In Italy... I think I'm just going to do it....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by stuckinchicago6, Jul 15, 2010.

  1. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I arrived here on the 11th. At first, I was so indifferent towards being back here in terms of my ex. I honestly felt nothing because I am in love with another man. I was shocked at how being back here didn't arouse any emotions. However, as the days pass, I find myself having flashbacks of last summer. All the promises my ex made. All the years I knew him. Now, he acts like I never existed. He will not even acknowledge my presence. His family pretends like I do not exist as well. They do not even look my way and no hello. It hurts because his father and I were sooo close. The day I arrived here, the charger for my laptop broke. I figured if anybody in this town would let me use the internet, it would be his father. I was WRONG. They were at home. I could plainly see. I rang the bell, shouted his name, and they just closed the lights. My ex drove past yesterday and didn't say anything to me..

    I wouldn't want my ex back if he begged me for forgiveness and if he was covered in gold, but I always still wanted to be his friend. I loved him since he was a little boy. I honestly did. I wish I could still love him and he would love me even if we are no longer in love. Words can't describe the hurt I feel. Despite having traveled so long, I pretty much haven't slept in days. Before I left Chicago on the 11th, I slept for about 2 hours. Didn't sleep the whole trip. Been in Italy a few days now and I have probably slept a total of 6 hours. Practically speaking, I feel like I haven't slept in forever. Yet, I am not tired..

    I am not going to lie, this is the closest I have ever came to really seriously thinking about suici*e. It seems like the only thing that makes sense now and it would be sooo easy to do here. Jumping off the balcony or just hanging myself out in the woods somehow. It is not just about him. I look at myself in the mirror, I look at my pictures and I want to die. I look like complete shit. My eyes are terrible from the crying and lack of sleep. My nose is now crooked with a dent in the side from the accident last year. I just don't think I can go on.. To top things off, I was planning to go to Netherlands to be with my current bf next week, but I don't think I can face him with the way I look. He will run the other way. It really hurts now because he is soooo busy planning his trip there to Holland that he hasn't been able to give me that much attention and we are always out of touch. I love him, I really do because he made me dream again and gave me hope after my ex took all my self-worth away. However, it is sooo hard. I have this constant fear of abandonment because of my ex that I worry that one day he will start ignoring me as well. We fight alot because when he does not immediately reply to an email or text, I get soooo crazy and start accusing him of stuff. I also do not know how sincere he truly is and I am just so insecure that I do not know for how long I can continue. No matter how much I care for this guy, he is somebody I met in December. I knew my ex for 12 years. I just can not stop thinking about him and being a few houses away from him doesn't help at the moment.
    What should I do? Any suggestions for sleep??? Maybe worrying so much about sleep and worrying about what the lack of it is doing to my appearance is just making things worst. How the F do I turn off my mind? Will I ever be happy again? Tonight is the big festival in town. Everybody will be there including my ex. It is a religious celebration. I think I am just going to stay in my house tonight. I am too pensive because in 5 days, it will also be 5 year since my cousin who was my best friend in the whole wide world died. He was only 19 at the time and I was 17. It was an OD. It still haunts me. He was the only one who was a dreamer like me and understood me completely. Now, I am lost. Mom is trying to help me, but nobody can. I just wish I could be with my cousin right now.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 15, 2010
  2. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure what to say really. I hope the suicidal feelings lessen or pass. For sleep, have you tried the usual suggestions like counting sheep or reading? Reading always helps me. I'm sorry you have so much pain.
  3. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply. Reading does help sometimes. Unfortunately, anxiety conquers all.
  4. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I just think it is the weirdest thing to completely ignore a girl forever. To go from having an extremely close relationship to nothing.
  5. cloud9

    cloud9 Well-Known Member

    Hi :hug:

    I'm glad ur finally done with that course and in Italy.

    The feelings of suicide will come and go. Please don't do something harsh. My suggestion is to find something to occupy your time in Italy. Dance, go out with other friends. Check out sites. Maybe travel to nearby countries. If you just stay at home and sit around, your mind will always wander toward this.

    My 2 cents. Don't let this ruin your vacation. :)
  6. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Hey, I think I'm just going to go back home with my mother to study and finally take the LSAT. I just can not stay here like this. I feel bad about leaving my grandmother, but whatever. I love this country. It is sooo beautiful, but I need to take care of myself first and being at my house here in such a rural area without a car is not the answer at the moment. I cry hysterically. The lesson I have learned is that it is NOT where you are, but who you are with. When you have good company and you feel good about yourself, you can be happy anywhere. I loved it here because I had my bf here... Yesterday was terrible at the fest. It is like we never knew each other. Even the most ignorant people from my past will still greet me if I am right in their face like girls I did not get along with in HS and other exes. I am just shocked because he never struck me as insensitive. I never thought he would do this to me. He knew how sensitive I was and how much stuff I have been through.

    I am not 100 percent sure about going back, but as soon as I get a few questions answered, it is back to Chicago unless something radically changes in the next 24 hours. At the same time, these thoughts will not escape my head. I just feel like there is nothing else I can do to change my life. It seems over.
  7. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    To have an ex never ever talk to you again???? What kind of cold hearted BS is that?