Impulsively Suicidal

[Kiba]

ARG.. I just.. I want to DIE! I can't do this right now!! I'm in a lot of pain because of this freakin period and I had to take the damn morning after pill last week cuz this freakin GUY was a JERK.. And then I impulsively ODed Friday and I didn't go to ER cuz I am totally PARANOID of them!!!! GOD! The freakin ER's Think I'm a fuckin LIER! Last time I went they told me I was lieing about having PTSD and told me dad I lied to him! I don't fuckin get it! I guess after 5 fuckin years of attempts and shit they really dont give a fuck! I kinda just want to kill myself some way they can see me die on the table! FUCK! Then maybe then they can be happy!


This fuckin pain I have right now is on a scale only 1 number below when I have my apendix removed.. I generally dont have periods at ALL!! So when I do for one, the pain is BAD! And then the morning after pill is like.. same drugs as birth control only higer dose. And I dont take the fuckin birth control because it causes me severe migraines and makes me suicidal!


UGH! I think this may just be the fuckin begining of it! I also am not sure but this morning I got off the computer to lay down and was talking to someone on my phone MSN. And I freakin passed out or dozed off somehow.. I don't know!! I'm not sure how much more I can take and I can't go to fuckin ER because they hate me and I can't handle it there!!


I just want to fucking DIE!!! And I'm sick of this pain! And I'm trying not to fuckin complain cuz its all my won damn fault but what the hell...

I'm sorry for all the fuckin cussing.. UGH

 

[jxdama]

you are cool, swifty!! we love you here.

 

[dazzle11215]

if you can't go to the ER you should go to see your doctor. you can get some drugs for the pain, i'm certain. i also think you should explore DID with your therapist. sounds like you are losing time. i know you've had some childhood trauma. dissociating is a common response, it's just a matter of how far it goes. for me it's just spacing out and getting all floaty, but for some people it goes much further. what you've described on other threads sounds like switching and what you describe above sounds like losing time. good luck,

c

 

[Sadeyes]

I know how you feel Swifty...but it will pass...and you know you have all these ppl here who care...do not let anyone else determine your self worth...what they think only serves them, and does not reflect you...you know what happened and who you are...J

 

[doityourself]

Hugs Swift

Im a horrible cusser to, lol.

 

[Kiba]

Thanks J and Dazzle.. I have discussed DID and other things about the dissociating with my therapist a few different times.. I don't think she feels I need any diagnosis I guess as I'm doing OK without medications. And she says I act quite normal given my past and everything else and that she feels I have come a long way and should be able to keep myself safe.

She does notice the switching and everything else, but I think she doesn't feel I need to have labels. Idk.. Last time we talked about how I keep going in cycles between having a hard time with control and dissociation and then for a period being fine and in control. I do see her again today, but I really don't know what to say anymore..

And she knows I have memory problems and she has asked me different times to write journals. But It's hard to remember to write them for one. And two I really don't have ANYTHING I do in the day anyway besides the computer, eat, and sleep.

I do see the psychiatrist next week and she might be able to better handle knowing about DID and other personality disorders as she has more training. Actually the last time I saw her she said my symptoms could LOOK like Multiple Personality Disorder, but she did not make any determinations.

It's weird how I sometimes think I can handle anything the world throws at me now because I've gone through so much then all a sudden I end up back to square one feeling like I can't handle anything. I think the crisis post here was more to make sure I didn't end up doing anything at the time.. More to vent maybe.. But I'm not sure.

Thank you both for your replies! :hug:

 

[Marathon-Running-Bunny]

:hug: swifty

 

[lightbeam]

:hug: to swift!

 

[total eclipse]

glad you vented the pain away here and you are feeling a little stronger now hugs