You all can try to prevent it if you wish, and I have no doubt that you will. That's why I came; a last hope, maybe. But I've really rather given up. I recently turned 16 years old. I am male. I guess it's time for me to explain my problems. Let's start with the stranger ones. I am very interested in philosophy, and I am a very deep thinker. I am regarded as a wise man by all those who know me personally. I'm not going to sit here and bore you with the arrogant, amazing babbling I am very capable of doing, so I will sum up briefly why this is a problem. I can't decide what to believe. Christians tell me to be Christian. Muslims tell me to follow Islam. Buddhists tell me to meditate. Atheists tell me that there is no God or Gods. But why should I believe one way or another? As a human, my perspective is ubiquitously naive, so I can't trust my own intuition any more than I can trust anything else. And this is just speaking of religious issues! I have been a hard-core environmentalist all my life, but now I've come to realize that with any cause a person supports in their life, they could be incorrect. Sure, I'm doing what seems right to me, but everybody thinks they're right, and nobody ever gets anywhere as a group because of these incessant disagreements. Nothing can lead me out of this dark trap I've thought myself into. There, my philosophical confusion in a nutshell. I have a very strange nature. I tend to be free-spirited, and I do things that are not generally socially acceptable. Everywhere from small mannerisms to my unfathomable lines of thinking. As a result, I am quite possibly the biggest social reject you will ever meet. I really have no local friends, and I am infamous at best. Society isn't looking for talent and individuality. It's looking for maladroit intelligence and conformity, and those are things that go against my very nature. My unpopularity didn't bother me before JCI. What is JCI, you might ask? It stands for Junior Composer's Institute. It's a week-long summer camp I go to every year in early July. Everybody there is a total music nerd, and we nerd out for a week and have fun. Everybody writes a song over the course of the week, and the songs are performed at the end. The camp itself went very well, but I fell in love with a girl there. I came home from the camp and became severely depressed, which I have been since. I told her about my feelings, and she was more than happy to be my close friend... But she has a boyfriend, and she doesn't exactly love me back. My feelings have done nothing but deepen over time. I love her so much that it scares me; I think about all of my deep thoughts, committing suicide, and her. That's my life. My dreams are always about her. Yes, this is unrequited love, a common teenage problem. And if it was this problem alone, I could easily deal with it! But coupled with my horrid philosophical confusion, enhanced by my overall feeling of hopelessness and percieved meaninglessness, there is simply too much weight bearing down on me. I talk to this girl a lot. I email her several times a day and call her every few days. She knows more about me and my problems than I could explain with a post ten times this size. But I feel like I'm bothering her, as well as all of the other people whom I feel the need to talk to. And if my incessant need to communicate doesn't bother her, and she claims that it doesn't, my suicidal feelings do. She is very scared. I just sent her an email explaining that I will be dead in 24 hours. I guess this is my final period of parasuicide, but I've given up hope. Nothing anybody says can save me; I've thought about this too long and too hard. There are people who care about me, and that's the only reason I've held out for so long: I don't want to put them through that much pain. My family will be devastated, and all of my far-away friends whom I see at JCI and over email will be sad, too. The girl... She will be more devastated than anybody else. But I have no choice anymore. I'm totally fucked over. People tell me that my life will get better eventually. I'm a very talented person, and I have been given hope that my talents will make me accepted. But I see no reason to hope; hopes are like clouds, you can cling to them, but they provide no promises. Hope is a chance, a maybe, and it has done nothing but let me down. What I need is some solid ground to cling to! But that is impossible now; I've become so open-minded that my mind has closed to close-minded openness. So, Monday night, less than 24 hours away, I'm going to drown myself. My family lives near a lake, so I'll simply swim out to the middle and go under. Nobody will be able to save me. It's done. So now, it's your turn, dear reader. Try to help me see a purpose. Give me faith, hope, and love, the three things that I truly need. Thank you.