in need of support and needing to vent.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by flowers, Apr 25, 2014.

  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sorry, I did realize how long this would be

    okay,I am going to try posting something here. I almost never do. But I am a bit at the end of my rope with stress. And now my cousin is throwing more my way. I do not know what to do. Because I set up a pattern where she can turn to me for help. My brother and sister in law did the same. She emotionally is very stubborn and can get unglued.

    We three helped her. But my brother is dead. My sister in law is in no condition to help.
    Neither am I, since he died. But she is not able to get the message re: me. eg she turns to me for help with grieving his death. Saying she is not able to grieve properly. She needs more support. Okay,well she has a support system where she is. Including a great therapist. I on the other hand have no one. Yet his cousin is turning to his sister saying she needs more support dealing with the grief process.

    So now she and her boyfriend have gotten kicked out of the apt where they live. Because it is being sold. Her home that she owns has repairs that have to be made due to frozen/burst pipes this winter. At the time... months ago... she just let the contractor not do the work because she said insurance was paying for her loss of rental revenue. She refused to take my advice re not letting the contractor ignore the work, whenever she talked to me. And it has caused things to be compleetly unmanagable. Because she has to move into her house. And it is in disrepair. I told her time after time to get a new contractor. But she would not listen. For 3 or 4 months I told her. Now the insurance adjustor will not even work with her. He is sick of the drama. So now she is calling me in crisis again. And I am not a well of compassion.

    I told her what I think needs to be done. But as always she had a comeback why I am wrong and no one understands. Finally after taking endless deep breaths I got her to see how what I am suggesting is important. She sees it now.

    But until she is stable again I will be getting these calls. Just like before. She has a phone apt with her therapist tomorrow. An emergency apt. Her therapist is on vacation. But she is giving her the emergency apt because my cousin is in crisis. once again my cousin talked about how when she gets like this then she wants to die. So she doesnt want to get worse than this. She doesnt even pay attention to any time I have said that this is my life 24/7. I live without the support system and money she has every day. And I do not have a soul to turn to.

    Finally i convinced her to call my dead brothers best friend who hopefully will help her. He loved my brother. hopefully he will help with the aspect of this that is business related. The aspect where the insurance adjuster will no longer work with her because she took advantage of their time limits. And made such a mess out of things. At the expense of the insurance company.

    Anyway, I am left alone helping her with the emotional aspect of this. I am left with this because my brother is dead and his wife cannot handle my cousins dramas of course. Her brother and sisters do not help her. I honestly am in no condition to listen to it. As cruel as it sounds. I am trying to keep myself in a position where I can get from day to day. But no one but the people here know that.

    I wish I was not on medicare. Then I could have a therapist. But I cannot go to most therapists because they are not covered. I cannot drive far. I cannot go to a therapist downtown because of the agoraphobia. And I can only go to a woman. And I am terrified of therapists because of some past expereinces. There are some I would have gone to. But they are not covered by Medicare. Well, I was in therapy when I got on medicare and had to stop abruptly. Only PHDs are and MCSW are accepted by medcare. Thats it. And I am too terrified to find a therapist who will not hurt me. So I get by best I can since he died. Its worse than it was before.

    So here I am with no support of my own. But yet dealing with yet another one of my cousins trauma/ dramas. At least this time she has a boyfriend. She is completely unhinged when she doesnt have a boyfriend. She goes into even bigger crisis. Boyfriend has his own psychiatric problems. So he is of no real help other than he is a boyfriend. And he does pay the bills.

    Now here is the worst part. She is planning to fly to where I live in a few months. To stay with me for a visit. holy crap. It will be like a sleep in thererapist for her. And for me, I may need a xanax drip.

    Thanks for reading this. I really needed to vent and get some support.
    :pinkheart: :flowers:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2014
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Might be time to tell her that you've done as much as you can.
    Some people (thinks of her mother) are a bottomless pit and have no idea what life is like for the other person.
    Sometimes, in my darker moments, I think they don't care, because that would actually mean thinking about someone other than their selves.

    As to the visit, get your thinking cap on and think of a valid excuse not to have her stay, that kind of aggro you do not need!
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks, Terry. Yes its a very self centered state of being. I too know this because of my mother who is a classic narcissist. But my cousin just has the genetics of my grandmother. As do I, in a way. Although I seem to handle it differently.

    Cousin worked for decades as a therapist in psych hospitals. until she burned out. She she knows a lot about dx and such. I can try to explain to her that I am not doing well. But I already did tell her that when she was thinking of travelling to my brothers remembernece event. I told her clearly that I am not doing well and am very angry. I figured that would stop her. Because who wants to lean on someone who is angry? It did stop her. But now there is July. Ahhh July, lol. I am such a wimp. I dont think I can tell her to not come. And I can tell her until I am blue in the face that I am not doing well. But it is likely that it will not change the dynamics. Because I think her need is too strong. AND I am too much of a coward to reinforce my words with actual bounderies and such. This may be a job for
    :dragon::dragon: The dragon twins. They may be young. But they are mighty
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2014
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    We all want to help and do not want to turn somebody in need away but really there are times when that is the best thing to do. You cannot always be there for other people and the most important person to save your limited reserves of emotional strength for is yourself.

    Trying to explain this and hoping they understand will fail more often than not so I go with very simple and blunt. " I am sorry I cannot do this now but I will pray for you (or hoping the best as appropriate to beliefs) and wish them a good day with a goodbye. It only takes once usually to make forever clear that their are boundaries and they will listen to the more subtle hints after that usually.

    I do not envy your position and hope you are able to get some well deserved rest from her taking advantage soon. :hug:
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    yes. you are right. This is a matter of my being afraid to set bounderies. It is up to me. I have to figure out a way to set them. This is a great challenge for me. But that is where this work is. I must find the most caring and compassionate way to set the boundery even though I am woefully unskilled at it. I admire people who are good at it. But this is what I need to do. Hard though to change the rules mid game. I was an open door. But I honestly would not have changed it if things were not worse for me. I believe she can adjust to my bounderies IF I am kind compassionate and most of all consistant. Hard to do when I have no skill with it. Thanks though for the vote. It helps to hear it. :hug: I am sure I will let her come here. But she must understand that now I am not capable of handing other peoples crisis and dramas. Honestly I can handle it from some people. But not her set of circumstances. Thank you again. Between Terry's and your response I know what I have to do. I just need a courage transplant to do it.....and a months supply of popchips and grated cheese :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2014
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sends a large bottle of vodka and bear traps for the garden path.
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks for the vodka, Terry. Went well with the cheese and baguette assortment.
    Bears were warned: Step away from my boundaries. I cannot insure well being of others during early stages of the bounderies learning process. Previous attempts have fallen short of success, shall we say. Resulting in emotional injuries to self or others.

    So, bears and other sentient beings, consider yourselves warned. Akward attempts can result in unwanted outcomes.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh flowers i do hope you can tell her you are NOT WELL ok she was a therapist and dam it make her hear you ok YOU are not well and cannot take care of her. Tell her to get a room in a motel where she can come and visit you but leave at end of the day hugs
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I already agreed to the whole thing. There is no backing out now unless I want to completely alienate myself from her. I will give her warnings though. She has been told I am not well. But it is my nature to also say I am fine, good, great excellent when someone asks. But she does know the details of my life. So she should know. But I cannot expect another person to know things. It is my job to be clear. i cannot though ask her to stay in a motel. That I cannot do. She has much more money than I. I live way below the poverty line. But still doesnt have enough to stay in motels. I can just hope that something will happen that can make it so the plans do not work out. But thats just fantasy. The truth is that she will plan it and it will happen. And I will get through it. I am not positive our relationship will stay in tact. Fortunatly she has good friends who live an hour away from me. So she will be visiting them as well. Staying here. And then going there. She is not a bad person. Just more than I can handle. Much more