Impulsive feelings but I don't want to

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Don't Want To, Nov 16, 2011.

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  1. Can someone please help me figure out what's going on with me and how I can take steps to help myself? I feel like I don't really want to do it but I have this impulse to do it that feels like it is beyond my control.

    It's not the typical ideation and wishing I wasn't here. I do want to be here, and I do want my life to be better. But there is this part of me who hates me.

    I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about something I did as a small child. I feel like my anger was out of control at the time. I feel like I was a really bad person. There is a part of me who despises and loathes myself.

    But there is this other part of me. This part of me who is convinced that I am a danger or a threat; rationally speaking I really don't think I am but this part of me is convinced that since I had such anger and was capable of destruction at four years old that I can still be capable of it now as an adult if I get pushed far enough.

    I did deal with emotional abuse and some mild physical abuse (like pushing) when I was growing up and I think that's where my anger comes from and then I later went through trauma.

    So anyway, between this terrible guilt, and the part of me who hates me and distrusts me, there is this impulsive thought to destroy myself so that I can never be a danger to anything ever.

    It is like an overwhelming rush of emotion. To do it immediately, quickly before I can change my mind and escape it. It knows I want to preserve myself and keep myself safe, so it gives me this incredibly strong urge that is nearly impossible to resist, starts glancing around the room at any object that could be used. I feel drawn to it.

    The only way I was able to get out of it was thinking my way out of it. I had to think of how it would be horrible and painful - a lot of agony. I had to do a lot of quick thinking. This happened a few times during two weeks.

    It has nothing to do with easing my suffering or anything. It's about protecting others. It's about punishing myself. It's about restraining myself. I haven't done anything destructive with my anger as an adult at all and until these memories of childhood got triggered I wasn't feeling suicidal at all.

    I've only had ideations twice in my life - once was many years ago when I was being bullied but that quickly passed when I talked to a friend, and the second time was four years ago when I was being emotionally abused and I was feeling like a burden on my loved ones - that only lasted a few weeks or something.

    But those ideations were completely different from what I'm feeling now. Those times I was feeling low self-esteem and it was all about me and my suffering. This is totally different. I guess the low self-esteem is still there of course or else I'd be able to see that I have some value.

    I actually feel like I'm being selfish for wanting to stay alive and to survive. I feel like I deserve whatever punishment I may get. I feel like I need to just take my punishment. That I keep trying to escape it. And that I'm callous to want to stay alive.

    So I don't know what to do.

    I don't know if there are techniques I can use that will help my self-control in those situations where I get an impulse to be destructive to myself. I'm doing the best I can right now, but I really need more things I can do to take my mind off it and combat that strong emotion with something else.

    What do you think is going on? Is there a name for what I'm feeling? I just feel like the regular resources for people who are feeling suicidal aren't helping me because I really don't want to die, I feel like I have to.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it sounds like if you saw a good therapist, things could get a lot better

    finding a way to deal positively with your anger, dealing with your feelings of guilt and low self-worth sound like achievable goals

    maybe it would help to think about how much better you could feel if you got help for it

    maybe if you imagined a four year old child doing the same thing that you did. then asking yourself if you could forgive that child. asking yourself how you would council that child.

    I think that things can get better for you.

    there's plenty of people in the world who do horrible things and don't care that they hurt people. overall, it sounds like you are judging yourself too harshly.

    I think that the world will be much better off with you in it than not in it. if you can just work on yourself a little, I think it would be great for everyone


    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This reminds me of a conversation I had with my therapist where I asked him how will I know when I am no longer broken. Sounds like the shame you feel from what you did as a child, an act that left you feeling so awful inside has yet to be resolved. Dying to protect people from you is such an awful state, but know that anyone who feels that way, does not need to. As it was suggested, maybe talking to someone and working on this will put the past to rest...just my 2 cents...hope you feel better
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