I hate being in crisis! My PTSD from my sexual abuse has resurfaced with a vengeance and it's wreaking havoc with my life. It's all-consuming. I thought I had dealt with all of these issues 10 years ago but now I feel like I'm right back where I started. What's worse is that all the tools I learned a decade ago are gone. I don't remember them at all. I don't know how to cope with this! What I remember most from that time in my life is being suicidal and self destructive on a constant basis. I can't CAN'T go through this again! I've been having self-destructive urges again. Wanting to cut, take pills, I've even entertained the idea of burning myself with a cigarette. I did that once. No thank you. Burns hurt too much. But the fact that I was considering it, even though I know what it's like... scary stuff. I've been trying to find anything and everything to distract me from the fierce intensity of emotions welling up inside. My asthma, poker, sleeping, TV... my latest distraction is something a bit odd. At least it seems odd to me. I started compiling every journal entry I've ever made into a single entity. I found entries going back to March 1991 when I was 18. I then progressed to printing out every blog entry I've written in my blog - all 98 of them. Then I printed out every thread I started here at SF. (Don't worry, I only printed what I started the thread with, I didn't print any replies.) It's like I'm obsessed with collecting everything I've ever written about my emotional state of mind and assembling it into something, I don't know what. Am I the only one who thinks this is weird to do? I've torn the pages out of books cause I've never been good at filling a journal before starting another. None of them were complete. Now I have a huge stack of loose papers, all with my ramblings on them. It started out as a distraction, but my OCD has taken hold of the project now, and won't let go. I'm inclined to let the OCD do what it wants right now. Anything to lessen the level of anxiety that I'm currently experiencing. I'm not fighting it in any way right now. I don't have the strength. I honestly don't know what I'm posting this for. Honestly, who really cares what I'm doing with my journals?? Maybe I'm posting this because if I don't keep myself busy I'm gonna do something destructive. My thoughts keep turning toward a handful of pills and a sharp knife. I can't keep going on much longer. Not at this level of intensity. I'll burn out and then who knows what I'll end up doing? I don't want to go into the hospital again. But I'm afraid that's where I'm headed if this doesn't abate soon. I'm feeling frantic, panicky, restless, confused. Is it distraction to avoid feeling or is it mania with a new project? Is the PTSD mixed with a mixed episode of my bipolar?? I could keep going on for hours, but I'll get nowhere. So I'm going to stop this now. I'm just gonna go take some pills to get some sleep.