in a bad place(venting)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jlbArt, May 21, 2016.

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  1. jlbArt

    jlbArt Well-Known Member

    I don’t know what I am. I keep trying to be positive. But every goddamn stupid bloody little thing sets me off into a depression. I want to be someone else, I can’t blame anyone for hating me. I fucking hate me. I thought I was gonna have friends. I thought It was going to be different, better, I was so hoping for a change.But I’ve managed to fuck it up again. I tried, but it is never enough. I just wanted to know why no one likes me. I verily don’t understand what I have done wrong. Or why I can’t belong. All I’ve ever wanted was to be apart of something, to belong, to be among true friends.

    Everyday is like the Monday morning after a Saturday detention and realized they weren't my friends. I just don’t want to be alone anymore. Everyone will be better off without me around. Most of the people won’t even miss me. It will be better now. The delimitation is over, for everyone. I would say “I hope it is” But that word is poison and hurtful.

    The physical pain relieves the mental. Sometimes it’s the only way to feel better. It’s just so short lived.I don’t know why I bother anymore. I don’t believe I want to continue trying being depressed and just truly alone feels so bad that hurting myself is such a relief from all the pain I am feeling. Being ignored is even more painful than being alone. There is peace in solitude, that being overlooked doesn’t have.

    At least now maybe, just maybe, I can be at peace. Even if I end up a tree I won’t be alone and I’ll belong to a group with billions of others. That’s not punishment... that is Heaven! This isn’t a cliche, being that I am not an artist or comedian. Its simply a happy ending.

    I am sorry to all those I’ve hurt, or bothered, or burdened. I am sure that, that is everyone I have ever known. It would have been better off if I have never been born. I really am sorry, and I am sorry it took me so long to go away.I would ask you to forgive me, but what’s the point?

    I am weak. I am worthless. I am so sorry. I can’t go through this anymore. I can’t be alone anymore. I just can’t. Hell, I was kind of thinking this would make me feel better in itself. Wrong again Joshua. I just don’t wanna be alone. I can’t do it, I don’t have it in me anymore. I don’t want to be me anymore.

    I can’t live with myself anymore. The things that I have done and the people I have hurt time and time again. It is just too much for me anymore.

    I am sorry for everything. I am so tired right now, tired in every possible definition of the word...
     
  2. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Joshua-I would like to propose a concept to you that may or may not be helpful. I know that it is hard to keep an open mind when you feel like the walls have closed in around you, but think about it this way-what have you got to lose at this point? You are completely miserable and finding it impossible to move on and move forward.

    My proposition is a very simple one-you've described the relationships in your life in explicit detail-you've explained how everyone has turned their backs on you, let you down, made you feel that they were your friend then made it obvious that they weren't. Don't treat yourself the way that those people have treated you-otherwise you are exactly like the people you despise which keeps the thread of self-hate running throughout all of the days of your life which makes you feel so bad that you are always wanting to end your life.

    The people you have described are actually not your enemies-your thoughts are your enemy and your thoughts are 100% controlled and manipulated by you. It sounds impossible I know-how can so much pain, anger and frustration be reversed by changing something that is intangible, like thought? But alas-it is the truth. There is some deep part of you that knows that you are worthy of respect and consideration-that is why you get so angry when no one treats you in that manner. The problem is that you don't treat yourself in that manner either-so you end up being just another asshole who treats you like garbage.

    There is no question that your relationship with yourself is the single most important relationship in your life. Family and friends will come and go but you are with yourself, listening to your own thoughts 24-7. There is no escaping the hateful things that you say to yourself about yourself. Those terrible thoughts that you think about yourself are your enemy-not the other people around you who will come and go, in and out of your life, sometimes staying but usually leaving. Aren't you the only person that really matters in this scenario? Aren't you the only one in your life that will come and never go? Change the way that you think about yourself and everything about your life will automatically change. What have you got to lose?
     
    NYJmpMaster and jlbArt like this.
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