in pain

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by here2day, Apr 14, 2008.

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  1. here2day

    here2day Well-Known Member

    How can I trust anyone? i've tried to talk before and it has cost me more than anyone should ever have to pay.

    i can't even begin. i've tried. and i can't even let it all loose. i have been so used to hiding everything from everyone i do not know how to be true to myself anymore.

    all i know is that it hurts like hell.

    i've built a personal prision for myself, not letting anyone come near me emotionally. been hurt too much. can't take the pain anymore

    this time it isn't me being crazy. come to find out crazy wasn't crazy it was a desease that was affecting my central nervous system i kept telling the docs i wasn't bp. meds didn't work. i did not fit the typical bp outline. no one listened until it was/is too late.16 years later...after my kidneys have been toasted, my liver is failing and my spleen is enlarged, tada...jamie! guess what you aren't crazy, but sorry to tell you... you aren't going to live much longer.

    i can't put my family through this. we don't have the finacial means to try to keep me alive.

    I simply don't think it is worth it.

    I am having hainous flashbacks of my childhood...and first marriage. i can feel, taste, smell it all again. I am RELIVING it. I have to scrub myself off in a hot hot boiling hot shower. still i want to carve my skin from my flesh. isn't it enough that i have to deal with a terminal illness AND these stupid m-f*kin memories? it aint right. somehow i don't think even DEATH can rid me of this sh*t. its been a very, very long time. i did the thearpy bit. i did the medication, the group talking the self help crap and moved on and NOW it is BACK. When I need to be able to curl up next to my husband and feel him close to me for comfort...I am triggered into a nasty flashback and relive the rape and incest all over again. God let my innocence be stolen from me, my childhood be destroyed, my family torn apart and my sould forever scared and now He is taking my body and won't let me have enough peace of mind so that I can touch my husband and let him hold me so i can cope with ....this.......
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 14, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun as tough as that was, you did share a little of your personal Hell. And I am so grateful that you did. I know the barriers that you put up to keep others out. And they are the toughest things to overcome. Like your own personal designed security system that no one else can break into to. And it is so devasting living in your so called safe place but so damn alone. And when memories start to break downthat fortress it's like all Hell is breaking loose. I wish I could help make it stop. But as much as you aren't going to like my suggestion, you need to hear it. It's been a long hard fight to get where you were and now you have "slipped" back. You need to pull yourself up and do a few of those things again. But you aren't alone you have members here that want to emotionally support you through this. And I think you need to share what you are going through with your husband so that he can understand just how badly you want him there for you right now. Not everything because that would be too painful for you, but atleast to know that you are struggling right now and need him but not sure of how to let him.
  3. here2day

    here2day Well-Known Member

    It is a living hell.

    I am sitting here waiting for the results of my 24 hour urine test to see exactly what stage of renal failure I am in today.

    I can't deal with this. I can't see myself fighting for a life that has been nothing but a living hell. I don't see myself waiting for end stage renal failure to kill me off either. I keep asking myself what is worth fighting this off for. Another breath? Another day of self hatrid, self injury, self imprisionment? I know, I know, the key is "Self" I should be able to fix "self". selfish. self centered, self. I've taken care of everyone else but me. I am allowed to be selfish on this point. No one esle is going through this... I am going through this. Others are watching, but I am the only one expierencing it. I don't want hubbie to go watch me slowly die. I don't want to slowly drain my family emotionally or finaically. He's gonna lose me one way or another it's just a matter of how long and drawn out...and brutal it is going to be. I have done well with what was given to me. I have been a sucessful business woman, a good wife (to a point), a terrific mom... all in an isolated sort of way. I didn't give up then (when faced down by my abusers). I didn't woller in self pitty but I never took the time to heal either. I just kept pushing myself forward. I am not about to push myself through this. For one thing, I am wiped out mentally...and physically.

    I'll be okay... I think... I just need space to breathe. to talk and not pretend everything is okay when it isn't.
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