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in a nutshell

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rakhen, Apr 14, 2007.

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  1. rakhen

    rakhen Member

    sometimes when the black mood takes over..
    there is nothing else i can think about
    so much so that i am taken aback that someone else cant hear me
    and then i know i am trouble

    the thing that works for me is postponing
    i always make compromises that i will get to this and that
    and that postpones whatever i feel like doing

    my anchor that is stopping me from going is my father who he lives in another country
    my mother passed a while ago and today is her anniversary

    anyway so far i have managed to compromise and hold on by sheer will power
    but the pain is really intense.. the problem is tried every route of empowerment and help but it doesnt really work. i still feel the same. some days the drive is louder and sometimes i can actually notice the sunshine and smile

    but weekends with free time are a no no for me.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. But it's excellent that you can hold on for your father. Having someone or something to hold on for is a great thing.

    I agree that compromise is a good thing to do, and postponement, I used to do that, and in some of my darkest hours they saved me.

    If you think you are bipolar you need to see the doc because they can do a lot to help you manage that. Having said that, self diagnosis is not overly sensible because the mind can subconsciously morph to fit the symptoms of that illness, which can obviously be misleading for doctors.

    When the pain is so bad, is there something that you can do to distract yourself, or remind yourself why you are fighting? Maybe call your dad or something?
  3. rakhen

    rakhen Member

    the weird thing is i can never feel like i can call my dad... we have lived away from each other for so long that neither of us have any idea what is going in each other's life..

    i have been to the doctor asking where am bipolar.. and they said am not

    yeah its kind of horrible. its beautiful weather outside and i cant even bring myself to step out of my room.. but anyway.. such is life.. my understanding of all this.. is that it is a test and i just have to live with it as it comes..
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Could you do something drastic like go and visit him? You might not know each other, but he is still your father, and your reason for life. Maybe you could take time to get to know each other again?

    It's good you have been to the doc to get some help. Did they offer you help when you went?

    What is stopping you from stepping outside? Going out in the sun can be such a tonic when someone is feeling low. The rays in the sun can chemically make things seem better.
  5. rakhen

    rakhen Member

    i cant really visit him.. no holidays no money.. same old story. long story of an immigrant. you are right i should go out.. plus work schedule is not helpful. its like you have no time to say you need a break and if you do say why you might need a break there are all sort of other repercussions

    thanks for listening... i have normally never posted like this and i cant bring myself to use a telephone line as it makes feel really fake. i sound confused dont i..

    anyways thanks again.
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Hopefully it is helping you to write these things out :)

    Could you invite your dad to you? That is obviosuly an option if you can't manage to get to him. Maybe not immediately, but you could arrange a trip for him to come over and it might give you a reason to hold on.

    If posting helps you, then post away :)

    You don't sound confused, you just sound like you are hurting, which is a very different thing.
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