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In pain, all alone, ready to die!....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jacob1973, Apr 23, 2010.

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  1. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    Somehow I have survived the past year. I dont know how, and honestly, I am not sure that I should have. I am so ready to die, and just want to get out from out of my pain. Pain of lonelyness, hopelessness, futureless guilt, no apparent chance of finding a decent woman to settledown with, surrounded with debt that I am choking on, and often working in a job that either doesnt pay me, or makes me work like a dog when I do.

    I can only pay about half my bills this month, and focusing only on those that I can pay.

    All I can think about during the day, or crying in my pillow all night is that of the want, desire and almost immediate NEED of suicide!

    Perhaps the hardest thing is the extreme lonelyness of being in a new town, not knowing anyone, and having no one to talk with. I am writing down a few pages about my life, that maybe someday my nieces and nephews may understand what happened to their uncle. I have no children of my own, and the shear thought of my sucky, and non-existent love life hurts the most of all! I have not even kissed a woman in all my nearly 37 years of life. I cant even remember the one kiss I got from a childhood friend when I was a kid.

    I think its time for me to leave this world of pain, disappointment and failure! I just dont know how yet to do it, but I am fairly sure that it is in the near future because I do not want to have this pain much longer!
  2. am I alive

    am I alive Well-Known Member

    sorry to hear that...i am in the same situation so i don't have any good advice...what i can tell is that it can't be that bad forever,you can find a love if you really want it, its not that hard. It can happen everyday and everywhere. Just don't think about yourself as a loser,you are not...here if you want to talk:smile:
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I too cannot pay all my bills and this is not going to change soon. I pay what I need to survive, and the extra of cable service and internet. A lot of people are in this situation and it is very hard to deal with.

    I'm glad you posted here. It helps to get it out. Do you write your nieces and nephews? You don't have to write about yourself but you can ask how they are doing. Perhaps this will give you a little something to look forward to.

    Being new in a town, on a job, or other stuff can be so hard. What kind of interests do you have? I crochet and go to a knitting group. Slowly I'm making friends. Perhaps you can find a group to share interests with.

    I hope this helps. :hug:
  4. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    When I posted this, I honestly thought I was going to be gone by may 1st, but work has kept me so incredibly busy, it has kept me from going through with my plans. My birthday is on the 9th, and I told myself 6 months ago that I didnt want to live one more day past that. Again, somehow I am still alive!

    I am tired of my 37 years on this earth. I feel hopeless, and ugly. I see women look at me and then turn away, like they dont want to see me. That is incredibly hard to feel alone and without any hope of ever finding someone to love or to be loved. I dont want to live another 3 years like this, let alone the next 30 years!

    But alas, I didnt realize that Sunday was mother sday either, so I felt like a pig wanting to kill myself with my loving mother still around! I know my parents wont be around much longer, because of their health. Talking to them is one of the few ways I have human contact anymore, past a simple "the weather looks bad today" to a waitress. My 24/7 job often has me working nights.

    If I could die today, I would! Simple as that! I just cant get a "method" into my mind.:cry2:
  5. jondoe7

    jondoe7 Member

    dont kill yourself jacob. then i wont have anyone to relate to. though loneliness is beyond painful. those who have companionship will never know what its like to live in total deprivation and solitude like we do
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey there, i was concerned as you sound so very sad and lonely tonight. I just wanted you to know someone heard you and you don't have to be alone in your pain. If you feel like talking, i'll listen. i'm sure others here are listening as well.

    If you can, the chat room can be a good place to hang out and talk to people too. It's not the same as face to face talking, but it oftentimes helps folks--just connecting with others a little.

    Sounds like you've had quite a rough time. Also sounds like you are rather hard on yourself. Maybe ease up a bit and be a little gentle on that heart of yours? Sounds like it is hurting a lot right now. :console:

    It's likely a good idea to stick around. I'm sure it would hurt your mother very much were you to leave her, especially at this time.

    Being in a new town can be rough. Sounds like work keeps you busy. Is there any way you can get out and meet new folks? Community service, clubs, hobbies, i can think of dozens of ways. If you need help brainstorming, just let me know, or i am sure there are other folks here who have some good ideas too.

    I hope you feel a little bit better tomorrow. Maybe you can keep talking, share your feelings. Sometimes that can help a little. Maybe connect with some of the folks here. :hug:
  7. Jacob1973

    Jacob1973 Well-Known Member

    I am tired of the effort in living. I have basically given up. I have no hope anymore.

    I use to do the dating websites, just for some hope, but after a while, it just reenforced my knowledge that I am not a "catch", even though I am told by my family that I am "a great guy, and would be a wonderful husband someday". That is tough to hear from sisters or my brother, when they are married.

    I am frustrated, but also just dont want to get out of bed anymore. I have to force myself everytime work calls me, just to get out of my bed. I often spend hours at work, sitting in a chair, staring into space just thinking about dying. I sometimes start to cry, but generally, I really cant anymore! I am to the point of just not caring!

    I am off for 2 days, so between trying to clean, I will celebrate my birthday alone. Another stupid year, gone to waste! :cry2:
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