Yeah, not been here for a while, can't bring myself to bring you lot down. well, couldn't, I'm kinda uncaring now, I'm just so angry. angry or empty? I don't really know, it's an effort to type this shit but I need somewhere to vent where I'm not going to have to deal with doubt or fear, not in any real sense anyway. My current situation is that I've recently had my first appointment with primary psycological care, who've recommended CBT and referred me on to Intermediate care. dunno yet what Intermediate will say. doesn't really matter. all I've had since coming out about my feelings and suicidal tendancies is disbelief and belittlement or fear. I don't expect anything more from some random arse in a suit. half the time I don't even know what's wrong with me. am I paranoid with an active imagination or am I skitzophrenic? dunno, not going to talk about it because I don't wanna feel like a twat. am I just a fuckin wuss about life or am I actually depressed? dunno, and no-one's going to give me an honest answer either way. am I angry at everyone else or angry at myself? no idea, but at a guess I'd say both. hip hip hooray. I just can't stand to be in my own skin anymore, but I'm too cowardly to pull it off. I try so hard to be a kind and caring guy, when I just want to lash out at everyone around me. I wish so much I was happy, but deep down I know there's nothing I can do. My entire life just feels like a toss up between killing myself and killing someone else, it's just betting which side comes down. There's just such a not of inevitability about everything. There is nothing I can do to feel better, there is nothing I can do to be happy, there is nothing I can do to be free of anger, there is nothing I can do to stay alive. So I figure, why bother trying?