Fuck this all, and almost every specific bit individually. Moving backwards when you didn't think there was any further back you could be pushed is so disheartening. And not only do I not have the strength to fight, my mind is actively trying to cut out any other options to stay strong. I did the whole introspection thing, and it turned in to a rant... everything turns in to a rant nowadays because I am just so frustrated with everything, and there's nothing I can do. I do not have the power to change my own circumstances in any positive way. I mean I can throw myself off of a cliff, that would certainly change things, but I doubt most would consider that positive. Every step forward I can make for now is reliant on others, and I hate that. I hate feeling so weak and pathetic that while I don't lack agency, I lack any sort of ability to cause consequence in my own life. It turns out I can still hurt myself enough to break through and get some clarity on occasion though... I'm at the point though where I'm thinking about losing control of that again. Maybe if I do some real damage in a way I haven't done in years, it will do more for me. I can't lash out outwards, so why not lash out inwards some more I guess... either that or cower in a corner, and I've been doing that far too much. At my best I feel ok, and when I'm engaged with the world I kind of feel good I guess... not in an everything is going to be ok kind of way, but in an if everything was ok then I'd feel good kind of way. But I can't keep engaged for any extended period easily, my mind wanders and wonders why I waste everyone else's time. I know that it's not seen that way, but if I was able to keep my thoughts in control and rational at all times, then... heck, I’d be boring, but I wouldn't be in this kind of mess either. I guess then hurting myself is right, because it's real, it engages me with some sort of contact with the world. It's not ideal, but if some pain, and some temporary damage, keeps me being able to function, then there's no better alternative. I need this. And I know it's not rational, but right now I'm not too bothered with what's rational. Maybe it'll get better later, just need to stop it for now. I'm still in control I think.