In Agony and NOthing Helps... Nothing!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cantcomparepain, Nov 10, 2010.

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  1. I have been suffering for many years. Too many. The agony is unbearable. Have tried every pill and combo there is. Psychotherapy, cognitive, behavioral and just talking ... and nothing and all helps. The say I am treatment resistent ... they are saying that nothing helps at all. If you are reading this, know that this is rare. I can't go on. Why? Why so much pain?
    I am asking ... please if there is one ... just one ... person out there who is in my condtion and needs a friend ... to talk to ... please, please post.

    If you are reading this, know that most of you will find something to kill the pain. I am rare, but it is true. Please don't write and tell me to try another drug or therapy. If you have what I have or know of anyone who is, please write me. I don't wish this on anyone, but I need just one ... one person in this world who has what I have. I don't think there is one person.

    To the rest of you. 99% of the time there is help. Hang on. Thanks for reading.
  2. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry what exactly is your pain? What are you suffering from? Do you have friends? Are you socially isolated?
  3. Re: In Agony and NOthing Helps... Nothing! (trigger)

    Thanks for writing. Maybe I am in the wrong place. My pain is mental ... severe major depression. And, yes, I am now socially isolated ... even from my family. They can't deal with me and I am at the point where I can no longer fake it.

    The only thing that helps is Ativan, but I am at a very high does, 6mgs a day ... and I need 8mgs to "fake it" and just get through the day. They won't give me more than 6mgs. Ativan is a controlled substance so I am up the creek there. I do not know why they have to limit me on it since they know it is the only relief I get. I don't know of any compassionate doctors.

    I sound like a pain in the butt, but after 40 years of hell, constant, who would not? Lately, things are so bad, I even have physical aches and pains ... this one is new. Surely, I cannot be alone in thie world. There has to be one other person out there who has severe major depression without psychosis, who has not responded to any drugs or combination of drugs, or all of the above and therapy. This is not an attitude thing. Docs keep tellingme how "strong" I am and how "unusually courageous" I am. I can't do that anymore. Im so tired. I want out. I am even beginning to worry that death will not take away this awful mind pain. I know it takes away physical/body pain, but mind? And, I have asked doctors and they said I am not psychotic. Thanks again. Ann

    P.S. Anyone else reading here. If you are new to depression and have tried a few pills and nothing has worked, don't jump to the conclusion that you will end up like me. For most ... MOST ... people ... something works eventually
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

  5. Thank you for posting. No you are not. Your are a good person.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    maybe the answer is not within the traditional medical model.

    do you know about the icarus project? i saw a film last night about one of the co founders. the url is

    check the about us section to read more about them. they also have forums. just checking it out myself. i'm 45 and have been dealing with suicidal thoughts / actions my entire life, since i was 12. been in and out of the hospital. really had enough with doctors and medication and now looking at alternatives. i have my art and a great trauma therapist. that might be enough. too soon to say.
  7. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

  8. Hi:

    Thank you for your letter and the link. I will look into it. You don't sound like you are feeling suicidal right now? Am I wrong?

    I, took have dealt with suicide feelings since young. It is a hard road to travel. I like those words (quote or poem?). Did you write them yourself.

    When I am this bad, I am really bad ... eg ... suicidal for weeks now ... I cannot even imagine that I have ever been any better or that I ever will be. I am scraping the bottom of the bowl right now. My better is not great but if is bearable, if that makes any sense? At least then, I can put up the good old "fight" ... the "come on Ann, you can get through this ... and all the little tricks I use to get myself functioning. Know that I mean.

    This is no easy path. What makes it so much harder is that other people (most anyway) do not understand just how tough it is) and want us to pull ourselves together (usually meant in a kind way and out of helplessness and love). Yet, the disease is vicious. Not only does it put us through hell; it alienates others because "who wants to be around a depressed person" ... and yet, being depressed is the very thing that is stopping us from being the "up" person they want us to be. I have been thinkking lately that this depressed (stinkin thinkin) way has been with me so long, I don't even know how to be up anymore and that is scary. I can't even think of how to act normal and happy. I have forgotten how to fake it ... it has been that long.

    My mother is very ill, and has always been very good to me... the only person who has truly been there for me her entire life ... she cannot do that now ... I get that ... and I also feel very guilty about it too, but I know I did not do it on purpose). I think that the knowledge that I will lose her in the not to distant future, is making me worse than ever.

    To Everyone who responded to me: Thank you. I am not completely "there" enough to thank you all ... but I do appreciate every single response. Please understand if I can't get back to everyone. I will be going to those websites. They are already in my fav places. Thanks.
  9. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    hang in there...we're here for you...
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    feeling suicidal comes and goes with me. my last bout was this summer, from june until early october. i was hospitalized twice in that time period. right now i'm feeling better, much stronger and even a bit hopeful about the future.

    realistically, though, i know it will come back. there is too much sadness in my life. my therapist is always telling me that i'm not crazy, that my childhood environment was the crazy thing and she's right. it's just alot of work to get past the trauma.

    to survive i just have to be prepared. not keep any extra meds around the house, not have any other methods at hand. not isolate. you know, basic self care kinds of things. precautions i guess.

    i stay active on this site, it really helps me when i am feeling low. i like responding to people and i like posting and getting help when i need it.

    the quote is from a blue rodeo song. they are my favourite band. they are very popular in canada, but not really known elsewhere. if you click on the youtube link you can hear them singing this song. you might like it.
  11. Dazzle?

    I don't know your real name. I have been been really suicidal ... very bad ... over at least the last 6 weeks ... at least. I have been very hopeless, and frightened, panicked, sleepless, hopeless, crying without being able to stop ... and all of it. Then I came to this site and saw your post. And it gave me hope! Let me explain:
    Let me explain. You ... describing how you were so sick ... for "x" period of time and then now you are so much better ... helped me to see that I, too will, get better again.... not forever ... but again. What has me unable to believe this is right now is:

    1) the severity of this time is unbelievable .. so bad ... it is close to how bad I was when this illness first time ... many, many years ago and it was unbearable ... and I am terrified that I will get to that point during this episode.
    2) And, the feeling which always is that I can't remember ever having felt any better or that I will ever feel any better.

    I used to be able to go to my Mom for this, and she would reassure me that "yes" you have gotten to the point where you thought it was going to be as bad as it was when the illness first got started ... and ... she would remind me that I have been better, and I have been where was I am right now .. and said exactly the same words and that I do get better again.

    I, too, suffer from depression that may be cemical also ,, but has alot to do with many bad things that happened to me throughtout my lifetime. So, I go into and out of these severe episodes and in between I call myself normal ... which is no where near normal, but is bearable and right now ... seems like it wouold be heaven..]

    I don't have my Mom for that anymore, but you did that for me ... and for that I am grateful. I am sstill unsure and scared and like I need you to tell me again. Am I making any sense here? Have you been through this thing too? ... that you were never better and you never will be? If I could believe that I will survive both of these "doomsday issues" right now, I think I would be in a lot less terror.

    So, thank you . And, I think it is wondeful that you stay close to these boards even now, when you are better. You are trying to help others and there is no greater gift we can ever give. One last thing here, I too, suffer from things that happened during my childhood and through an abusive marriage. And I go through the ups and downs and the in between.
    P.S. Anyone who can relate, please jump in. Let's support each other. After all, who understands us better than ourselves?

  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's catherine but you can also call me dazzle, i don't mind

    when i'm unwell i def. feel like you do, that here we go again kind of feeling. that i have always been depressed and suicidal and that i always will be. i also feel like there is no point getting help because the bad feelings will come back. i resist going to the hospital because i feel like it won't work, or that they won't believe me and will just send me home without any help. but that never happens. i'm always admitted and treated as well as you can expect to be treated in the hospital (some good, some bad experiences)

    you will feel better. you can get better. i believe in you. keep posting here and take all the safety precautions that you can so you don't act on impulse one night when things are particularly bad. these feelings will pass. and when t hey do you can continue on your path to healing.
  13. Katherine:

    wow! what a quick reply. I don't go to the hospital (usually) because there really is nothing they can do to make me feel better. I mean what pill? what thing can they do? Do meds work for you then? I never did get that ... about going into the hospital and being stabilized after 3 days or 10 days or however long your insurance lasts.

    I was in a couple of times, and all that happened was they saw me once a day and I said I was no longer suicidal (not true), but knew that was the ony way to get out of there. So I said it. And that was that! It never helped me to be there ... in fact it was worse than being at home because at least at home I have control over when I eat, sleep and where I walk and what I wear and when I can go potty.

  14. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i've left the hospital still suicidal in the past, and i've left it better. sometimes it's the new meds. but sometimes it's just having a safe place to be for a week, some place where i know that i can't harm myself. the hospital i go to is very good. sure they are all caught up in the medical model (when all i really want is some caring and understanding) but in general i've never regretted going.

    i don't know why it works for me. it's like the feelings slowly begin to leave me and the fog begins to lift. maybe it's being away from my responsibilities. maybe it's the safety of being there. maybe it's findign the one or two caring nurses who treat me with compassion and respect. maybe it's not having to lie about how terrible i'm feelling. maybe it's being able to tell the truth, that i am in pain and about to do something - anything - to make that pain stop.

    we have socialized medicine here so i'm not dependent on insurance for length of stay. i stay until i am ready to go, or until i am taken off a form (mandatory hold, where the cops bring you back if you leave). i've been on a form several times and didn't even mind that. at the back of my mind i knew it was my brain trying to kill me. i just want the pain to stop, and when i am unwell killing myself seems the only way for that to happen.

    when i am better i use other things to deal with that pain, trauma therapy, art, music, writing. the pain is still there. i just have other ways to cope.

    hang in there, you will get better. i know you have tried many things but you can heal. i believe that. for all of us.
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