Imperfect

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jokalo, Jan 5, 2011.

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  1. Jokalo

    Jokalo Member

    I try to be what I can’t be… I call myself a Wicked clown 5 years ago… was it worth it? To say that I’m part of a family now? You can’t be a Juggalo unless you “Weird” or “Strange” because no one else would take you… now I’m being denied by the family…

    I don’t fit in anywhere and when I hear people saying how there life sucks… I mean they say there shit on facebook and 5 min latter they have 15 comments saying that they care, 5 min latter I’m still waiting for a comment,
    I truly can’t fit in anywhere… I get in a chat with someone who seems like they’ll be my friend because that person is talking about the same shit I’m into, after that chat I never hear from them again because THEY have friends, I have only one person I can call a true friend, I started falling deep for this one girl… the last text I got from here was “No. But it’s whatever now….. Just fuck it.” She hates me now, since I been out of the ridge I been smoking pot like a mother fucker because it kept me happy and I didn’t have the need for drama… but now I just don’t give a damn…. The old friends I had never really was my friends… after I graduated everyone stopped talking to me… no one EVER wanted to talk to me after my bull shit,

    Jimmy, Stephen, Vince, Alex, Michael, Nikki, Josh, Christina,

    All my old friends and I don’t hear from them anymore…
    People always bitch about not having a life and bull shit like that, cutting yourself because your girl left you, I fell for 6 girls, they all either, Cheated… killed themselves… Was dared to get me to love them…. got bored with me… or found someone better…. And the newest one, gave up on me….

    I Lost ALL friends but one,
    The Juggalo Family has thrown me aside,
    I can’t get a job,
    I’m fucking retarded,
    Ugly as hell,
    I get picked on for my life choices,
    I get yelled at because I’m depressed.
    I never finish what I started,
    I never fight and people pick on me for being a “Pussy”
    Therapy never helped because when I was depressed it wasn’t my day to go, and when I did go I wasn’t depressed at all so I couldn’t talk about how I truly felt….
    I’m a fake in the eyes of many, I am truly what people would call, a loner… Poser… A nobody… and the fact that anyone would actually be reading this would shock me to have then still reading… I gave hints… I gave clues of my failure… everyone saying that I gotta man up and go threw it on my own… I can’t do it alone… Never could… that means I’m not right for the world, means I’m imperfect and I can’t fit in with society…

    Sorry... I wasn’t good enough for you… for anyone… I wasn’t good enough for the Juggalo Family, wasn’t good enough for my past friends, Wasn’t good enough for Love, Wasn’t good enough to fit it with everyone else... because there’s no one in the WORLD like me… I know everyone is different but they still fit in with everyone else.
    They still fit in with some kind of group. I never had that… never had a group to be apart of… because I was Imperfect threw the eyes of all…
     
  2. Jokalo

    Jokalo Member

    guess no one cares, even on here....
     
  3. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    hey, i'll reply about other things later, but just wondering...do you really want to be a juggalo?
     
  4. Jokalo

    Jokalo Member

    you see juggalos as evil looking clowns...
    but after being in the family you see what were truly about...
    juggalos arn't what you take them for
     
  5. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    i never posted my opinion about juggalos, i simply asked if you really want to be a juggalo. do you?
     
  6. Jokalo

    Jokalo Member

    i been one for 5 years now,
    but im giving up on it all because the juggalos today doesn't want me
     
  7. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    then stop trying to fit others, stop looking for a family if it doesnt accept you. make yourself stronger first, cause it takes a lot of courage to stay alone (thats why most people go from one relationship to another), and if you cant accept yourself...it's harder for others to accept you.
    and being a "pussy" is nothing to be ashamed of. ^^
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you have one friend that is more them some of us have. I know what it is like not to fit in thru poverty thru mental illness but we have to find our own path find something that gives us purpose You have to find what it is you want to do with your life what is your passion and go after it. Don't say it cannot be done okay I had nothing noone litterally but i fought and became someone from a noone and not a soul can take that from me now. Please find something that brings you joy and go after it what ever it may be. It is up to you to carve that path for yourself noone can do that for you hugs
     
  9. Jokalo

    Jokalo Member

    i was rasied to beleive that i was nothing but shit,
    not by my parents but by the people i been around,
    i never had ANY friends untill 9th grade,
    in 1-5th grade, while the kids people with eachother outside i always stayed behind watching, sitting under a tree...
    never talked to anyone, sat in the back,

    people say they wanna help but all they did was lock me up and gave me pill after pill after pill,

    FUck this..
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that people could not see your sadness your pain i really am i know how hurt that felt . But today you need to look after you okay The professionals did nothing for my family for me we had noone NOONE and i am j ust realizing now with therapy that what they said about me was not true none of it was true You are someone You are important You can be whatever you chose to be. Please understand you need to see that inside you with councelling psychologist a good one you can heal you can let go of the pain and move forward you can
     
  11. Jokalo

    Jokalo Member

    no no no no, Therapy NEVER helps,
    just pills pills pills pills pills,
    im tired of it,
    and all my life i been dealing with major depression,
    it's not something i can just stop and say "IM WORTH IT"
    it just doesn fuckin happen
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I did not say you could stop it but you can move forward not be strangled by it
    Therapy why not it has help me see who i am meds just even out the chemicals in the brain they donot help with low self esteem with trauma with emotional pain

    Therapy with a good psychologist one that knows what they are doing works it took me awhile to open up to trust to find one that did work but i idid i push on through the pain hell i still am pushing on through that pain

    I feel for you because you are in such a dark spot you cannot see an opening I do hope you can get the support you need talking here will help releasing the anger the pain does help I am sorry you are suffering so greatly
     
  13. Jokalo

    Jokalo Member

    ya but to get help like that cost's Money,
    to get help at all you need money..
    no money they peopel dont really give a shit about helping you professonaly(Sorry not a real good speller)
     
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Some professionals will charge you on a sliding scale according to how much you can pay Universities the graduating students there in psychology will take patients on for a minimal fee. They are good they are eager to help they have new insight Funny the most of my learning was through fighting the fights on my own though when i was young i learned to keep my eyes open i learned to listen closely who to trust who not to trust i am still working on that one. I just want you to reach out to anyone you trust okay here a teacher anyone and just talk okay let it out hugs
     
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