I am really going through a rough time and need to find reasons why I shouldn't kill myself, because that is really what I want to do. I am in extreme pain. I have rheumatoid arthritis, a condition where the joints are attacked by the immune system. In just three years, I've gone from being a normal healthy adult to barely being able to walk with a cane. In fact, my wheelchair arrived today, but now I'm bummed out because although it folds it is too heavy for a friend to carry for me. I have been feeling very suicidal for months, and I had the idea that maybe if I got together with a friend and we planned on going for a trip, it would give me something to look forward to – I was going to take the train into New York City, which would be very very hard, but I figured with my friends help, with her taking the train with me, she could carry my wheelchair onto the train, I could use my cane, and that what we got to the Bronx zoo, which was where we were going to go, she could push me around and it would be okay, because I could do anywhere near the amount of walking I would need to do enjoy the zoo. Now though, I tried to lift the wheelchair and it's so incredibly heavy I don't think she's going to be able to carry a. I don't know what going to do. I don't think I can get on or off the train or on and off the subway with a wheelchair. And I hate the fact that I'm in a stupid wheelchair anyway – RA is a progressive disease – it gets worse and worse as time goes on – I've only had it for three years, and it's already progressed to the point that I'm completely handicapped. I'm trying to wonder what it'll be like in 10 years – in 20 – I'm 39 years old. I could live another 35 years. What state will I be in at that time! I can't even imagine. ALso, I'm tired all the time from the RA too. I sleep all the time, and can't be out for more than a few hours or I get exhausted. Fever and fatigue are other symptoms. I always feel like I Have the flu. I've gained an incredible amount of weight since I went on steroids to control the inflammation, the steroids are also making me depressed – I'm trying to reduce them, and that makes the pain worse. I know that the fluctuating levels of the steroids (I went down by half a milligram today) could be exacerbating my depression. I definitely know being in physical pain makes it worse. All I can think about is the piece of suicide, the ending of the pain, both physical and emotional. It's so hard to be in chronic pain But then, I don't want to hurt my friends. By the way, just so you know, I'm using Dragon naturally speaking to write this – I'm not typing, because I can't type, it's too painful and I don't have the mobility in my fingers. So there may be a lot of mistakes in this and you understand now that I'm not stupid or have bad grammar, just sometimes puts in the wrong word. I have friends who really care about me, but I don't think they can understand what's going on with me or how hard it is. I can't talk about methods here, I remember that, but I have a method in mind and I discussed it with my counselor today and she said this method is very painful, and my envisioning that I will simply go off to sleep and drift into peaceful, sweet nothingness is a romanticized view of suicide. She said I would suffer, I could fail and then I'd be worse off, and that my friends will be devastated. I was certain I wanted to commit suicide this morning and so I talked to her, then I change my mind, after going home and taking a nap waking up feeling terrible, I want to commit suicide again. Is just so hard. I'm also having financial problems because last month I went on an insane spending spree and spent about $350 in three days on books and movies and stuff I didn't even need. I'm on disability so I'm on a fixed income, my savings are down to $400, which my mom has a separate account, and I'm going to have to dip into that because I only have about $15 to get me through the rest of the month, not enough to pay my bills. So this is really hard for me, that's the money I was going to use to go on vacation someday. As if that will ever happen – probably not, I can't even get around. I want to die more than anything. I just want to die and be at peace. I'm in so much pain, physical and emotional. I see my life is being completely hopeless.