I arrived here on the 11th. At first, I was so indifferent towards being back here in terms of my ex. I honestly felt nothing because I am in love with another man. I was shocked at how being back here didn't arouse any emotions. However, as the days pass, I find myself having flashbacks of last summer. All the promises my ex made. All the years I knew him. Now, he acts like I never existed. He will not even acknowledge my presence. His family pretends like I do not exist as well. They do not even look my way and no hello. It hurts because his father and I were sooo close. The day I arrived here, the charger for my laptop broke. I figured if anybody in this town would let me use the internet, it would be his father. I was WRONG. They were at home. I could plainly see. I rang the bell, shouted his name, and they just closed the lights. My ex drove past yesterday and didn't say anything to me.. I wouldn't want my ex back if he begged me for forgiveness and if he was covered in gold, but I always still wanted to be his friend. I loved him since he was a little boy. I honestly did. I wish I could still love him and he would love me even if we are no longer in love. Words can't describe the hurt I feel. Despite having traveled so long, I pretty much haven't slept in days. Before I left Chicago on the 11th, I slept for about 2 hours. Didn't sleep the whole trip. Been in Italy a few days now and I have probably slept a total of 6 hours. Practically speaking, I feel like I haven't slept in forever. Yet, I am not tired.. I am not going to lie, this is the closest I have ever came to really seriously thinking about suici*e. It seems like the only thing that makes sense now and it would be sooo easy to do here. Jumping off the balcony or just hanging myself out in the woods somehow. It is not just about him. I look at myself in the mirror, I look at my pictures and I want to die. I look like complete shit. My eyes are terrible from the crying and lack of sleep. My nose is now crooked with a dent in the side from the accident last year. I just don't think I can go on.. To top things off, I was planning to go to Netherlands to be with my current bf next week, but I don't think I can face him with the way I look. He will run the other way. It really hurts now because he is soooo busy planning his trip there to Holland that he hasn't been able to give me that much attention and we are always out of touch. I love him, I really do because he made me dream again and gave me hope after my ex took all my self-worth away. However, it is sooo hard. I have this constant fear of abandonment because of my ex that I worry that one day he will start ignoring me as well. We fight alot because when he does not immediately reply to an email or text, I get soooo crazy and start accusing him of stuff. I also do not know how sincere he truly is and I am just so insecure that I do not know for how long I can continue. No matter how much I care for this guy, he is somebody I met in December. I knew my ex for 12 years. I just can not stop thinking about him and being a few houses away from him doesn't help at the moment. What should I do? Any suggestions for sleep??? Maybe worrying so much about sleep and worrying about what the lack of it is doing to my appearance is just making things worst. How the F do I turn off my mind? Will I ever be happy again? Tonight is the big festival in town. Everybody will be there including my ex. It is a religious celebration. I think I am just going to stay in my house tonight. I am too pensive because in 5 days, it will also be 5 year since my cousin who was my best friend in the whole wide world died. He was only 19 at the time and I was 17. It was an OD. It still haunts me. He was the only one who was a dreamer like me and understood me completely. Now, I am lost. Mom is trying to help me, but nobody can. I just wish I could be with my cousin right now.