In limbo

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by snow spirit, Mar 31, 2010.

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  1. snow spirit

    snow spirit New Member


    I was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after being admitted to a psychiatric unit after a very serious suicide attempt. The help I have received and the diagnosis itself helped me see the future more positively and I was referred to a treatment programme which means that for a day a week over the next 18 months I must attend. I am still on the waiting list and although I am still on anti depressants, I no longer have any contact with the crisis team since my discharge. I still see my psychiatrist every 6 weeks, but I feel just as alone now as I did on the 4th January when I decided to end my life. Last night I just decided that I could not put up with feeling this way anymore and I just thought 'enough, this time I am getting out of here.' I have felt almost serene all day today as if the decision has been made and I am just waiting for the right moment. My husband who is the only friend I have has just been told that his mum has terminal cancer, and now I need to be the strong one for him and stand on my own two feet. I recently sent letters to my family confronting them about abuse I had in childhood and I am feeling very vulnerable because I am now wondering if I should have done it. I feel very lonely at the moment and I just keep thinking at least there is a way out. I know that I do not really want to die, I just cannot live feeling this way. I know that I should try and talk to somebody but I have isolated myself so much and I am a bit of a recluse these days. I only see my husband. I have been off work since November and my pay goes to half pay next month and my managers are now putting pressure on me to return to work. The occupational health doctor is visiting me next month. I feel that I cannot function on any level, let alone in a stressful work situation. I am just finding existence itself so pointless at the moment that I just have visions of leaving my physical body behind. I know there must be a more peaceful place to go too. I am just so tired of just going through the motions and pretending there is any point. I am going to have a warm bath now. I am surprised I have not shrunk I am having so many baths.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Did the warm bath help? Sometimes being alone in peaceful place is very healing.
    Seems life always throws us a curve ball and I can't help but wonder that your husband needing you now during his tough time is not the Universe's way of saying "Hey stay you are needed". It must feel a bit overwhelming but maybe in being there for your husband you will find a strength in you that you thought you had lost, that has happened to many I know including myself.
    I noticed that you are new and this place is great. I too isolate and have done so to the point I have no outside friends but this place helped changed that. I hope you find what I have found, good caring friends that you can reach out to for support and comfort, in fact I know if you keep posting you will.
    Well I, along with many others, are here listening so please keep sharing and letting us get to know you.

    Be gentle with yourself, Bambi
  3. snow spirit

    snow spirit New Member

    thanks Bambi. the bath did help and so did your words.
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