Imposter? Trigger warning

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by confuzzle, Jul 2, 2009.

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  1. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    Im not sure if i should be here. I wish i could say more, but i found that there is a small limit in this forum. I've thought about suicide before, until it was often on my mind. But that was months ago. I felt happy for a while, but now things have gotten worse. I've started crying more, (more than six times in four days) and ive googled up suicide and my mind has been going to darker places.
    But at the same time, i tell myself that im all pretending this. That im blowing things out of porportion, that im faking these tears, doing it just cause i can and feel sorry for myself. Then i feel like i really am faking, but then why would i want to do this to myself? It makes me feel really confused and lost and i found this place just so i didnt get too out of hand.
    But like today, i felt like i wanted to write a history of my life, not in any morbid means, but just like, my life has had alot of stories, with alot of them bad, some of them good. My dad physically abused me as a kid, i never really fit in or felt like i fit in, i always felt like an outsider. I constantly blame myself, and ever since my first serious relationship with a girl, ive hated myself. I hated myself for comprimising my morals when we had sex, and it really hurt. I alternated today between staring out at nothingness, listening to music, crying, and trying to call my girlfriend. She is everything to me, and im going to college next year. I had a pretty bad senior year, and going off to college with no gets pretty scary.
    I know im dragging this on, and i didnt mean it to, but at the same time, i feel like i shouldnt be here on this forum. Alot of people have it worse than me, but im also afraid.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, confuzzle, and welcome to SF!

    The events and feelings that bring us to this site are important to the individual who comes here...There are no criteria for comparing the problems people have and there isn't a contest for who has it worse or better.

    I certainly don't think you're an impostor. I do think it might be wise to make an appointment with your family doctor to see if you are clinically depressed. You're still at home with your parents, so if you can talk to them and say how you've been feeling that might also be a step to feeling better.

    (You're NOT an impostor.) :hug:

  3. confuzzle

    confuzzle Well-Known Member

    That helps, at least a small smile.
    My parents arent around, they are across the country, and im staying with a friend.
    What would happen if i went to the doctor? Im scared of going to it because i dont want to get drugged up. I dont want to just be sedated into thinking im happy.
    Its hard to think right now though. Like, I think im doing fine normally, and i dont think about it. Lately though, as in the last week, alot of my past has come up again, and i cant forget it or brush it off. Its fucking weird, like ill be somewhat fine, and then now like this. Its hard, im talking to other people right now like everything is fine, i hate playing this facade, but i cant tell them. I dont want other people knowing, and calling my family, and that would fuck up everything.
    I dont know, sorry for ranting.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Confuzzle welcome to the forum!! You have every right to be here as everyone else..You will find that once you get into the swing of things that you will get some good advice and make some new friends..
    If you are afraid to see your doctor then how about a therapist.. They don't prescribe meds and they can teach you coping skills and how not to discount your positive thoughts..They also can teach you all about cognitive distortions..That has really helped me..I keep a list of them on my wall above my desk and look at it everyday..I wish you all the best..
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