

  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    In a sense you are my misery. But not in the way you think. I share the feeling of hopelessness, that nothing can or ever will change or be fixed. I'm on meds that honestly dont do anything anymore but keep the pharmacuticals employed.
    But there is a chance for the walls of the darkness to be broken. Not completely at first but enough to let some light in to help you see things a little more clearly. I'm not promising it will change anything but it is a chance. You are here hun. There are people, not doctors or specialists, but you, me, real people that know the pain. Understand how confining it can be to body, mind and soul. How it grips you, slowly wrapping you up. Somewhat like an insect in a spiders web. It stuns you so it can make its move. Then it wraps you up and leaves you there alone with no way to escape. Then it comes back and promises to end all your fears and struggles with death. But just like that insect, you can escape with help from the outside. Well SF is your outside.
    "and I ask myself why anyone would want to?" Well me personally... because I understand your pain in some ways. No one can claim to understand it fully because unfortunately we help to create it so it becomes our own private entity. But I think we all start with the same instruction manual. And I'm tired of seeing so many others suffer alone. So if through my own Hell I can offer someone else some advice or just offer a shoulder to lean on then I will. Nope not going to say "things do get better", "keep trying for the sake of others". Just going to say you have found the possibilty of a new chance. You have people that do understand your pain. Maybe someone here may have the words that you havent heard yet. Maybe someone here may have a suggestion you didnt know existed. Maybe someone here has that hug that you have needed for so long now. So.... you have another chance at trying, with help this time. It's all I can offer and I hope that you can take it and maybe find a different solution than they one you are sitting with now. If it doesnt work out then you have lost nothing but a little time. But if it does work out you have gained years.

    Between you and me I think we might be the most "wordy" people here and SF may have to start limiting the use of words to say 100 a member (lmao).
  5. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    I appreciate everything your saying, but I think I am appoaching my tolerance in what I can cope with in life. Whilst I am always grateful to the small number of people who voice support, it would appear that there is a vast majority that don't. I have reached the ultimate conclusion that I am not basically important enough in this world for people to be bothered with, especially here in SF and more so in the Chatroom, where I am not even worthy enough to engage in conversation.

    So I have begun my timetable, my tickbox of things to do, things to put right and finally open my 'magic box' in a hotel room somewhere local to me. I will even leave a few plastic bags to leave my worthless corpse out by the bins.

    I have reached my limit and my end.

    Have a nice life, at least better than the one I had.
  6. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Often times, people will read the threads posted here but don't know how to respond, and so they don't.

    It doesnt mean that they don't care, it just means they don't know how.

    And btw, if you do this, you will hurt more people than you can possibly imagine.

    Please read the post in my siggy.
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No Graham. You are better than a few people in chat. I never go there just because it always hurts more than helps. It's a very cliquey place. So you CANT make any decision based on that. As for the small minority hun, it's something. I dont post to every member here. Only the ones that I think I can contribute to. To the ones I feel I understand their pain a little. Many members may not be able to connect with you on that level so they leave it rather than type in hugs and empty words of better things to come. Others come here for support and help just like you and I and cant bring themselves to help they are in too much pain themselves. Even if you only had me.... it's someone dear. Someone that cares and wants to help anyway they can. And that young man is something. In this dismal world of ours, you have found a few that want to help. To try and turn your darkness around. I understand the need to let go. To do what one can to eliminate the hurt, to have come to the end of your tolerence and rope. So I'm offering you a longer rope. To hang in there with a little longer. IF I cant help, then when you reach the end of mine then you can make the decision as to whether to let go or not. But please dont give up quite yet. I see the potential of a person that needs some help to regroup and a place where he can rest a bit, let his guard down and know that someone else is keeping watch for a little while. I'm not saying or promising that together we can fix the world. But we have just started trying to fix our little corner of it. I think you have been battling this fight alone for so long. Maybe you arent quite sure how to let someone else in to help. I know I am that way. I offer help so often , but am never quite capable of taking it when it is offered back. Always a little leary of the intention behind it. So when the suicidal thoughts and urges are there, naturally I turn to them as my solution. Dont give up yet sweetie!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2009
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Graham I'm sorry for that last post. The words were in my head but they came out through my heart. I didnt mean to sound like you were basing your opinion on chat and here. I know they are just the tip of a very large iceberg. That they may been one of the last things that helped push you to the very edge. But I wont aplogize for trying to get you to see that you are important to at the very least one other person. I'm here if you still want to try hun.
  9. Sad Rabbit

    Sad Rabbit Account Closed

    Please - no apology neccessary. I understand what you were saying. But also please understand I am not doing this without justifiable reason or cause. My life gets worse every day. If its not homelife, its work or its something else. I have been very patient in waiting for some resolution to this situation and I feel I have done everything I can in an attempt to solve it.

    But my situation is never going to go away or is ever likely to change (for the better). This thing with the Chatroom is only a minor issue, but its one more thing on top of a overwhelming pile of other things, and right now, I feel the weight of it all and I feel I cannot hold this weight any longer - or more accurately - I don't want to hold this weight any more.

    I just feel tired of it all and there is nothing left inside me - except a sense of hopeless futility - to keep going on.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    We're taking you seriously though. I don't know what's gone on in chat; but I know there are people here, on the forum, who are listening and want to help. You can get out of this pit of darkness, but you don't have to do it alone. You're not beyond help, and you're worth helping. Please, let us help you out of that pit. Even if it feels like the majority doesn't want to help you, there will always be people who genuinely DO want to help.
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