In control

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Deleted SKU, Aug 30, 2013.

  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Fuck this all, and almost every specific bit individually. Moving backwards when you didn't think there was any further back you could be pushed is so disheartening. And not only do I not have the strength to fight, my mind is actively trying to cut out any other options to stay strong. I did the whole introspection thing, and it turned in to a rant... everything turns in to a rant nowadays because I am just so frustrated with everything, and there's nothing I can do. I do not have the power to change my own circumstances in any positive way. I mean I can throw myself off of a cliff, that would certainly change things, but I doubt most would consider that positive. Every step forward I can make for now is reliant on others, and I hate that. I hate feeling so weak and pathetic that while I don't lack agency, I lack any sort of ability to cause consequence in my own life. It turns out I can still hurt myself enough to break through and get some clarity on occasion though... I'm at the point though where I'm thinking about losing control of that again. Maybe if I do some real damage in a way I haven't done in years, it will do more for me. I can't lash out outwards, so why not lash out inwards some more I guess... either that or cower in a corner, and I've been doing that far too much.

    At my best I feel ok, and when I'm engaged with the world I kind of feel good I guess... not in an everything is going to be ok kind of way, but in an if everything was ok then I'd feel good kind of way. But I can't keep engaged for any extended period easily, my mind wanders and wonders why I waste everyone else's time. I know that it's not seen that way, but if I was able to keep my thoughts in control and rational at all times, then... heck, I’d be boring, but I wouldn't be in this kind of mess either. I guess then hurting myself is right, because it's real, it engages me with some sort of contact with the world. It's not ideal, but if some pain, and some temporary damage, keeps me being able to function, then there's no better alternative. I need this. And I know it's not rational, but right now I'm not too bothered with what's rational. Maybe it'll get better later, just need to stop it for now. I'm still in control I think.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Keep talking hun you keep using the skills that you were taught to keep yourself safe ok i know sh seems right but hun itis only a short term solution get through the urge ok each time you do you have won hugs
     
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    A victory without purpose though... I've won nothing, at the cost of being able to function, if I stop myself from hurting. Self harm is a temporary solution, but at least it's a solution, nothing else has ever been able to keep my mind where it needs to be.
     
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    As an idea for the frustration and irritability - could you consider joining a local boxing gym? That way you can take your frustrations out on a punchbag - where you're not hurting anyone and have somewhere to lash out that doesn't involve any pain?

    Could also re-instil some self-discipline/self-control.

    Just an idea.
     
  5. Lost and tired

    Lost and tired Well-Known Member

    Azoth, I completely know what you mean. Ive been that way for maybe 25 years until I found a doctor who could bother to listen and not come up with a catch all diagnosis like depression.
    This is going to sound like balls to you now, because when Im in a downward part of my cycle all advice sounds like its coming from someone with no idea, but at the moment because of some buggered up body chemistry your perception of yourself, other people, the future and the way to solve your problems are seriously distorted.
    When you are with people who is it who thinks you are wasting people's time? Them, do they say that, or are you presuming it? You don't think that you can change your circumstance in a positive way but you are here telling us about how you feel. Its a place where you're not judged, or criticised but understood and listened to. Don't you think coming here is positive?
    It would be fantastic if depressed people like us could suddenly look at ourselves from an outside perspective, listen to ourselves in a non depressed context and tell ourselves that we arent seeing things how they really are.
    I was in a supermarket today feeling incredibly paranoid. I felt that when people looked at me as they passed and were looking a second too long. It was like i had some food stuck to my face from lunch that I didnt know about but they could see. But you can say to me now that it was all balls and in my head and you would be right. But you couldnt say that to yourself if it happened to you. Our perspective is boned. And that can be fixed.
     
  6. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Even if I could afford to, physical outlets have never really been my thing beyond self-harm. Just never have had any real positive effect on my mental state, and I have tried physical activities before as an outlet. The control isn't an issue, I think even sometimes it would be best if I lost control, at least then it would push me over the edge at last.
     
  7. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    It's a difficult question, because it is a presumption in any single situation, but the pattern over time. I think the way I see it is that even if I talk to someone about this, and they help me, a day or two later I'm back to where I was again anyway. I can't keep a state of okness for any period. And as for coming here as positive... I guess it depends on what reason is attributed to it. Half the time, if I'm honest, I feel like I'm engaging in 'attention seeking' behaviour, whining about stuff just so people might talk to me, rather than with the goal of actually fixing anything. And the other half of the time I'm looking for people not to help me, to reenforce that negative self image that no-one gives a damn anyway. Neither of those are healthy thoughts, and maybe I'm just wanting to read negatively in to my own actions for the same reason I see everything negatively, but as much as I struggle, I tend to stay rational, so can't disregard them either.