Thanks all. My eyes are leaking reading your messages. I posted a long message. But then got scared when three people read and no one responded. so I deleted it. I know thats silly. But this is a fear of mine.
Polyanna, I must say that when I read your name, I remembered that the book and movie by the same name were my favorites when I was young.
What I wrote originally was that I have two things coming up where I will have to see people I knew when I was able to hide who I am. when I was functional. And I do not know how I am going to be able to hide how deep I have sunk into isolation. I need to put on a very good front. And I honestly want to. I just am concerned that I will not be able to. one person is an old friend who is beyond cheery and positive and active. Another is someone I have to drive one hour to see. She will be in my area on Sunday. I have not seen her for probably 35 years. She is very emotionally healthy. I do not know how to hide how far I have sunk. I have tremendous dignity. But I have sunk so low in functionality. I am a recluse. No one comes to my home. And I almost never go out of my home, unless I go to the grocery store. So I am looking for support for these two upcoming events when I will want to put on a good front that I am not sure I am capable of doing anymore. They do so well in the world. I hope this was not tmi. Tomorrow I will see one of the people. I am a shadow of who i was when she knew me. Thank you again for your posts. I am grateful <3<3<3
Thanks for letting me know that. I had no idea. I took pills to sleep on my birthday. was all alone and could only have fermented bean broth So I celebrated with a moderate amount of pills. Nothing to harm me.
First of all, you shouldn't be afraid of anything you post here. Everyone has a demon here that we are not proud of, but the fact that any of us are here in the first places means that we are all willing and able to stand up to those demons, together, instead of facing them alone.
From what I read, you seem to have put up a disguise for everyone your entire life and that it has become something of a safety blanket for you. To harbour feelings of remorse, jealous, anger, pain deep inside yourself while presenting a positive exterior to everyone close to you. If I can say frankly, is that for your own benefit, or for other people? That you are afraid to show others the real you, or that you are afraid of what they would think of you?
In any case, it is not healthy to do that - you can see the results in your own writing and lifestyle of becoming a recluse and one that will only get worse as the years go on.
I can understand that you might be afraid of going outside except to the shops - I am much the same way half the time - but nothing ever changes in life if you keep hod of the things that make you feel safe in life. It can be a scary, daunting thought to cast away everything that you are comfortable with and that you know will never cause you hurt, but that is not living, I'm sorry to tell you. Life has always been hard, physically and emotionally, and if you do not experience those hardships in life, the you will never grow as a person. You will never change. You will always wake up in the morning and take a look around your residence and fall ever more into depression and despair. I had done that exact same thing.
One of your friends who you are going to see, you have not seen in roughly 35 years correct? Why would she expect you to be the same person as she knew all those years ago? It is a long time for anyone, and you might just be surprised at how much your friend has changed in all of that time, not only lifestyle, but way of thinking? Everyone says they are doing very well in the world, career-wise, family wise, friend-wise, et cetera, but why should you worry yourself about what anyone thinks of you or the choices that you have made? The are just as legitimate as the choices your friends have made for themselves. Sure, it might not be as glamorous as your friends, but they have no reason to judge your choices, much like you have no reason to judge them or that I have no reason to judge why so many people prefer watching SpongeBob Squarepants over Dora the Explorer.
One of your friends who you are going to see, you have not seen in roughly 35 years correct? Why would she expect you to be the same person as she knew all those years ago? It is a long time for anyone, and you might just be surprised at how much your friend has changed in all of that time, not only lifestyle, but way of thinking? Everyone says they are doing very well in the world, career-wise, family wise, friend-wise, et cetera, .
She is my cousins daughter. A fabulous woman. An accupuncturist and chinese medicine practioner. She has loads of friends and really has it together.How do I know, family feedback as well as she is on my fb page. The other woman who i have not seen in a few years always insists for herself that her life be completely positive. Shes a dynamo. But you are right, when we resist who we are, we do perpetuate it. The progress is made when we can make peace with and face presenting where we are in life. ( which is really not always who we are). So thank you <3 BTW, I come from a family of very high functioning people who are very respected members of the community. Some are quite high powered and successful on all levels, actually. basically, lots of shame here. So yes, you are right. Dump the shame.
Reading the bit where you said you came from a very high functioning people who are very respected members of the community and even some high level of power automatically made me think back to the box set of Daria my sister gave me recently. Have you seen it?
Basically it's about this 17 year old girl who is a social recluse - her mother is a very successful attorney, while her dad has his own consulting firm and her younger sister is one of the most beautiful, most popular girls in school. She doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, and is not afraid to say what's on her mind (heavy on the cynicism!) but she doesn't let anything around her bother her, because she is content with the life she has chosen to live and anyone who thinks poorly of her choices in life can go to hell. A very funny, yet very thought provoking series that anyone can watch and relate to, really.
So she's your cousins daughter. No offense, but I say who cares? Just what have you to prove to someone you have only seen once in 35 years and will probably not see again for another 15 - 20 years?
Your other friend, well, she might like to surround herself with 'well functioning' members of the community, be very positive in everything that she does, but what's the point in that? If you only fill your life with positive people, positive experiences and can't accept that, sometimes depression can strike anyone, at any time, then what is the point in making that friend like you, if she will not accept you for the person that you are?
Thanks Leif, and everyone. Leif, I know you are right. ( great story by the way ) And I know that no one could judge me as harshly as I judge myself ( well, with one exception). It is I who imposes the judgements. So what if I do not live up to their criteria. So what? Well this will bring more judgement upon the self. So yes, this surly is not about them. Not at all. I have read the words. And I do feel stronger about meeting up with my old friend. Even though I saw her a couple or few years ago. We have not really spent time together in 20 years. Perhaps the point of it all, as you implied and said, is to be ones own champion, even in the face of mental illness. If I can have that compassion, then I surely would not need understanding, or acceptance from anyone else I encounter. It would eminate from my core. Thank you again. I will meet up with her in less than 2 hours. Sunday will be more difficult as I drive 2 hours round trip. Being a recluse, this will be quite an added challenge. But soomehow I will do it. I will get through it. Thanks again <3<3<3