That's sort of where I am at this point. I think that I have been at this point for an awful long time. I think that being in the in-between stage of not wanting to live and being afraid to die is probably the most worst feeling of despair imaginable..well for me anyways. I feel like I am trapped and I live with constant fear. My psy-doc tells me that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that is causing some of the things I am going through. I believe that some of that is correct and some is just plain old depression. The psy-doc up's my medication and is trying to get me out of my confort zone. This is the first long stage that I have been without work in my whole life. My family expected me to lay the " golden-egg " but it never happened. I have had so many jobs and part time business's that I should have moved myself up the ladder but things just didn't work out. I am not trying to make excuses for my failures and mistakes. I see people that I grew up with who have great career's and who are married and living in a nice neighborhoods and none of that ever happened to me. I am glad for their success, I really am. But, this thing that happened to me i.e the fog of despair and not wanting to continue on with living, being paranoid of everyone and trying to hide it..again it's that middle area where you don't want to live and your too afraid to die..it's a nightmare..for me a living hell. No one knows this but, I have tried to take my life in the past ( twice ) in which I chickened out at the last minute. One on the Golden Gate bridge - and once using another well known method ( I know, I am not to refer to specific methods ) and all this I have told to my psy-doc but I am coming to the conclusion that no one is going to save me. It's up to me to manifacture my own happiness. When my psy-doc told me that I have a mental illness, I didn't believe him..I just kept on believing some of the crazy thoughts that I held ( and still hold ). Right now, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness is hard to find these day's for me, as I am not a young man anymore. I still have talents and job skills but I am really not interested in getting out of the house and I feel real shitty about that. I meditate and do affirmations and even some guided visualizations at night before I go to sleep but I don't know where all this is going to end. My psy-doc knows all of this. I seem to forget things during the day, so I know currently despite my wantings to get a job, I know I probably couldn't do the job because of my current state of mind. Well that's enough for now..