In desperate need of help

[kryzten2006]

id like to start off by interducing myself im kristen and im new to the group.
so I dont know whats wrong with me to be honest ..I have been suffering from anorexia for awhile and I have had really messed up emotions ever since I can remeber....I became very easily angred im quick to snap my emotions change in moments time from happy to sad to angry its like a switch...I become frustrated with mycchildren and my fiance and i know he has a hard time dealing with it...im constantly thinking and questioning myself as to why i exist...my father died last feb from a herion overdose and before he died he was severely depressed...i think about things i dont thinkl normal people think about...i make a desicison that ill go get dressed them ill be up stairs for hours on end becuz nothing will satisfy me...i pressure my fiance all the time to spend time with me and to love me knowing that he does do this nothing ever seems to be good enough for me he says i project to much negativity and he right i havent went to a doctor nor will i becuz that just wont work...ineed help i need help finding something to bring more positivity in my life and i need enlightment and happiness can someone please im desperate help with this...:sad:

 

[TearsDropBloodTrickles]

Welcome! ^_^ Im still a bit of a newbie as well but i like to think im leaving my mark. Its good that you've come here to ask for help, and like you i dont think going to the doctors would help, but ive done it, not for myself but everyone around me, I think for your fiance and your children, you should atleast consider going to see the doctor.

Do you think your fathers death has induced these feelings or did it just trigger something that happened before that ? While i was at school, i was going to this group at the weekend and it was run by the most wonderful woman i've ever met, her name was Jackie, she was kind, sweet, caring, I could pour my heart out to her, cry on her shoulder. Not too long ago, she died from a brain tumour. I couldnt understand it, she had kids a husband, I had driven around in her car, if there were angels on earth i truely believe she was one, so why would she die ? It made me question exisitence, life, god, everything. Life is a constant mass of questions, some we can answer, some we cannot. I think the most important question for you that needs to be answered is, What is the root of all of this, From where did it begin ? Anorexia, the mood swings, they are the way your mind deals with it, did you know your mind lies to you, to protect you from the harshness of life. Find the problem, i know i make sound easy, but trust me i know its not, but once you have the problem, all you have to do is work on the solution.

Good Luck, you sound like you have people that care about you, will support you, that will make this much easier. Let us know how it goes...

 

[SadDude]

Hey Kristen. Are you sure you cannot narrow in further as to the specific or certain things in your life which are making you unhappy? Anorexia or a family history of depression might play the fiddle with your emotions, but I suspect there are other things at play with you. Can to share more, if so?

 

[gentlelady]

:welcome: to SF. I would like to encourage you to see someone about the way you feel. We will support you as much as we can here. Many people share some of your experiences. It helps to know someone that has been nthrough what you are going through. I hope you continue to share with us. Take care. :hug:

 

[kryzten2006]

okay so when i was younger i lived with my mom my gram and my moms b/f and her three sons...my dad left cuz he didnt want a baby and wanted her to have an abortion but it was too late and she couldnt...that effects me alot knowing i wasnt wanted my mother has a prob as well when i was growing up i was always told i was fat disgusting lazy a **** horrible names all the time never any acceptance or approval no hugs kisses love emotion no i didnt recieve that my lil bros did...when i turned 16 i became pregnant and the guy i was with played on all my insecurities comtrolled and abused me...so after 5 years of that we split up and i was left with the child alone ...weeks after we split my dad died from an od...i saw him a week before that and he asked me for forgiveness and i was cold and said no now hes dead...my son that i had with the abusive father was taken from me they brainwashed him into believeing i was a very bad person...my other son is 8 months old and im very lucky to have him...when i was 12 i was raped on a dirty floor of a trailer...theres alot of things that could contribute i have had a very rough life full of obstacles and when i couldnt cope no more i turned to suicide which i failed and ended uop in the hospital for christmas...i got into coke and did 5 times a day at first then it progressed more after i moved out of my mothers and i havent touched since about 3 months ago...i used alchol weed whatever to numb me...I stopped having hopes and dreams and i forgot who i was...when i was asked to do things for a councelor like make a list of all that was good about me i couldnt...when asked what i would like to do what i would wish to do i couldnt think of anything cuz it all seemed so silly hopes dreams i found them at the time to be fake i lost my relationship with god and came to terms that i would be alone hollow and numb...and thats what happened im not normal i dont have normal thoughtrs i dont dream i dont have hopes wishes nothing im very lonely even with my child and fiance and i really dont have anyone anymore except for them....

i weighed 185lbs when ihad my son that was only in january i am now 117 and spirlaing further down becuz i have an extreme fear of getting fat again...ii dont have voices in my head but my own thought when looking in the mirror is im fat im ugly i need to lose a lil more... i dont know where my anger hate and resentment comes f4om i assume its from everyone i had that hurt that shouldnt have i came to terms yesterday i want a fullfilling happy life but im scared i dont know where to start i dont have control over myself and feeling and sometimes i dont even have feelings my child cries and his father runs to him alot of the time becuz when u go numb its a trivial thing to hear ...im obsessive i dont like when my fiance is out and im here i dont like him converasing with women i dont like not being his number 1 priorty i seek attention and comfort and love and acceptance cuz ive never had thatand its depressing cuz im only going to be 23 in october..but i know i need help i know i need everyone here cuz i know at least ill be welcomed and not alone and i know everyones cases vary from severe to not so severe but mine i dunno im sick i need help tried councelors didnt work couldnt give them anything to work with cant do the pill thing it makes mne even more numb...this is my last hope im looking for help support a reasonably happy life ...my father had mental probs my gram had them and i wanna get better i dont like when i hurt and can feel it when im not smoking weed its intensified..and the anorexia makes me very sick cuz i wont eat more then once or 2 a day and i wont take in no more then 600 cals walking upstairs makes my knees week i become nauseated alot and vomit up acid from my belly i exercize a whole lot cuz i have this idea of a perfect body...i dunno i prob sound like a complete nut job...thanks everyone if u cant help i understand but if u did id owe use all my life because thats what i will gain from this my life i dont want to die but im killing myself with the way i treat my body.
kristen

 

[SadDude]

gosh kristen. no wonder you are in a wreck. i'm curious though about your fiance. is there little support coming from him? or just not the level or depths of support that you need? the reason i wonder... i'd just hate for you to enter into another difficult situation later on, if it turns out he is not giving you the more advanced or complex level of attention/care you deserve. part of getting balanced on your feet again is to take preventative steps to minimize or eliminate future emotional traumas.

how are things financially with you, your partner, and your son?

where is your first son now? was he adopted?