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In Between..

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That's sort of where I am at this point. I think that I have been at this point for an awful long time. I think that being in the in-between stage of not wanting to live and being afraid to die is probably the most worst feeling of despair imaginable..well for me anyways. I feel like I am trapped and I live with constant fear.

My psy-doc tells me that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that is causing some of the things I am going through. I believe that some of that is correct and some is just plain old depression. The psy-doc up's my medication and is trying to get me out of my confort zone.

This is the first long stage that I have been without work in my whole life. My family expected me to lay the " golden-egg " but it never happened. I have had so many jobs and part time business's that I should have moved myself up the ladder but things just didn't work out. I am not trying to make excuses for my failures and mistakes.

I see people that I grew up with who have great career's and who are married and living in a nice neighborhoods and none of that ever happened to me. I am glad for their success, I really am. But, this thing that happened to me i.e the fog of despair and not wanting to continue on with living, being paranoid of everyone and trying to hide it..again it's that middle area where you don't want to live and your too afraid to die..it's a nightmare..for me a living hell.

No one knows this but, I have tried to take my life in the past ( twice ) in which I chickened out at the last minute. One on the Golden Gate bridge - and once using another well known method ( I know, I am not to refer to specific methods ) and all this I have told to my psy-doc but I am coming to the conclusion that no one is going to save me. It's up to me to manifacture my own happiness. When my psy-doc told me that I have a mental illness, I didn't believe him..I just kept on believing some of the crazy thoughts that I held ( and still hold ).

Right now, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness is hard to find these day's for me, as I am not a young man anymore. I still have talents and job skills but I am really not interested in getting out of the house and I feel real shitty about that.

I meditate and do affirmations and even some guided visualizations at night before I go to sleep but I don't know where all this is going to end. My psy-doc knows all of this. I seem to forget things during the day, so I know currently despite my wantings to get a job, I know I probably couldn't do the job because of my current state of mind.

Well that's enough for now..
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I was thinking today that maybe you know..I'll probably die of some kind of illness in about 40 years ( I would be 80 then ) and it could be some long drawn out painful death. You know we all have to die one day.

Living in fear, living in despair, wondering if your going to wind up living under a bridge and homeless, your mind fucking with you that you start to question what is real and what isn't, the so called neighbors harassing me..all of this makes me what to check out early.

My luck is so bad I would probably survive and be paralised from the neck down. Today was one of those days where it hurts to think..I just don't want to think of shit.

I remember watching a movie called What Dreams May Come or something like that and Robin Williams died in a car crash and was in the non-physical realm or heaven.. and his wife in movie committed suicide, well she wasn't in heaven but rather in the pit of hell because she was a suicide. I for one don't believe that one will go to some type of punishment in the afterlife if one takes their life. I believe that consciousness survives physical death. I have had many paranormal experiences which leads me to believe that.

That's enough for now..:ohmy:


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The truth is that I don't want to have to wait 40 or so years before I die of old age, I want to die now. I am tired of the lies people spread about me. I see no reason to keep hanging on. There are TOO many people in this small house. Myself and three other family members are sleeping in the living room. This place is just too small. There is no place here one can seek just a little bit of piece. There is way too much drama here.

This is one of the reason's that I am currently on the edge. There are people living here ( family member's ) who are too good to work a $8 or $ 9 an hour entry level job. They're living rent and food free..and it fucking pisses me off. At least I am bringing in some money. I gave my Aunt part of my insurance money and the use of my car. I am paying my way..yet others won't.

In addition to my current meds that I take, I am taking something even stronger because there is just way too much shit going on here. I have no one to turn to talk about my problems. I try to busy myself during the day with things that interest me. But, the truth is..I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I never wanted to wind up like this. I thought I would have a decent future. I did all I think I could to get those things that I was wanting. I don't know if it was just " bad luck " or something in my personality that other's didn't like. In any of the jobs I've had..I have always tried to be a good employee. I did what the bosses wanted me to.

However, as of late..I have been having some interesting dreams where I am out and about in society again. This is very encoraging. Dreaming that I am on a commuter train going to the City..stuff that I use to do. This is a good thing.

It hurts to think about anything. I don't like thinking. I don't want to hear anybody's drama. I don't care what others think of me. I just wish that I had the gut's to end it. I don't like looking at this fucked up town that I am living in. Same faces, same buildings the same fucked up shit.

I feel that everything that has happened to me is my fault. I know it's my fault. I didn't work hard enough, and I didn't work smart enough. I even tried to gamble my out of my circumstances but that was just a " no win " deal.

I think I could type on and on here but I would be just taking up vauable internet space.
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