feeling suicidal comes and goes with me. my last bout was this summer, from june until early october. i was hospitalized twice in that time period. right now i'm feeling better, much stronger and even a bit hopeful about the future.
realistically, though, i know it will come back. there is too much sadness in my life. my therapist is always telling me that i'm not crazy, that my childhood environment was the crazy thing and she's right. it's just alot of work to get past the trauma.
to survive i just have to be prepared. not keep any extra meds around the house, not have any other methods at hand. not isolate. you know, basic self care kinds of things. precautions i guess.
i stay active on this site, it really helps me when i am feeling low. i like responding to people and i like posting and getting help when i need it.
the quote is from a blue rodeo song. they are my favourite band. they are very popular in canada, but not really known elsewhere. if you click on the youtube link you can hear them singing this song. you might like it.
Dazzle?
I don't know your real name. I have been been really suicidal ... very bad ... over at least the last 6 weeks ... at least. I have been very hopeless, and frightened, panicked, sleepless, hopeless, crying without being able to stop ... and all of it. Then I came to this site and saw your post. And it gave me hope! Let me explain:
.
Let me explain. You ... describing how you were so sick ... for "x" period of time and then now you are so much better ... helped me to see that I, too will, get better again.... not forever ... but again. What has me unable to believe this is right now is:
1) the severity of this time is unbelievable .. so bad ... it is close to how bad I was when this illness first time ... many, many years ago and it was unbearable ... and I am terrified that I will get to that point during this episode.
2) And, the feeling which always is that I can't remember ever having felt any better or that I will ever feel any better.
I used to be able to go to my Mom for this, and she would reassure me that "yes" you have gotten to the point where you thought it was going to be as bad as it was when the illness first got started ... and ... she would remind me that I have been better, and I have been where was I am right now .. and said exactly the same words and that I do get better again.
I, too, suffer from depression that may be cemical also ,, but has alot to do with many bad things that happened to me throughtout my lifetime. So, I go into and out of these severe episodes and in between I call myself normal ... which is no where near normal, but is bearable and right now ... seems like it wouold be heaven..]
I don't have my Mom for that anymore, but you did that for me ... and for that I am grateful. I am sstill unsure and scared and like I need you to tell me again. Am I making any sense here? Have you been through this thing too? ... that you were never better and you never will be? If I could believe that I will survive both of these "doomsday issues" right now, I think I would be in a lot less terror.
So, thank you . And, I think it is wondeful that you stay close to these boards even now, when you are better. You are trying to help others and there is no greater gift we can ever give. One last thing here, I too, suffer from things that happened during my childhood and through an abusive marriage. And I go through the ups and downs and the in between.
Thanks,
Ann
P.S. Anyone who can relate, please jump in. Let's support each other. After all, who understands us better than ourselves?
Ann