In between the lines of happiness, and severe depression.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Akasha, Oct 23, 2015.

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  1. Akasha

    Akasha New Member

    After reading through most threads I've come to the realization that my situation can be worse, and that if any good energy comes my way, I'll keep everyone in my thoughts in hopes that I can share some of that positive energy with all of you.

    Unfortunately, my problems still peel away at my skin, revealing all the ugliness I've tried so very hard to contain. In hopes that maybe one day I can take them on when I'm a stronger person, but alas they still have a way of bursting through the seams of my delicate shell. I have issues with my family, most notably my father. He's a drug addict/alcoholic who is still in a downward fall of financial ruin, and darkness. He's attempted suicide, and not a moment goes by where I don't think "is he still with me?" I've always yearned for his acceptance, and while there are glimmers of the father I remembered when I was a child, I see mainly a vacant shell of the man I used to know. He's extremely abusive verbally, at even at my age has a way of poking holes in my soul. I can't help but associate myself with him, even though I've tried to write him out of my story. His words always find a way onto the page. He brings me down financially, and emotionally drains me whenever we talk. My current debt situation is purely because I sacrifice for him. Every time.

    Dealing with this has had severe repercussions on my mental health, and has me in a state of mind where I feel like I'm nothing. He's berated me for nearly 9 years of my life. Slowly chipping away at the man I was supposed to be. Here I am at 27 with no direction, no drive, no motivation. I have nothing to look forward to. I work, sleep, and work, then sleep.

    I'm a person with a lot of love to give, and no one to share it with. I've been in online relationships for my entire love life. 15-27. I did so out of my lack of esteem, I'm behind a screen, I can be who I feel I am, without having to worry about being ripped apart over my imperfections. Of course, the one time I did find a girlfriend that was in the flesh, I would try to hold her hand and she would say "eeww, no". She liked the person I was mentally, but not who I was physically. I so desired ANY connection I continued to be with her, even though the way she went about it was more damaging to me than anything. I was 21 when this happened. It crushed me, and here I thought no one would ever love me in the flesh, that I must always hide. I can only show my words. I didn't want to see the world anymore. I just stopped talking to her, and confined myself to the corners of my room. I feel like my confidence at this point had reached a level of disrepair. I never recovered from this. To have someone say they love you, but hated the mere fact of touching you is hauntingly hurtful.

    I don't know, this is only the tip of my mental anguish. Sitting here writing has made me realize so much as happened, and I could do this for pages. In short, my father has shattered my core. I've attempted to recover and sever the ties by trying to be a better man than him, and sharing the love I had in my heart with others. I hid behind a screen most of my life, and the encounters I did have in person have been the most hurtful experiences of my life. I'm so alone, hurt, and lost with no direction I feel like the entirety of my life this will be the road I walk. I will have no family, no career, no love. A destitute forced to the confines of a room with no windows. I've attempted to repair my confidence and self esteem in hopes of finding love, but I'm always shot down in the most humiliating ways.

    I say I walk the lines in between happiness and depression because I do have a few very good friends. I do have talents that could prove something for me in life, and on the surface I come off as a normal guy. Behind the veil is where my demons lurk, and cause my anxiety. I don't think I would ever take my own life, but when I picture myself dying, it makes me feel better. A release. A spark of hope that maybe I can start over.
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Akasha, Welcome to SF, I would an could say a few things like what I think you could and should say to your father, but not now if ever, I am sorry, I am also one that had several issues with a father, but mine were different, my father was old school, he provided a home for myself an 4 other siblings I am the next to the youngest. I think when I came along my parents were tired of raising kids already, my father was on the road a lot, One time I learned to tie my shoe laces when he was gone another time I learned to ride my bike, his response was that's nice. I was disappointed but when he came home if I did something wrong I had my butt warmed, when I was small it was his hand applied to my bare butt I got older it was a belt I lay down across his knee naked and he was practiced with it , the older I seemed to get the more spankings I got I guess I wasn't a quick learner, my father was not a mean man but he as a child had a horse whip used on him, spare the rod spoil the child! he was raised in foster homes that his mother paid for to have him taken care of and raised, my father was one of 7, I too always wanted his approval I very seldom got it, I know my father did love me, we never wanted for anything except our fathers approval!, I only remember him saying to me You know I always loved you, he was dying! I knew he did but I would have liked to hear him say it while I was growing up! I did love my father as well, I said it to him quite a few times!
    I am like you although I did not go through the suffering and anguish that you have! I feel our lives were very similar, I started acting up as I got older,that was the only way I got any attention from my dad, I did not know at the time that is what I was doing but it was, it got so I did not want to be around when my father got home! I realized only lately that I was perhaps the worst one of the 4 boys my sister being the oldest was a caregiver for us , I probably would have killed my self earlier then I tried if it wasn't for her! You seem to be a better disposition then I was although I graduated high school served in the navy an have done relatively well for my self, I do not consider myself a success but any means, I have tried suicide at least 5 times, I have spent 7 weeks in a private hospital almost 7 years on anti depressants and then Trying again more lately with suicide again! again trying to use anti depressives but I am here again as well! Not the same story but close to the same results! I had a lot of love to give as well I was a warm and caring person most of my life I have had just 3 years of what I call real love I have raised a Foster son as well, but I am here dealing with daily ups and downs, Here I hope you can find some of the answers that you are looking for, the people here are great they are very supportive and they do care, mos importantly for lots is that you are safe here and you will never be judged here, you can relax and feel comfortable, You have come to a caring place! I wish you the best here!
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