In danger for no damn reason.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by objectsinmirrors, Apr 20, 2011.

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  1. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    It's been a very up and down day or two.Emotions swinging this way and that. currently i am back in my hotel room, not particularly upset, but very very very tempted to end my life.I'm trying to ground myself in the reality that death is forever. that just like my friend who took her own life two months ago, that once you die you don't come back. I'm trying to think of the people i'd hurt and disappoint. I'm trying to think about all i have going for me. but this urge is out of control. my parents are still awake but i cannot wait for when they fall asleep so i can sit on the balcony, look down, and wonder about death. i feel like i'm in danger, but i don't want to call my therapist in case she says go to the hospital, which i have had very bad experiences with and absolutely cannot handle. i don't know what i want. i guess one thing i want is to not be alone.

    Megan
     
  2. Savsta

    Savsta Active Member

    It might not feel like it but that fact that you dont know what to do is a very good thing. I have been where you are I probably still am , could explain why I'm up at 3.30am on a suicide forum , anyway at least your not certain about anything which means there are things / people making you want to stay , just try and focus on that as much as possible. I'm alone. I'm alone as is possible. I have nobody. But just a little bit of faith that there is someone out there for everyone keeps me going. What has made you feel like this ? If you don't mind me asking. Please don't do anything without being 100% sure. You seem like a nice person , the worlds running out of thoose.
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    can you call a hotline and stay on the phone with them as long as you need to?

    www.befrienders.org
     
  4. brokenandlonely

    brokenandlonely Well-Known Member

    Megan, I do understand that you are hurting right now but I'm here if you would like to talk about anything in particular. Do you know what's causing you to feel this way? If you would like to PM please do so. :hug:
     
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    :(

    :console: :console:

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Meagan,
    I beleive there is someone for everyone..It took me years to figure that one out..I had a GF head over heals in love with me..We moved away and she wrote me all the time.. She waited for me to graduate high school.. Then I went into the military and she waited for me then also..Once I got out of the military we went out a couple of times.. I was strung out on drugs..So one night I told her to move on with her life, That I wasn't any good for her...That was the biggest mistake of my life..Every woman I have been with since then has cheated on me..I have to live with my mistake but you are young and have plenty of time to find Mr. Right...Hopefully when you do you will be able to tell..I wish you luck!!
     
  7. Savsta

    Savsta Active Member

    thanks , made me smile a little
     
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you're welcome!

    :)
     
  9. Rubyshoes

    Rubyshoes Member

    Just wanted to offer both Megan and Tom BIG hugs :hug: :hug:
    Please know you aren't alone. You're certainly not alone in how you feel. Even if there isn't anyone physically around you that 'gets' it, the internet is a wonderful thing.
    Just reading on here has helped me so much, even though it's awful to hear other people are going through something similar, it does make you feel less alone and 'crazy' because of the way you are feeling. other people have been there too, and the vast, vast majority have got through it and come out the other side.
     
  10. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    hey, megan. i feel you, girl. when you get those thoughts you have gotta try your best to ignore them, block them out. loneliness makes them a lot worse. do you have any friends you can talk to? even if you dont think you can talk to them about this, at least its some distraction. im right here if you need to talk.
     
  11. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    Hey Everyone,

    Just wanted to start off by saying thank you so much for your replies. It's been a tough few days. Yesterday I got into the hysterical space where i absolutely could not tolerate my feelings. i called my therapist who did not call back until this morning, and used an online crisis chat site. With time things passed. But now i'm right back in that place of suicidality for no reason. my parents just left me home alone for a short time and i want to OD so badly. What now? I'm freaking out.
     
  12. cloudy

    cloudy Well-Known Member

    are you bipolar by any chance? cos then i would understand whats going on. the things that i try to do is get my mind off of those bad thoughts. i have hobbies and they do me some good. that way if you are too busy doing something you won't have time to think about od'ing yourself. not sure if i am coming across clearly or helpful. did your therapist make any suggestions to you about your state of mind?
     
  13. objectsinmirrors

    objectsinmirrors Well-Known Member

    No, Bipolar is not one of my many diagnoses, although Borderline Personality Disorder, with all its intense rapidly shifting moods with slow return to baseline is. I'm actually not feeling much of anything right now. i'm just kind of in a neutral mood. Staying busy with hobbies is a good idea. Therapist just kind of listened and asked how she could help, but i dont know the answer to that. i'm trying to figure out what i want: to stay home a while longer? (no. i would end up being more triggered by my Dad since my ptsd has been acting up, and with nothing to do, i would probably end up hurting myself.) To go bak to my residential/transitonal living program and go to school?(no. all the pressure of going to school, even though we barely do any work and it keeps me occupied , seems overwhelming. and if i go back and i need to be hospitalized, things will be really bad because the hospital they would put me in treated me VERY badly the last time i was there and left me very traumatized.) Go to a hospital near home? (probably not. being in the hospital sucks. no freedom. no power. no shoelaces. :p plus i am still scared i would be treated badly again.) and where else is there to go? i was just on vacation. it was beautiful and painful emotionally. i dont know what other options there are, you know? *Sigh*
     
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    it seems like the system should be doing a better job of helping you

    is there someone at your residential program that has good advice? I'm wondering if there is another program out there that would be a better match

    maybe when you see the therapist you could say that the help that you need is some practical options for what to do, where to go
     
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