After reading through most threads I've come to the realization that my situation can be worse, and that if any good energy comes my way, I'll keep everyone in my thoughts in hopes that I can share some of that positive energy with all of you. Unfortunately, my problems still peel away at my skin, revealing all the ugliness I've tried so very hard to contain. In hopes that maybe one day I can take them on when I'm a stronger person, but alas they still have a way of bursting through the seams of my delicate shell. I have issues with my family, most notably my father. He's a drug addict/alcoholic who is still in a downward fall of financial ruin, and darkness. He's attempted suicide, and not a moment goes by where I don't think "is he still with me?" I've always yearned for his acceptance, and while there are glimmers of the father I remembered when I was a child, I see mainly a vacant shell of the man I used to know. He's extremely abusive verbally, at even at my age has a way of poking holes in my soul. I can't help but associate myself with him, even though I've tried to write him out of my story. His words always find a way onto the page. He brings me down financially, and emotionally drains me whenever we talk. My current debt situation is purely because I sacrifice for him. Every time. Dealing with this has had severe repercussions on my mental health, and has me in a state of mind where I feel like I'm nothing. He's berated me for nearly 9 years of my life. Slowly chipping away at the man I was supposed to be. Here I am at 27 with no direction, no drive, no motivation. I have nothing to look forward to. I work, sleep, and work, then sleep. I'm a person with a lot of love to give, and no one to share it with. I've been in online relationships for my entire love life. 15-27. I did so out of my lack of esteem, I'm behind a screen, I can be who I feel I am, without having to worry about being ripped apart over my imperfections. Of course, the one time I did find a girlfriend that was in the flesh, I would try to hold her hand and she would say "eeww, no". She liked the person I was mentally, but not who I was physically. I so desired ANY connection I continued to be with her, even though the way she went about it was more damaging to me than anything. I was 21 when this happened. It crushed me, and here I thought no one would ever love me in the flesh, that I must always hide. I can only show my words. I didn't want to see the world anymore. I just stopped talking to her, and confined myself to the corners of my room. I feel like my confidence at this point had reached a level of disrepair. I never recovered from this. To have someone say they love you, but hated the mere fact of touching you is hauntingly hurtful. I don't know, this is only the tip of my mental anguish. Sitting here writing has made me realize so much as happened, and I could do this for pages. In short, my father has shattered my core. I've attempted to recover and sever the ties by trying to be a better man than him, and sharing the love I had in my heart with others. I hid behind a screen most of my life, and the encounters I did have in person have been the most hurtful experiences of my life. I'm so alone, hurt, and lost with no direction I feel like the entirety of my life this will be the road I walk. I will have no family, no career, no love. A destitute forced to the confines of a room with no windows. I've attempted to repair my confidence and self esteem in hopes of finding love, but I'm always shot down in the most humiliating ways. I say I walk the lines in between happiness and depression because I do have a few very good friends. I do have talents that could prove something for me in life, and on the surface I come off as a normal guy. Behind the veil is where my demons lurk, and cause my anxiety. I don't think I would ever take my own life, but when I picture myself dying, it makes me feel better. A release. A spark of hope that maybe I can start over.