Hi, I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after being admitted to a psychiatric unit after a very serious suicide attempt. The help I have received and the diagnosis itself helped me see the future more positively and I was referred to a treatment programme which means that for a day a week over the next 18 months I must attend. I am still on the waiting list and although I am still on anti depressants, I no longer have any contact with the crisis team since my discharge. I still see my psychiatrist every 6 weeks, but I feel just as alone now as I did on the 4th January when I decided to end my life. Last night I just decided that I could not put up with feeling this way anymore and I just thought 'enough, this time I am getting out of here.' I have felt almost serene all day today as if the decision has been made and I am just waiting for the right moment. My husband who is the only friend I have has just been told that his mum has terminal cancer, and now I need to be the strong one for him and stand on my own two feet. I recently sent letters to my family confronting them about abuse I had in childhood and I am feeling very vulnerable because I am now wondering if I should have done it. I feel very lonely at the moment and I just keep thinking at least there is a way out. I know that I do not really want to die, I just cannot live feeling this way. I know that I should try and talk to somebody but I have isolated myself so much and I am a bit of a recluse these days. I only see my husband. I have been off work since November and my pay goes to half pay next month and my managers are now putting pressure on me to return to work. The occupational health doctor is visiting me next month. I feel that I cannot function on any level, let alone in a stressful work situation. I am just finding existence itself so pointless at the moment that I just have visions of leaving my physical body behind. I know there must be a more peaceful place to go too. I am just so tired of just going through the motions and pretending there is any point. I am going to have a warm bath now. I am surprised I have not shrunk I am having so many baths.