in pain. Want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Jul 9, 2014.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I am really going through a rough time and need to find reasons why I shouldn't kill myself, because that is really what I want to do. I am in extreme pain. I have rheumatoid arthritis, a condition where the joints are attacked by the immune system. In just three years, I've gone from being a normal healthy adult to barely being able to walk with a cane. In fact, my wheelchair arrived today, but now I'm bummed out because although it folds it is too heavy for a friend to carry for me. I have been feeling very suicidal for months, and I had the idea that maybe if I got together with a friend and we planned on going for a trip, it would give me something to look forward to – I was going to take the train into New York City, which would be very very hard, but I figured with my friends help, with her taking the train with me, she could carry my wheelchair onto the train, I could use my cane, and that what we got to the Bronx zoo, which was where we were going to go, she could push me around and it would be okay, because I could do anywhere near the amount of walking I would need to do enjoy the zoo. Now though, I tried to lift the wheelchair and it's so incredibly heavy I don't think she's going to be able to carry a. I don't know what going to do. I don't think I can get on or off the train or on and off the subway with a wheelchair. And I hate the fact that I'm in a stupid wheelchair anyway – RA is a progressive disease – it gets worse and worse as time goes on – I've only had it for three years, and it's already progressed to the point that I'm completely handicapped. I'm trying to wonder what it'll be like in 10 years – in 20 – I'm 39 years old. I could live another 35 years. What state will I be in at that time! I can't even imagine. ALso, I'm tired all the time from the RA too. I sleep all the time, and can't be out for more than a few hours or I get exhausted. Fever and fatigue are other symptoms. I always feel like I Have the flu.

    I've gained an incredible amount of weight since I went on steroids to control the inflammation, the steroids are also making me depressed – I'm trying to reduce them, and that makes the pain worse. I know that the fluctuating levels of the steroids (I went down by half a milligram today) could be exacerbating my depression. I definitely know being in physical pain makes it worse. All I can think about is the piece of suicide, the ending of the pain, both physical and emotional. It's so hard to be in chronic pain

    But then, I don't want to hurt my friends. By the way, just so you know, I'm using Dragon naturally speaking to write this – I'm not typing, because I can't type, it's too painful and I don't have the mobility in my fingers. So there may be a lot of mistakes in this and you understand now that I'm not stupid or have bad grammar, just sometimes puts in the wrong word.

    I have friends who really care about me, but I don't think they can understand what's going on with me or how hard it is. I can't talk about methods here, I remember that, but I have a method in mind and I discussed it with my counselor today and she said this method is very painful, and my envisioning that I will simply go off to sleep and drift into peaceful, sweet nothingness is a romanticized view of suicide. She said I would suffer, I could fail and then I'd be worse off, and that my friends will be devastated. I was certain I wanted to commit suicide this morning and so I talked to her, then I change my mind, after going home and taking a nap waking up feeling terrible, I want to commit suicide again. Is just so hard. I'm also having financial problems because last month I went on an insane spending spree and spent about $350 in three days on books and movies and stuff I didn't even need. I'm on disability so I'm on a fixed income, my savings are down to $400, which my mom has a separate account, and I'm going to have to dip into that because I only have about $15 to get me through the rest of the month, not enough to pay my bills. So this is really hard for me, that's the money I was going to use to go on vacation someday. As if that will ever happen – probably not, I can't even get around.

    I want to die more than anything. I just want to die and be at peace. I'm in so much pain, physical and emotional. I see my life is being completely hopeless.
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I am truly very, very sorry to hear about your pain Talia, I am sure that everyone here wishes there was something we could do by way of a miracle of healing for you. I would suggest taking an inventory of the means of support that you do have, your mother, friend, counsellor, doctor, and put all your "cards on the table" before them and ask for their assistance to help you in what you are facing. Also, ..... and I know this might sound weird or scary even, but there have been instances of people becoming healed by intercession from believers-in-God on behalf of those who ask - I just throw this out as a suggestion.

    The other thing you could try is by way of diet - in the Blood Type book

    there are testimonials at the back of people who have found their healing by way of following this way of eating, including (I'm reading one now) a lady with an autoimmune disorder who was put on steroids - then on the Blood Type diet she was given "a detoxification programme, the Type O Diet and a regimen of nutritional supplements. Within 2 weeks, Joan experienced a significant improvement. By the 6-mnth mark, she was feeling 'normal' again. To this day, Joan's energy level is good, her digestion is healthy and her arthritis only flares up when she indulges in the rare sandwich or ice-cream." - There's another page I've just seen with some more advice for arthritis sufferers - it might be an idea to follow this up :)
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hello, firstly I am very sorry you are struggling I really am I can tell from how you write which by the way nothing wrong with it so please don't feel that we might think you have bad grammar.

    You talk about not wanting to discuss how you feel with your friends, I know this is hard I have the same issue not wanting to hurt or scare them. But those friends will want to help would want to do something to support you, and that includes helping you on trips. Your wheelchair might be heavy, in time maybe I don't know sorry I might be naive I apologise you could perhaps have a goal to save for a lighter one? In the meantime I am sure they will help, on the subway and trains there are staff to help you get on and off, I am actually in the uk but I know from friends who are disabled if you call ahead plan your journey they will have someone there to help with your needs.

    I think your counsellor is right, we all well those if us that are suicidal have a "perfect ending" and the reality is it no, it will be painful horrible, and from my own personal experience if you survive can leave you in a worse position both mentally and physically, I am so impressed you were strong enough to talk to someone about these thoughts though and I hope you can continue you do so.

    There are a lot of fad diets out there etc, which personally I think are a load of bull shit, again just my own opinion I have major issues with IBS, I have always found the best way and from again speaking to people I know is to go to the doctors and I don't know if you can in the us but you can get referred to a nutritionist who can help with your dietary needs and if your goal is to lose weight help with this too.

    It's fantastic you have friends who care, so please I know it's scary don't be afraid to approach them talk about your fears, your dreams, and work on them together. I think you could truly achieve so much as you have the support there. And please keep writing here if it helps.

    Apologises if this made no sense I do tend to ramble my thoughts out, and please look after you and keep yourself safe.

  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Good idea.
  5. Matthew

    Matthew New Member

    Dear Talia, Firstly, we are already friends because we are both Herron this forum, in great physical and emotional pain, on drugs that rob us of our true selves, and enjoy trains, New York City, and the Bronx zoo. We differ in that I have more of a financial cushion than you, although in a short while it will all be gone. So I will need help learning how to live without money. Another difference is that you can talk to your counselor about suicide. Every time I try to broach the subject I get shut down or diverted to crisis counseling which is not at all what I need. Let me stop here but in closing I should mention another commonality we share, an appreciation for correct grammar!
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