In 24 hours I will be dead.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mert, Aug 27, 2007.

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  1. Mert

    Mert Member

    You all can try to prevent it if you wish, and I have no doubt that you will. That's why I came; a last hope, maybe. But I've really rather given up.

    I recently turned 16 years old. I am male. I guess it's time for me to explain my problems. Let's start with the stranger ones. I am very interested in philosophy, and I am a very deep thinker. I am regarded as a wise man by all those who know me personally. I'm not going to sit here and bore you with the arrogant, amazing babbling I am very capable of doing, so I will sum up briefly why this is a problem.

    I can't decide what to believe. Christians tell me to be Christian. Muslims tell me to follow Islam. Buddhists tell me to meditate. Atheists tell me that there is no God or Gods. But why should I believe one way or another? As a human, my perspective is ubiquitously naive, so I can't trust my own intuition any more than I can trust anything else. And this is just speaking of religious issues! I have been a hard-core environmentalist all my life, but now I've come to realize that with any cause a person supports in their life, they could be incorrect. Sure, I'm doing what seems right to me, but everybody thinks they're right, and nobody ever gets anywhere as a group because of these incessant disagreements. Nothing can lead me out of this dark trap I've thought myself into. There, my philosophical confusion in a nutshell.

    I have a very strange nature. I tend to be free-spirited, and I do things that are not generally socially acceptable. Everywhere from small mannerisms to my unfathomable lines of thinking. As a result, I am quite possibly the biggest social reject you will ever meet. I really have no local friends, and I am infamous at best. Society isn't looking for talent and individuality. It's looking for maladroit intelligence and conformity, and those are things that go against my very nature.

    My unpopularity didn't bother me before JCI. What is JCI, you might ask? It stands for Junior Composer's Institute. It's a week-long summer camp I go to every year in early July. Everybody there is a total music nerd, and we nerd out for a week and have fun. Everybody writes a song over the course of the week, and the songs are performed at the end. The camp itself went very well, but I fell in love with a girl there.

    I came home from the camp and became severely depressed, which I have been since. I told her about my feelings, and she was more than happy to be my close friend... But she has a boyfriend, and she doesn't exactly love me back. My feelings have done nothing but deepen over time. I love her so much that it scares me; I think about all of my deep thoughts, committing suicide, and her. That's my life. My dreams are always about her. Yes, this is unrequited love, a common teenage problem. And if it was this problem alone, I could easily deal with it! But coupled with my horrid philosophical confusion, enhanced by my overall feeling of hopelessness and percieved meaninglessness, there is simply too much weight bearing down on me.

    I talk to this girl a lot. I email her several times a day and call her every few days. She knows more about me and my problems than I could explain with a post ten times this size. But I feel like I'm bothering her, as well as all of the other people whom I feel the need to talk to. And if my incessant need to communicate doesn't bother her, and she claims that it doesn't, my suicidal feelings do. She is very scared. I just sent her an email explaining that I will be dead in 24 hours. I guess this is my final period of parasuicide, but I've given up hope. Nothing anybody says can save me; I've thought about this too long and too hard.

    There are people who care about me, and that's the only reason I've held out for so long: I don't want to put them through that much pain. My family will be devastated, and all of my far-away friends whom I see at JCI and over email will be sad, too. The girl... She will be more devastated than anybody else. But I have no choice anymore. I'm totally fucked over. People tell me that my life will get better eventually. I'm a very talented person, and I have been given hope that my talents will make me accepted. But I see no reason to hope; hopes are like clouds, you can cling to them, but they provide no promises. Hope is a chance, a maybe, and it has done nothing but let me down. What I need is some solid ground to cling to! But that is impossible now; I've become so open-minded that my mind has closed to close-minded openness.

    So, Monday night, less than 24 hours away, I'm going to drown myself. My family lives near a lake, so I'll simply swim out to the middle and go under. Nobody will be able to save me. It's done. So now, it's your turn, dear reader. Try to help me see a purpose. Give me faith, hope, and love, the three things that I truly need. Thank you.
  2. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    So I assume this girl is the straw that broke the camel's back for you? Since you posted here, since you found this website by Googling or whatnot, you still have some hope. You certainly are extremely intelligent, deep-thinking and philosophical from this post, a hell of a lot more than many 16 year olds could ever be and those older as me. You really stand out.

    Would you mind going into detail with the other problems that were such a burden until this girl came along? I know you may not wish to since you plan on attempting so soon.
  3. Mert

    Mert Member

    Yes, the girl was the finishing blow. The problem that finally broke me. She knows this, but that just makes her feel guilty, which makes me feel worse, etc.

    OK, this is going to be very long. I'll post some of the stuff I've written, and I'll post some of the emails between me and this girl. This should help put things into perspective, if you have the patience to read it all.
  4. Mert

    Mert Member

    Here is a very controversial paper I wrote a couple of months ago. You may disagree with it, but that's perfectly OK by me.

    By Mert

    Environmentalists and conservationists everywhere have been preaching their message for quite some time now. Their message has undergone alterations over the years, but ultimately, it is the same: We need to start treating our planet better, and we’d better do it soon. Over the years, their message has become increasingly urgent, since terrible and widely known threats, such as global warming, have been creeping up on us. I will waste no time explaining these global problems, since the environmental movement has done a fine job of spreading the knowledge across the world by now. However, there is one thing that environmentalists seem to overlook, something that they have overlooked all throughout their history. They fail to see the underlying cause of all these global problems, the phenomenon that is carrying humanity and many other things to their doom. It is the same issue that causes problems such as poverty, mass disease, and war, and those who battle against these issues also seem to miss the underlying cause. The way that we are trying to solve all of our environmental and social problems is like trying to kill a weed by cutting it at the stem. The weed will always grow back; you must destroy the weed at its roots. We must address and destroy our global problems at their roots. What is the cause of the majority of this world’s substantial problems? Human overpopulation.
    If you are a hunter, you probably know that deer hunting is restricted to a season. During this season, hunting becomes legal because it is a good time to thin the deer population. In moderation, hunting is very beneficial to wildlife, because it helps to keep the population of deer in check. In nature, there is a well-known concept called the food chain. Organisms will eat other organisms that are below them in the food chain, helping to keep the population of that certain organism at a healthy level. If it is kept to a relative minimum, diseases can also help keep down the population of many species, killing off the less-fit individuals, strengthening the species overall through the process of natural selection. But what about the species at the top of the food chain? Who eats them? Who hunts them and controls their population? Nobody. It becomes that species’ responsibility to keep its own population in check.
    Humans reside at the pinnacle of the food chain, and we are not proving very responsible. First of all, many families still have as many children as they please, often amounting to three or more children, which collectively contributes to the ever-increasing population. Also, through the invention of modern medicine, a creation that means well but is now imparting terrible long-term effects upon our planet, humans have all but destroyed the process of natural selection for themselves. Think of it this way: Disease kills off the less-capable members of a species, right? Therefore, only more-capable specimens will survive, reproduce, and continue the species, allowing the species to slowly evolve into something better than what it was. But then, medicine comes into the picture. It kills diseases, letting poorer individuals live, which contradicts the process of natural selection. Also, it allows more and more individuals to go on living, and therefore less of them will die out. The population increases, and grows less capable in general. It’s no mere coincidence that the human population began to increase exponentially at about the same time that advanced medicine really got going. Funny, isn’t it? We are always concerned when species of plants and animals become extinct, and yet we strive to make species of disease-causing bacteria extinct. Aren’t they living organisms too?
    The human population of planet Earth is growing out of control. It seems that we humans have no intention of halting our rapid multiplication over the face of our planet; we have in fact become more akin to a virus than to an actual species of mammal. Our population is already nearing 7 billion individuals, and is expected to top 10 billion before 2050. Theoretically, if humans weren’t as obscenely wasteful as we are, the planet could support more than 20 billion of our numbers. However, this is not the case. Our engines are hideously inefficient. We recycle significantly less than we wastefully throw away. We sweep down forests to make our paper and grind up the wild lands for fuel when there are a million better sources of power practically biting us in the face. We just don’t want to spend the money to utilize them; we’d rather pinch our pennies than survive! Through a lack of natural selection, we have become increasingly intelligent to the point of utter stupidity. We are nothing more than a parasite of this planet!
    So, what happens as a result of our increasing numbers? Exactly what I mentioned in the first paragraph. Countless problems begin to rear their ugly faces. First of all, we generate the more social issues such as poverty and hunger, which are increasing in caliber as our populace increases. Here is a metaphor to illustrate how it works: Suppose you have two people, and you have six apples. Playing it fair, each person will get three apples. They are both happy, since they consider three apples to be “rich.” Suddenly, another person appears, and they have a population of three. Now, in order to play fair, each person will only get two apples, making everyone less wealthy. Unfortunately, in the real world, people don’t play fair. Our population is increasing, but the amount of wealth in the world remains relatively constant. As a result, more people are sent into poverty. Many people seem to think that the world’s wealth is increasing because of the fact that more and more precious metals, such as gold, are constantly being unearthed and sent into circulation. However, this doesn’t really increase the amount of wealth in the world. When you add more of the material substance called money to the amount already in circulation, all of the money in the world is then worth slightly less in its true value. This is a process known as inflation. The amount of valued wealth in the world will thus remain the same.
    Now we get to the issue of charity programs. The concept of charity, giving and helping another, is a great idea. Unfortunately, the way we are attempting to use it, it defeats and contradicts itself in the process! Charity programs save individuals and bring short-term aid to people in need, but in the long run, they create far more problems than they solve. Charity saves people who would naturally die. In doing so, it increases the population of the planet, but since the amount of wealth stays the same, more people will then have less money. By saving people from poverty and hunger, you may in fact be sending more people into poverty than you saved!
    But that is, of course, not all. This same system of spreading a resource over more and more people applies to natural resources, too, and this is where environmental problems arise from overpopulation. More people need more space. More people need more food and water. More people need more air. However, the amounts of these resources worldwide remain relatively the same while our population continues to rise. Yes, we have come up with methods of acquiring these resources artificially, such as ocean-water desalinization, but it is far too little, far too late. Humankind alone is already consuming drinkable water at a rate four times as fast as nature can naturally reproduce it! Our planet’s primary source of oxygen and other resources, the rainforests, are being destroyed, whether from clear-cut logging or simply burning, at the rate of several acres per second, every second! Why? Because soy and cattle farmers want to set up shop there in order to make money. People favor money in the short run over survival in the long run.
    In addition, we appear to be burning the candle from both ends. More people require more goods, so industry continues to expand, causing more and more pollution. More people need more breathable air and drinkable water, but when the population increases, those resources are polluted more and more as well! This is a horrific prospect for all types of creatures on the Earth, not just us. The amount of carbon our race dumps into the atmosphere every year is increasing (by about 7 billion tons per year), and at the disgusting rate we have set so far, that amount will have more than doubled by 2056! Our overpopulation of the planet is bringing us to our doom, whether it be from not-quite-proven and potentially non-lethal phenomenon such as global warming, or simply a more blatant fate such as global drought, starving, pandemics, or suffocation. Governments worldwide should be going all-out, pouring the majority of their budget into solving these environmental problems, but instead, they focus more on the lesser issues such as taxes, minimum wage, the media, and blah blah blah blah blah!
    From my observations, the chief cause of overpopulation is medicinal technology. Medicine is an example of how humans are simply too smart for their own good. Medicine, much like charity, saves people who would naturally die, and keeps more and more people alive. Families continue to have many children, often more than two, due to the natural instinct to have as many offspring as possible. This instinct was intended to defend the race from disease, since if you had many children, at least some of them would survive illness. We now have the power of medicine on our side, which defeats the purpose of this instinct. However, families continue to have as many children as they want to! Nobody wants to admit that medicine is bad, since that would typically make you a hypocrite. They feel that since medicine may save their lives, it must be a good thing. If I were dying of cancer or AIDS, I would rather die than be saved, since I would naturally die in that circumstance. Saving people from these naturally population-controlling problems is why medicine is such a terrible tool. So what should we do? How can we control our population before it’s too late?
    First of all, we need to clean up our act. As I said earlier, our planet would be much better capable of supporting our numbers if we were more efficient. Cleaner, more efficient alternate energy sources must be used, and a thorough recycling program is a necessity. Environmental regulations on industry and the public should be increased tenfold, and individuals must become educated on the importance of protecting the environment. People need to make an honest attempt to be “carbon neutral,” and more importantly, so do all of the industries and businesses contributing to our global environmental problems. Much of this can be easily attained through government-enforced utilization of cleaner energy sources, but instead of simply enforcing these rules, the governments of the world need to make an honest attempt to explain their importance to everybody. Nobody wants to follow a rule they don’t feel is justified.
    Even if we do all of this, however, our population will still eventually suffocate the planet. It is simply delaying the inevitable. So, we could cut the problem of overpopulation at its source, medicine. While abolishing many advanced forms of medicinal technology would greatly bring down our population, virtually nobody would be able to accept it, myself included. A better method would be a severe child limitation for families. If we are going to allow medicine to remain a part of our society, we are going to need to ignore the instinct to procreate many offspring. Each couple should be limited to one natural child, with tuplets being an exception. This limit would be most important in third-world countries, where family planning and birth control problems are the most apparent, as opposed to developed countries, such as Germany, where population growth is virtually zero. However, since a child limit would be difficult to enforce in many countries, adoption should be able to remain an option, and families could adopt as many children as they wanted; only births would be restricted. While this method may still be hard for people to accept, it is by far the most peaceful method of combating overpopulation, and it just may be extreme enough to work, if it gets going sooner rather than later.
    Finally, collaborative worldwide support is a necessity. Many of our overpopulation-related problems come about due to the fact that there is so much social chaos stemming from the ridiculously huge margin of financial difference between the rich and the poor people of our world. If all the nations of the world were to make a collaborative effort to bridge the gap between the rich and the poor, a vast amount of global chaos would be alleviated. The world’s recourses should be more evenly spread out among everybody; this would curb much of the social pandemonium taking place, and would also help to bring down many countries’ birth rates. This effect, however, could only be achieved if worldwide education was improved. Today’s children are tomorrow’s leaders, so if the public school system isn’t able to do a good job of teaching its children, tomorrow’s leaders will be nincompoops. Governmental funding of education should increase greatly. People worldwide need to be educated about overpopulation, but the problem is that hardly anybody knows what overpopulation really is. When you get down to it, overpopulation is the underlying cause of the majority of our more well-known problems. We just can’t seem to see past these problems to their source. People need to learn what our increasing numbers are doing to our once-beautiful planet.
    Of course, these problems may be destined to happen. Maybe all of the grief humans have caused their home is perfectly natural. Maybe it was God’s plan for humankind to destroy the planet he ostensibly gave them as they know it. But I don’t think that’s the case. And if we don’t stand up and stop this nonsense soon, we will be sorry.
  5. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I will read it, but I'm afraid I must be sleeping now, I should have already been sleeping by now. I also apologize if my posts seem short, curt, rude, my stupid laptop's keyboard is broken and typing on it is a chore. I hope you can stay alive longer than 24 hours.
  6. Mert

    Mert Member

    Here is some assorted philosophy of mine:

    The reason that I am so confused is because of a lack of trust. It’s understandable that I can’t trust what anybody says to me regarding their opinions; everybody disagrees as to what is correct, and one must form opinions of their own. But my real lack of trust is in myself. One thing Scott (my church's previous pastor) told me when I called him was to experiment with religion and try to experience firsthand the depth of spirituality. He said that the reason he came back to Christianity was due to his experiences in the metaphysical, which had convinced him of the truth of Jesus Christ. For some reason, I simply couldn’t accept his methods.

    Think about this, Flann. If a clinically insane person asserts that he has experienced becoming a cow for a day, would you believe him? No. But that person experienced becoming a cow nonetheless, and that experience was as real for him as taking a piss every few hours is for you or me. Because of what he thinks happened to him, he has faith that transforming into a cow is possible and true. But we, who so conceitedly call ourselves “sane,” deem him “insane” for suggesting things that seem impossible to us. I don’t think that anybody is really any more insane than anybody else. Some people’s brains just work differently enough that they are not deluded into believing in the commonly accepted reality that most people are convinced of.

    So why should I trust my experiences at all? Scott may have experienced Christianity, but that means nothing. He is just as pathetic as me or you: he’s a human being, he’s limited by his miniscule human perspective, and he suffers from the human naivety. We humans, just like all other limited life or non-life forms, know nothing. We can use our science and religion to pretend that we know what’s going on around us, but we just simply don’t. Everything that we call “knowledge” is something we have invented with the help of our observations, experiences, and desires. I can’t trust my five senses ultimately, because of how naïve they are. Just because I experience something does not make it true. Not being able to trust in oneself is a terrible sensation indeed.

    So why should this bother me so much? Because I am stuck at the center of all things. I can’t follow any roads in life because I can’t trust that my decision was the right one, and there is absolutely nothing that can save me from this insecurity. Even if God himself, if he exists (which I doubt), were to come down and speak to my soul, I wouldn’t trust him. That could just be me going “insane.” There is no cause I can unwaveringly fight for, because I don’t know if I’m right or wrong. I don’t even think there is a right or wrong, and this gives a sense of apathy to existence. There is no meaning in life! And believe me, I want to find meaning very badly. So what’s the point of doing anything? Anything you do could be incorrect, or simply all for nothing in the end.


    Human overpopulation of planet Earth may be completely natural and ultimately necessary. Allow me to illustrate what I am saying.

    A couple billion years ago, when the Earth’s atmosphere was composed of largely different gasses than it is currently, containing abundant methane and such, different life forms dominated Earth. The incident I’m thinking of in particular is the oxygen catastrophe that occurred some 2.5 billion years ago, where the planet’s dominant life forms were bacteria that had developed oxyphotosynthesis. These bacteria ruled the planet very similarly to the way humans rule the planet currently: Without due respect for the life forms around them, behaving like a virus and consuming all available natural resources, since there was no higher being to keep their progress in check. These bacteria slowly overpopulated the Earth, choking the planet with their growing numbers. The bacteria relied primarily upon carbon dioxide, and their waste product was oxygen. Since there was barely any oxygen in Earth’s atmosphere during these early years, oxygen would have been properly regarded as pollution. This is widely regarded as one of the worst cases of environmental pollution in the history of the world. These bacteria met their end by suffocating the planet with oxygen, a gas that was unusable to them. They brought themselves, along with most other anaerobic species living at the time, to their demise.

    However, they did not exactly “destroy” the Earth in the process. They simply transformed it, making way for the dominance of other life forms. Humans regard pollution as something that changes a part of the old-fashioned nature in a way that makes it unusable for modern life, but the only matter that we have to pollute the Earth with is substance that originally came from the Earth. If and when humanity overpopulates and suffocates the Earth, the planet will undergo another transformation, and it is likely that another life form will take over. This is the circle of life. Perhaps it would be a good thing if humanity died out. So in a way, environmentalism is ubiquitously selfish. The desire of environmentalism is to prevent the Earth from transforming again, and to prevent the human race from disappearing. The desire is to extend humankind’s reign of domination over the Earth, but in a fashion that allows us to live in symbiosis with the old-fashioned nature. I mean, hey, the archaebacteria I mentioned above ruled the world for 500 million years, and modern humans have only been around for 200 thousand years or so! It seems like we should be entitled to the world as we know it for a little longer, huh? This is the selfish, subconscious motive behind environmentalism.


    By the dictionary's definition, artificial is an adjective meaning MAN-MADE, or caused or produced by human actions. I thought about this for a while and realized that it is total BS. Unless you want to define reality as we know it as being artificial, or unless you agree with the skewed perspective of humankind being apart and above the natural world, there is no way that the terms "natural" and "artificial" can even be applied to anything anymore.
    Imagine your house, the building that you live in. It is a structure that would be defined as "artificial," since it was human-created, not occurring naturally. Let us examine this claim for a second. What it says is that a building, being formed at the hands of humans, does not come into existence naturally in nature. From the blissfully ignorant perspective of your average human, this seems to be the case. But me, in my self-recognized arrogance, have come to suspect this to be false.
    Now, consider a bird's nest. Since the nest was not crafted at the hands of humans, the bird's nest is considered natural, not artificial. But really, how is there any difference between the bird nest and a human's house? They both perform the same general function, and they were both created by the creature intending to use them. Without the bird being willing to create the nest, the nest would not have naturally occurred in nature. Our houses are no different; without a human being willing to build the house, they too are not naturally found. If one is to consider a human's building to be artificial, one should also consider the bird's nest to be artificial. In actuality, we can extend this perspective past the thinking forms of life to all forms of life. From this angle, plants are unnatural, for without the root being willing to grow into the plant, the plant would not have "naturally" occurred. In all honesty, from this perspective, everything is "artificial!"
    There is only one argument against this claim that I could think up in five minutes. This argument is, as is everything when you get down to it, unfalsifiable. Some people will say that the house is artificial and the bird's nest is natural because the bird is a part of the natural world, and the human is not. Why not? Humankind is as much a part of the living world as anything else. We may be well on our way to destroying the living planet Earth around us, yes, but that does not mean that we are not a part of it. Just like a man may choose to humiliate and even murder his own family, on whom his life depends, we have chosen to destroy our fellow life on Earth, unfortunately, on whom our lives ultimately depend. Considering humankind to be apart and above the world of nature is a dangerous viewpoint; it sets in our minds the notion that we can do what we please with nature, since it is under our control. While this perspective is, as is ANY opinion, potentially true, it seems to be leading humanity and their fellow life forms to their doom through environmental destruction. As far as I can tell, humankind is a part of nature.
    The viewpoint that sees humankind apart and above the natural world is the basis of the current definition of artificial. Defining artificial as MAN-MADE is a direct product of the line of thinking claiming humanity to not actually be a part of the natural world. I guess leaving the definition the way it is does work OK, but I feel that this definition propels people to think of mankind as being superior to nature, which I find unhealthy.
    Therefore, anything created by mankind should be considered natural. And, as anything natural can be, the product of human hands can be dangerous to humanity itself and the world around it. However, that doesn't mean that it isn't a part of this world. Subsequently, the concepts of "natural" and "artificial" are dangerous and should no longer be used.

    Just to give you a small idea of what I've written in the past. I've also dabbled in mathematical/dimensional philosophy, but that was rather problematic, albeit in a much less depressing way.
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    After browsing through all your posts in this thread, I can definitely say that your talented & intelligent.

    About Religion, only go for a path in religion if you truly believe in it. Otherwise feel free to Believe in whatever you want. As you said before, anyone of them as well as other factions and groups could be wrong in what they believe in.
    In the end, if what you fight for is wrong then you accept that and learn from it.

    You said you are a deep thinker, perhaps you've been thinking to deeply about all this for long periods of time and therefore your thoughts have some what overtaken you. Correct me if i'm wrong though.

    Hope you don't go through with ending your life and that your still around.
  8. Too young. Your feelings for this girl will fade away in time but you need to realize that. And you also need to know once you get older socializing is very different. You're 16 ffs, don't worry most people your age are f*cked up tards. You'll have friends like you when ur older, dont' even worry about that.

    Someday you will love another girl just the same or even more. I promise that.

    Hold on dude, just hold on. Find something to distract you until your life gets better and you forget about this girl. Learn a new instrument or something.
  9. sorghin

    sorghin New Member

    You obviously exhibit intelligence beyond your peers, so I think you should know that it's not the end of the world. I know it hurts to love someone and not be loved back, but that's a part of life that helps shape the person you'll become! Ten years from now you will laugh at this situation, while looking back fondly.

    You should hold on Mert. You have a whole life ahead of you, and to squander that would be the least intelligent or sensible thing I could fathom.
  10. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Please hold on mert, youre loved here :arms:
    with love,
    Beret xxx
  11. Mert

    Mert Member

    Mystic Eyes, you are correct. I think way too much for my own good! But I've failed at my many attempts to get my mind off of things...

    YouWillBeHappy: I already play piano, drumset, guitar, school percussion, and I sing. No more instruments for me, please! And I know that there may be another girl out there, even if I don't feel that way right now. It's just that I'm pretty sure that things won't turn out any better for me the next time, either!

    sorghin: My talents can't save me. I'm like a puzzle piece in the wrong box; I just don't fit in, anywhere! I don't even feel ambivalent about this anymore, I just feel like shit. I dunno, maybe I'm being stubborn. Maybe there is some kind of hope for me. But I don't see any.

    Where I live it is 10 AM right now. Tonight's the night, I think. At the very least it will be parasuicide, if I find that I can't make myself selfish enough to actually do it.
  12. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    So you heard the one " Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" and it did nothing for you. You are probably familiar with "No one ever lacks a good reason for suicide.” and you agree with it wholeheartedly.

    What about "Nothing is permanent except change". The pain you are suffering today will not be the same pain tomorrow. Admittedly, it might be just a little bit less (of more) but it will not be the same. The desperation your are facing will be of a different quantity (and quality) in 2 days, in a week, in a month.

    Fact is, nothing is permanent, everything is in a constant state of flux and flow. And that applies to your current state of mind as well. You intend to react to a temporary frame of mind. You cant rationalize a temporary condition.

    What you can is trying to observe what desperation, rejection, alienation does to you. And I mean observe and not react. Just stay with with the (unbearable??) feelings and observe how it changes. Is it the same as 20 minutes ago? Did it increase/decrease?? You will find that no feeling is permanently on the same level of intensity, it will and does change. You job is to just observe this change and not react towards it, because nothing is permanent except change. Tomorrow you will wake up 1 day older, on a cellular level, molecular level you will have changed.

    So, follow the (irrefutable) logic and give yourself time/space/opportunity to evaluate what change does to you and how you just not reacted to something so impermanet as all feelings are. Permanently happy?? I would kill myself if that ever happend to me...:)
  13. hecte

    hecte Active Member

    Im just going to make a list because its always easier for me rather than going off on a rant :biggrin:

    1. Your to young! At 16 your life is just starting. No offense but right now, no matter what you may think, you really dont know shit about the real world. There are at least 1000 things I can think of that you have to experience before you can make a decision as big as ending your life. High school is a nightmare because kids are idiots for the most part but what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger.

    2. About the girl you love....You have to move on. you are causing your own pain by dweling on the girl so much. In my experience a friendship wont really work out either it will only cause you more grief. Honest to god your absolute best solution is to cut off all contact with the girl. Its like taking a band aid off it hurts real bad if you pull it off slow but if you pull it off quick the pain ends in a matter of seconds.

    3. Just by reading through your posts you seem to be really very smart but it kind of seems like you feel under-appreciated for your talents. Correct me if im wrong but maybe you feel like you want to be recognized for how original and smart you are? That will all come in time but at your age you will always be underestimated for your talents.

    4. You cant drown yourself. Its impossible. Heres an experiment for ya if you dont believe me....alright fill a bathtub up with water and pretend like nows your time to commit suicide, now just try to hold your head underwater willingly untill you pass out..You physically cant do it your body takes over and makes you come up for air. There are only a few ways to drown yourself and they take a bit of preparation. You can either boat out to the middle of a deep lake and tie a rope around 2 cinder blocks and then to your legs by using 2 "impossible knots" ( Note they have to be "Impossible Knots" otherwise youll just untie yourself and swim to the surface) and then jump in with the blocks. or you would have to be dropped off in the middle of the ocean and drown due to exhaustion and not being able to tread water anymore. Either way drowning isnt a good way to go because your so aware of your impending death for the last few moments of life. I would assume only fear and regret would be going through your brain during your final moments.

    5. Since your so smart and so philisophical why dont you look up what true philosophers believed about suicide. Most believe that whatever is thrown your way in life can be dealt with by keeping an intellectual mind and by considering why things happen the way the do.

    6. Whenever I consider suicide I always remember the saying "You dont destroy your pain by commiting suicide, instead you forcefully burden it on to others."

    anyway keep on going man you have so much going for you.
  14. meh__

    meh__ Well-Known Member

    wow. you are honestly so amazingly talented. holy crap! i just read some of your essays and im literally speechless! i CANNOTT believe you're only 16! i'm 17, and i like to consider myself a deep thinker, but you truely have a gift. this girl is not worth your time if she doesnt recognize how great you are. i loved someone whole heartedly when i was 15/16 and my heart was torn to pieces and i too considered ending my life but now only a year and a bit later i can truthfully say that the pain of a lost love does subside and you can get through this. future generations need your brain power man!

  15. OHLAWD

    OHLAWD New Member

    NOTE: despite having the name of a /b/tard and a troll and actually being a /b/tard, I am not here to troll, I am just not creative with names.

    Mert, you are similar to me, situations are very similar, cept I'm not big on music, other than Buckethead. About the religion thing, I just dont think about it or I just look at religions and point out their flaws to myself when someone forces me to think about religion then forget it all after I start thinking of Kim(the one I love who is unattainable), and I am a athiest. I am like you, constantly thinking how great it would be to become an hero (kill myself), the only thing that makes it better for me is going on 4chan for as long as possible, the rascism is disgusting and the homophobia makes me uncomfortable, but it is still a entertaining place. Mabye you should try becoming a /b/tard? I am sorry, I know its a VERY stupid recommendation, but it really helped me stop thinking bout everything that is making me suicidal, so, I thought i may as well mention it.

    I USED to be ALMOST as intelligent as you are till Kim came into the picture. Now I can barely remember anything, so sorry if I say anything else and it's really stupid.
  16. TranceAngel

    TranceAngel Well-Known Member

    mert...i agree with the consensus here. you are amazingly intelligent and well spoken. i've just PM'd you with a suggestion, but the thing i am overwhelmed with is the huge number of people your age who feel that life can't go on. you stand at the precipice of life, with a dizzying array of potentials and possibilities ahead of you. don't cut it short before it begins.

    when we tell you here 'don't go, you are loved' we mean it. it's not just empty words. that love can only do good if you accept it. speaking for myself, i feel a very strong affinity for young people who are considering suicide. i have had one son i tried to adopt who succeeded at suicide, and another i'm close to who is at risk right now. so this is very near to my heart. stay and talk with us a while, you may meet many others who can make your life worthwhile.
  17. SueEisman

    SueEisman Member

    OK Mert, You gave us a lot to read. It's content proves you're one of the smartest kids on earth. What a waste if you leave.

    Now it's my turn to write and yours to read.

    Nearly seven years ago my son completed suicide. I'm going to tell you what it is like to "be left behind." Maybe it will stop you from doing something stupid. Where I'm at comes down to three little words: Loss, Anger, and Pain -- lots of each. This the eternal triangle of paternal grief. I live right in the middle and can't move out. It's a lousy neighborhood. Loss is what happens to someone when you die. My son's death left me incomplete. It tore something out of me and I will never be the same again. Loss isn't passive or arithmetic -- subtract one son. It's active, it grows, it's a "black hole" that pulls everything in. I'm not whole and the hole won't close. All loss is crap, suicide loss is the worst crap. Losing a kid to suicide is off the frigging crap scale. My anger came on when the shock wore off -- when the attitude of the police, other official types, the medical examiner, etc., hit home. (Don't make your family have those bastards in their face.) I got madder as I realized that my son's death didn't have to be. After I learned that those who could have prevented it didn't care came rage. My anger has stopped growing but it hasn't gotten any less intense. My anger is also self-directed. I feel very responsible. I'm not angry at him but I'll never forgive myself for missing his suffering. I'll never forgive those whom he told of his pain and his plan and who did nothing and who made damn sure that I knew it. Want some scumbags telling your folks that "we knew he was gonna do it." Want your parents to think about wasting them every day? And then there's pain. Pain comes on when loss starts boring into your soul. It gets worse as the inescapable reality of what happened sinks in. Then it becomes chronic. It still hurts, but in a different way. There are times when it still gets very bad. It's always there. It's something that I live with. Something that I don't need. Dealing with pain has nothing to do with being strong -- nothing about this has made me better or stronger. It's trashed me. My memories hurt, my thoughts about my son's suffering hurt, the futility of his death hurts, seeing what it has done to my family and his closest friends hurts, places that I associate with him hurt, interests that we shared hurt, seeing things he liked hurts, enjoying anything hurts, watching other mothers with their sons hurts, any family event hurts, holidays hurt, the anniversary of his death hurts, looking at anything that belonged to him hurts, and hearing about somebody else's kid doing it hurts. Think you know about a "world of hurt"? The hurting just spreads out after suicide. I don't know how your folks will feel if they lose you, but I know for sure that it won't be good. You think nobody cares? Think that they won't give a damn? Listen: It's not what you think of them or what you think that they think of you that matters. It's what they think of you. You may not feel that they care, but you could be, and probably are, very, very wrong. [I know that sometimes you may be in family situations where what I said really just doesn't apply. If so, I'm very sorry. You may read on if you like, but please read the very last paragraph. Thanks!]Should you tell them? Yes, absolutely. It may be hard to do so, and your folks may not know how to react. Trust me, it is better to be told that your child is suicidal (or anything else!) than that your child has completed suicide. That is the single most horrible thing that anyone can ever hear. Don't put it off -- ask for help. Being suicidal means going down the tube. In a few hours, days, or weeks you may hurt so much and care so little about yourself that you can't do squat. If you do it, all they'll ever do is ask "why?" and never, never, never get the answer. You take that with you even if you leave a note. And they'll play the "if only" game over and over and over again. It goes "what if we had done this" and "if only we'd done that" and "why didn't he do whatever." They'll come up with a million "could of's" and "should of's" but they'll always lose because they lost you. Get some help N-O-W!!! That will drop your parents' odds of joining my sad company. Don't make them "suicide survivors." It freaking sucks! First, get help with being suicidal. Next, get help with what took you there. Then get help to keep you from ever going back. Do it! Suicide is like that bunny on TV - "it goes on, and on, and on and just keeps going." Somebody said that those who complete suicide "leave their psychological skeletons in the survivors closets." One thing's for sure, suicide always leaves something messy, awful, hurtful, and unending behind. Suicide does nothing but screw things for up for everybody forever. All of this isn't about me. Its about you. Its to get you to look out for yourself. You don't have to die, but if you don't fight it you will crash. You don't decide to do it, you do it to end the pain. Suicide isn't a choice, but you can make choices before you lose the ability to do so. Choose to care about yourself right now. Don't do it. Nothing or nobody's worth it. Screw 'em! Live!

  18. TwilightHours

    TwilightHours Active Member

    I have gone been through some of your thoughts, mainly the ideas of sanity being relative and the inability to trust your only sources of information. It's quite maddening to me as well, but this has only driven me more to life. I'm convinced that, however small it may be, that finding any truth in this cosmos is a victory. This doesn't remove any grievances I had from other parts of life, but I found at least some small reason to continue life: The human desire to find truth.
  19. TranceAngel

    TranceAngel Well-Known Member

    :cry2::cry2:i'm worried because we haven't heard from mert in days. :cry2:
  20. MrBill

    MrBill Active Member

    Man, this one depresses me. Haven't seen any post from Mert since 8/30. WHat a brilliant kid he is. I guess that's probably part of what's tormenting him. Probably feels out of place with most others his age except when he goes to the music camp. Let's hope he hasn't done himself in.:sad:
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