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In Bits

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MLKane, Nov 20, 2011.

  1. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Yeah, not been here for a while, can't bring myself to bring you lot down.
    well, couldn't, I'm kinda uncaring now, I'm just so angry. angry or empty?
    I don't really know, it's an effort to type this shit but I need somewhere to vent where I'm not going to have to deal with doubt or fear, not in any real sense anyway.
    My current situation is that I've recently had my first appointment with primary psycological care, who've recommended CBT and referred me on to Intermediate care. dunno yet what Intermediate will say. doesn't really matter. all I've had since coming out about my feelings and suicidal tendancies is disbelief and belittlement or fear. I don't expect anything more from some random arse in a suit.
    half the time I don't even know what's wrong with me. am I paranoid with an active imagination or am I skitzophrenic? dunno, not going to talk about it because I don't wanna feel like a twat.
    am I just a fuckin wuss about life or am I actually depressed? dunno, and no-one's going to give me an honest answer either way.
    am I angry at everyone else or angry at myself? no idea, but at a guess I'd say both. hip hip hooray.

    I just can't stand to be in my own skin anymore, but I'm too cowardly to pull it off.
    I try so hard to be a kind and caring guy, when I just want to lash out at everyone around me.
    I wish so much I was happy, but deep down I know there's nothing I can do.
    My entire life just feels like a toss up between killing myself and killing someone else, it's just betting which side comes down.

    There's just such a not of inevitability about everything. There is nothing I can do to feel better, there is nothing I can do to be happy, there is nothing I can do to be free of anger, there is nothing I can do to stay alive.

    So I figure, why bother trying?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You can make appt with a real therapist that will help you deal with the inner anger that will help you cope with what ever it is you are going through I find pdoc are so cold yet a psycologist really listens and sees what need to be worked on to get you out of that space your in I do hope you reach out for some councilling hun it does help when you have someone who understand and gets where your at,
  3. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member


    Not sure whether I'm glad to hear from you or sorry you're still suffering. Did you give them a copy of your story that you have posted here and maybe some of your other posts? Did you show them your cutting scars? You know anger and irritability with depression is much more common in men than women and not as recognised as a symptom of it but it can be. Hope you come across someone you like better than what you've met with so far. I disliked many of the people I came across too but every once in a while you meet a counsellor you can work with so keep trying.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HOpe you are doing better hun i do hope you find that caring therapist that truly listens Let us know how you are doing okay