Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by bnghty, Feb 24, 2011.

  1. bnghty

    bnghty New Member

    I found him dead, next to me, in my bed.

    He was 19 and I was 20. I was a H addict for 4 years. He, was just playing around. I should have not let him use it, but I did.

    I remember tha last time, we were f.cking high and happy, chatting, lying on my bed, making travel plans for next summer.

    He looked happy.

    We must have passed out later and i woke up a few hours later because he was snoring. It was actually clear that something was wrong with him. But I thought he was just snoring because of the alcohol--when he was actually in fucking COMA and couldn't breath, next to me, in my single bed. I kept sleeping like an ignorant idiot, snuggling his dying body.

    He was dead when I woke up, that's all.
    What a stupid way to die, eh? Just because i AM stupid.

    It's going to be 3 years at the end of this month. I am not me anymore. And I am not okay. I quit H, have used none after his dead, just because to make it more meaningful, like it can help. It was ridiculous, unfair and .my fault.

    I can't get over it. Because he will be dead forever, no matter what. How can I?
  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im so sorry you had to go through that, but your still alive and clean, help others with your knowledge. Thats a start, try going to local high schools or middle schools to have seminars, teach others what this addiction does to them.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh i am so sorry for your loss
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    my deepest sympathy on your loss..
    well done for getting clean.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You are allowed to be OK, but what you went through was horrible...many people suffer from PTSD after a horror like that...maybe talking to someone professionally might be helpful...I am so sorry for your loss...J
  6. bnghty

    bnghty New Member

    Thanks for your care. Even a tiniest sign of care is enough to make me cry these days, this is so stupid.

    you are right Sadeyes, I wish I could talk to a professional, even though I'm not sure if it'd help, depending on my psychiatrical history with several shrinks and clinics but i'm THAT miserable. Unfortunately i have no health coverage and no money for it.

    His death hit me double; i got all naked, rejected all my oldschool how-to-cope-with-life tricks and this is not working. I don't know what to do.

    I feel so stucked in between, you know. I look so much better in appearance, that's true. My life is now all fine actually; I got into college, staying clean, moved out from my abuser mom's house to my own place, i haven't cut for a long time; doing no mistakes anymore. I'm so scared of doing mistakes and ruin everything again. I am very talented at that, everything i touch turns into shit.

    And waiting for the day i'll be magically recovered from depression.

    I was prepared for depression, this is what happens when you quit h, i knew it. but never thought it'd last this long and i have started to lose my hope that i'll be able to feel ok some day.

    It was so much better when i was on heroin.

    Tomorrow, will be 3 years.
  7. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    sorry for your loss brighty,i know what its like to lose someone to drugs
    i hope you can talk to a professional even if its just on a phone it may help

    but it sounds like your doing ok now well done for getting clean getting away from your abuser
    you should be proud of the things you have achieved so far and good luck moving forward