• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

In a dark place

#1
Im in a very dark and lonely place right now. I need to be alone right now, to negotiate with my thoughts. To find a reason to live.
I live in constant pain from my childhood. I dont have anything worth having in my life right now. Materialistic crap, that's it. Yes, I know there is only me that can change that, trust me I have been trying. Yes, I'm on medication. Yes, I'm already in therapy. Yes, my therapist knows I'm suicidal, but no, he doesnt know how I feel right now.
I have a method and I have intent. I also have everything I need to complete it.
My method is painless, so fear of pain wont stop me.
I'm too broken for therapy. I'm too broken to understand my emotions.
I've been fighting my whole life and I havnt got any fight left in me any more. I guess I came here to talk, to find something positive. No I don't want to die, but I do at the same time.
I don't want to die because what if my life can change? What if I can get over my past? What if I can feel happy?
On the flip side, I'm miserable, unhappy, lonely, angry, hurt and isolated.

I am a burden to people around me. My life is chaotic. Im lost right now and ive had enough.
I try to be a good person, I try everything to be better, to be there for people and to love people. All I ever do is upset people and let them down despite trying my best. My best has never been good enough. Never.

I can't change my past. I can't deal with my past. I can't hide from it.its haunting me.

My therapist says I wear a suit of armour to protect myself because that's what I learnt when I was a child. But what happens when the armour weighs too much for me to walk forward and yet at the same time, i don't know how to remove it?

Can all people be fixed? Do you think its possible that someone can be too damaged?
I think in beyond that.
My whole life was wrong. Not just one incident, or even 2 but my whole life. How fo yout even begin to get over things when everything you know is wrong.

Im ugly. I'm fat. Moody. Lazy. Im a horrible, horrible person. Inside and out.
My head is fucked on another level.

No one can ever be close to me because I don't allow it.

Fucked is what i am. There is no point to me anymore.
Ive got a list of things to complete (for others obviously) after that well god knows. Anyway, if yout even read this then I thank you, and I'm sorry. Moaning just as I always do.
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#2
Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Why not lay it all out in front of your therapist because you said he doesn't know how you feel right now. Why not develop a hobby? Reading, listening to music, gardening, horse riding, watching movies and more. Pi ck and choose. That way you will have a positive distraction. Go to church, meet people, make new friends. Keeping pet also helps. Specially dogs as they are emotive, won't judge you. As far as your friends are concerned if you have done your best but still they don't appreciate it, then that's their problem, not yours. Try yoga and meditation. That will help you mentally.
 

MarvelFan

Vanity of Vanities
#3
I have been in a dark place too and when I got to that place I said to myself "Not Now Ryan Not Now you are stronger than this dont let them take you" that got me through the day.

I think Life is a stage and we all play our part and some are battling hell more than others and some people have horrible memories of life and it seems no way to live sometimes but I will give you something else I tell the memories to "shut up, and to go away all day long" and that works but I got to do it several times a day.

I know I am not the best advisor in life but I have been through a whole lot of trauma and I have many people I know in real life that have went through the ringer.

I will have hope for both of us and give you hugs if thats ok *hug*hug10
 
#4
Sorry to hear that you are hurting. Why not lay it all out in front of your therapist because you said he doesn't know how you feel right now. Why not develop a hobby? Reading, listening to music, gardening, horse riding, watching movies and more. Pi ck and choose. That way you will have a positive distraction. Go to church, meet people, make new friends. Keeping pet also helps. Specially dogs as they are emotive, won't judge you. As far as your friends are concerned if you have done your best but still they don't appreciate it, then that's their problem, not yours. Try yoga and meditation. That will help you mentally.
Thank you gmody, I dont want to tell my therapist how bad I'm feeling coz I will be sent to hospital and I dont want that. I have a lot of things I hide from my family and if they ever found out I wouldn't live through it. (Messed up family)(complicated)
I try distracting myself all the time with one thing or another. Today i'm failing to distract from anything. The thoughts in my head are really really bad. I recently bought a dog for the exact reasons u stated above. And it worked, for a little while. I know it's my friends problem not mine, but it does affect me.
It just feels impossible
 
#5
I have been in a dark place too and when I got to that place I said to myself "Not Now Ryan Not Now you are stronger than this dont let them take you" that got me through the day.

I think Life is a stage and we all play our part and some are battling hell more than others and some people have horrible memories of life and it seems no way to live sometimes but I will give you something else I tell the memories to "shut up, and to go away all day long" and that works but I got to do it several times a day.

I know I am not the best advisor in life but I have been through a whole lot of trauma and I have many people I know in real life that have went through the ringer.

I will have hope for both of us and give you hugs if thats ok *hug*hug10
Im sorry to hear that Ryan I really am. I don't wish this horribleness on my worst enemy. I genuinely hope you can overcome your trauma, I can't mine.
 

GMody

Well-Known Member
#6
Yes, I don't like hospitals either. Have been sent 4 times to hospital because of depression. It's good that you are trying to distract yourself. If today you are not upto it, then there is tomorrow. As far as your thoughts are concerned let them come and go. Don't try too hard to resist them. Last month was really bad as constant suicidal thoughts for me. This month they are not there so far. Go to a park and play with your dog. That way you will get some fresh air also. It's natural that your friends attitude affects you. It's your choice whether to meet them or not. I would suggest you join a Yoga class.
 
#7
I'm too broken for therapy. I'm too broken to understand my emotions.
I don't think that's true. Therapy may be a struggle, but that doesn't mean that you're too broken for it. I think it's ok to consider whether therapy is helping or not, but really just going to therapy and being able to talk even a little was a huge accomplishment.
All I ever do is upset people and let them down despite trying my best
You haven't upset me or let me down :)
Can all people be fixed? Do you think its possible that someone can be too damaged?
You've had a lot of struggles, but I think things could get a lot better for you.
Im ugly. I'm fat. Moody. Lazy. Im a horrible, horrible person. Inside and out.
My head is fucked on another level
I don't think that's true. You're really wonderful, you just don't realize it.

Hugs Flowerdream
 
#10
I don't think that's true. Therapy may be a struggle, but that doesn't mean that you're too broken for it. I think it's ok to consider whether therapy is helping or not, but really just going to therapy and being able to talk even a little was a huge accomplishment.

You haven't upset me or let me down :)

You've had a lot of struggles, but I think things could get a lot better for you.

I don't think that's true. You're really wonderful, you just don't realize it.

Hugs Flowerdream
I wish I had your optimism and could believe that may, but thank you.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$150.00
Goal
$255.00
Top