Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Shagarath, May 22, 2016.

  1. Shagarath

    Shagarath Active Member

    so... after talking to my psychiatrist again, i have found that all the thought and feelings overwhelming me, isn't just the feelings from my earlier years as a "robot", there are also a strong feeling of loneliness, because of the loss of emotional support... my dad was a nice guy, dont misunderstand me, but he didn't know anything about how to show or talk about emotions. i learned quite early that the best way to solve any conflict was to swallow up the hurt/anger etc and have a calm conversation about it.
    i dont know if this is what did it, but at this day, i still cant scream back at anyone. when i think back to all those kids that made my school life a living hell, i dont want to hit them (witch i hate my self for) i actually just want to sit down and talk and really make them understand how much it hurt.

    i feel empty and alone, because i feel i dont have anyone to really connect with.. so far i have managed to open up emotionally for 3 people... my ex, one of my psychiatrists, and 2 weeks ago; my childhood friend.
    those are the only people i have ever managed to cry in front of, because showing so much feelings feels wrong, if the other part doesnt do the same thing. that, and maybe more importantly: some place deep within, im scared to give anyone an opportunity to look down on me (because enough people have done that already)

    well... the most damaging thing here, is maybe the child in me, feeling "loss" about the emotionally support it never got. however, i cant just go and tell this to my parents... then the whole thing would just feel out of place, and it wouldnt feel genuine, since its something i have asked them to provide.
    anyway... before i could ever go tell them something like that, the child in me will have to stop looking at them as my enemies. this might sound a bit strange, but ill try to explain..

    a few years before i moved out (i moved when i was 21 i think) i started neglecting time with my family, prioritizing the computer with skype/msn and stupid small games. this had 2 reasons:

    1. my parents would always tell me to help out in the house or do small jobs that i had agreed to once, but never got "in the mood" to do (mostly because they always asked me when i was gonna do them) this was their (bad) way of telling me they wanted to see me more, and that i used too much time by my self in front of the computer.

    2. i had started becoming depressed... i was no longer able to make my self happy, but needed a flirt or something to keep me in a good mood. i didnt knew that back then, but the games was my way of stopping my self from thinking too much. this was in the phase where i was coming out of the "robot mode" and one major thing with the robot mode, was that it limited my thoughts so much that i was unable to remember what week day we had PE, even after a year with the same schedule. limiting my thoughts with gaming, was probably my way of slowly easing out of the mode...

    anyway... because of those 2 points its easy to see that some tension would build up between me and my parents right? well, after a year or two we could barely speak to one another, and my ex (who hated my family because she thought they where "too rich," she had a few loose screws, to say it that way) didnt make it any better. me and my parents however, agreed that the conflict was simply "the result of 3 grown ups living together" and put it behind us. i have used them a lot to get through the depressions, so everything should be fine between us.

    however... the child in me lost his "super dad" that could fix anything, and got a angry boss in stead...
    the fact that i keep saying "it was just a small conflict" and "nothing to worry about"... i have accepted that things have changed and have moved on... because thats what i have always done... turned my back on hardships and walked away... the child in me wants it all back, but the older me just wants to show all of this in the face of my parents, to make them realize how much it really hurt. just to turn away and say "its too late to fix now" (just wish that that would hurt them more than it would me)

    i dont know what to do... i guess its up to my psychiatrist eventually... but it feels isolating to know that parts of me wants to push my parents away (i know i cant just ignore that feeling, because its important) and when my parents calls me to hear how im doing, and im just saying that "i'm not gonna talk about this now" because im not prepared to tell them how i feel... well... it aint a good feeling...