In deep distress

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Petal, May 1, 2016.

  1. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    My past and present are catching up with me even in my nightmares. Having no one to ever go anywhere with down to the rapists family pestering and trying to draw me out to being extremely promsicuous when younger. I wish I could start all over. Obviously since that can't happen I just have to deal with it. I have severe PTSD and cannot cope right now even though DBT is helping me some bit. I feel everyone hates me although they are just thoughts I know. I feel like a failure, mostly because I am one. My family are embarrassed of me and they have even said it so that is factual.I endured severe bullying in school too and even on the school bus, it's all coming back to me :( I want to find a comfy rock and hide under it :(
     
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Oh hun. I'm so sorry you have to feel this bad!

    That horrible creeps family are awful people! I can't believe they treat you like that!

    I know for a fact that people don't hate you here, and I certainly don'. you're such an amazing person and you do so much for others!! I really look up to you!

    I am happy DBT is helping you, and I really hope it will help you more and more as time goes on, you deserve that. I read up on PTSD and DBT, and it seems like it will help.

    You've been through so much, and you've survived it all, and now you're helping others. That's amazing!


    I'm here if you want to talk!
     
    Petal likes this.
  3. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are not feeling well. Hang in there and know there are others that can help even if it is just a kind word
     
    Petal likes this.
  4. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear your struggling right now....I know it difficult and horrible to feel this way.....but try and remind yourself your feelings are valid. I know it's hard but have you tried to just sit with the emotions that you are feeling around this, I can imagin that they will be uncomfortable to be with. But it shall pass. I am sorry your family don't understand, you are far from a failure you have helped so many people here in SF and I am sure there are many more people than just me who are greatful to have you around.

    You have also survived all the horrible things that life has thrown at you and all the pain you have seen. I am sorry you had to go through all of that nobody deserve that *hugs*
     
    Petal likes this.
  5. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* You are not a failure.
     
    Petal likes this.
  6. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    HUGS! Please put the end of the first sentence above at the end of the second sentence. You are NOT a failure. You are strong, a survivor, and DESERVE to feel better than you do right now. Please know we all care.
     
    DrownedFishOnFire and Petal like this.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart<3

    I have done some stupid frigging things in my life, that is without a doubt, more stupid things than others have done or maybe I'm just seeing it worse because I'm living it. It's just sometimes so hard to push the bad thoughts away, I was doing good in recent weeks up until yesterday when anxiety and paranoia started creeping in. I know suicide is not a solution. But I don't know what is? How do you burn the past, agree to disagree with your own mind and move on?
     
    Thauoy likes this.
  8. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    Petal, you are not a failure. You are the one who is helping everyone on this forum by providing kind words and valuable advice. I really like you. I am so sorry for you feeling that way. I do really care for you. HUGS !
     
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  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Perhaps moving on is harder than it looks as people easily can say don't look back. They're just lying they also did look back when no one was looking.

    Your past defines who you are as a person don't let it get to you because without those stuff happening you wouldn't be Petal? Everyone is allowed to make mistakes big or small its part of us that makes us a better human being for the present and tomorrow
     
    Petal likes this.
  10. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I wish I knew, hon. The past haunts. How to move on is something I seek as well.
     
    Petal likes this.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thanks all, I just went for a short walk to help clear my mind and then I saw ''him'' not the man who raped me but someone else I have had a traumatic encounter with. I just wish I wasn't here anymore. I can't go on living like this, I hate myself SO much right now. I feel like giving up. I wish I went to sleep and woke up with amnesia somehow thats the only way I could move on.My 10 year old niece hates me so much that i'm not even invited to her holy confirmation. That day is going to be really hard for me, i feel like it is too late to change the way I am.
     
  12. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Whoa...the neice is only 10 she gets to determine who gets to go or not go to her confirmation which means she sure doesn't understand what it really means and let alone her parents allowing this type of behavior. Have you discussed this matter with her mom who I presume is your sibling?

    It does suck being reminded of something in the past over and over again when we are supposed to be trying to move on.
     
  13. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    My niece has a massive temper and mood swings for a 10 year old. Yes I have spoken to my sister she said I cannot go because my niece does not want me there (background info: my niece's first memory isme having a psychotic episode) and it really hurts because I love her so much. My niece called me a fat bitch a while ago, that hurt :(

    Thank you for caring *hugs*
     
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  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm signing off and going for a long walk because I know that if I don't I will do harm to myself. Thanks for the support all.
     
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  15. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry for all of these things happening. You meeting that man, and your niece.

    I really hope, and I somehow do think things with your niece can get better, it might be a slow process. But damn, I'm so sorry she made this decision. I think it's one she will regret later... but I'm sorry it is hurting you now.

    I know you are close with your mother, right? (hope I remember right, my brain is weird today) but would it ever be possible for you to move to a different town so you don't risk running into such people who trigger you? I know it at least helped me a little bit moving to another town some years back.

    I hope you have a good walk this time hun, and please work hard on not harming yourself. Get a good shower when you come home, do something good for yourself.

    *hugs you*
     
    Petal likes this.
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you so much darling, just went for a 50 minute walk with my mom, it helped loads, i'm just sick of everyone hating me because I say inappropriate things at times, do stupid things, say ridiculous things. It's not an excuse but the BPD plays a huge role in my behaviour. Yes, I am very close with my mom, so close that she wouldn't let me walk alone, she cares and she suffers with anxiety too so I can't be too hard on her. I don't think I will be able to work things out with my niece before her confirmation andmy sister doesn't want me to try as my niece has severe mood swings, hate to say it but it wouldn't surprise me if she grows up to have BPD too. Thanks for all your help *hugs*
     
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  17. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    None of those things are your fault hun, and I'm sad that you get treated like that. But I'm happy you have your mum and she's supporting you!

    Stay strong hun! *more hugs*
     
    Petal likes this.
  18. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    You are far from a failure! I am sorry your niece is being mean to you, I hope things get worked out between the two of you. I know you are dealing with a lot of triggers, but I hope you can find a way to ease your mind.
     
    Petal likes this.
  19. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    Have a nice walk , Petal.
     
  20. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Awe Petal my friend, you're one of the nicest most caring people around. Please never feel like a failure. Love you my friend. ((Hugs))
    Brian
     
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