Impatiently waiting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by middleofnowhere, May 6, 2008.

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  1. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    In spite of more than two years of help from a psychologist, a psychiatrist, two psychotherapists and two stays at a suicide recovery facility, I still want my life to end. By now, though, that fact is well documented, and even if I were to die of natural causes it would seem suspicious to the insurance company who carries the $250,000 policy on me. So, now I have to pretend for at least six months that I've recovered before I can hope to stage an accident. I don't know if I can wait that long. Maybe I'll luck out and really die from a sickness. I've almost died three times in the hospital because of stomach and intestinal surgeries. Why couldn't they have just let me go?

    My hope is that my stomach will quit working again and I'll be able to endure the pain until it kills me. Trouble is, being a man, I have a low pain threshold. When the pain hits, I head for the ER. But, there's no certainty that it will happen again. It could happen tomorrow or a year from now or never. I'm still working on how to make it happen without it appearing intentional. I'm down from 8 feet to less than 2 of my colon, and my small intestine lost nearly 4 feet. So, I suppose I'm at higher risk, and it wouldn't be a total shock if it were to kill me. Maybe next time it happens, I can get in the pickup and take a drive away from town and let happen what will happen.

    Making a suicide look like an accident isn't as simple as it would seem. I don't want to mess up my car or pickup, and my old pickup is Chevy solid, and would protect me from death. I guess it's a waiting game. Maybe God will be merciful and let me die soon. I'm so ready. I haven't attempted for two years - that's a long time to hold in the desire to die.

    I can wear a convincing mask - I wore one for 40 years undetected, until I decided to take it off. Now, I'm wearing the "I'm fine" mask as much as I can. I guess I'll just wait to see where life leads me.
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    remember, you've felt this way before and managed to get through. as much as it seems that you are in the same place as two years ago, you are not. you know so much more now. you know about depression and the lies it tells us, you know about asking for and receiving help, you know yourself a whole lot better.

    please let your therapist and/or support group now that the feelings are back, full-force. i remember you wrote that the doc was adjusting the dosage on your meds. could it be related to that?

    hang on.
     
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