In retrospect

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Beliefs, May 26, 2009.

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  1. Beliefs

    Beliefs Guest

    Yes, I'm a member here and no I don't feel like revealing who I am. It's just the way things need to be at this point in time.

    I've been gone for awhile. I haven't felt welcome here in a long ass time so I've taken it upon myself to just walk. It's sad when you've come to a site looking for some kind of peace in your life and all you've had is heartache and misery. You come to a place hoping that someone can understand and maybe, just maybe possibly understand your issues. Somehow possibly even help. I've never doubted certain people on this site. They've always stuck by me no matter what. Those same people have pretty much walked from this site as well. Do we sense a pattern?

    Maybe we've grown to not need this site anymore or maybe we've been pushed or driven away. Who knows? All I know is that what once was a place I felt drawn to, hell even compelled to go to numerous times a day is now a place where I feel worse after coming to. It's sad and it sickens me to know that a place I once loved has turned into a place that was slowly killing me. I really believe that I was slowly becoming more and more angry thus making it impossible for me to find some peace and some resolution in my life.

    Am I happy? Sure, I am. Am I sad? Yes, at times. Do I feel like this place ever once helped me? I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not even sure it ever helped me. I have the people who are my true friends whom I've met off this site that I know have my back. I don't talk to them here. I talk to them on MSN, Skype, etc. So, in retrospect I guess no this site hasn't helped me in a very very long time.

    I've grown apart from people I thought were friends. Thought being the operative word. I've had so many fueds with people I'll never ever meet and for what. Was it to possibly feel better about myself? Hell, maybe. Who knows? All I know is that I'm tired of feeling like an outcast in a place that was designed to help not alienate people. Because I've decided to step outside of the "popularity" aspect of it and because I've decided not to spend all my time here I was pretty much ostrasized. It sickens me to know you become an outcast when you aren't always suicidal anymore. Since when did a sight designed to aid in people's recovery and help become a site where your chastised when you get better. It's disgusting.

    I hold no ill will towards people of this site anymore. It's wasteful. It's stupid. It's pointless. To dwell on the past of this site, to dwell on how people have treated me and how I've treated others is pointless. No one will ever change my beliefs. No one will ever change who I am. I've learned to accept who I am as a person. I will eventually love me and being in my own skin.

    To those that know me. I will give you a little clue so you know who this is. So that way you know that I love you and respect you 100%. I will always hold you within my heart because I fully believe without you and your help in my times of need I might not be here.

    The hint: The damn moths keep dive bombing my face.

    I love you all. I don't expect a response but I'd prefer my anonymity remain as it is. I don't need people chastising me for this as well. Sometimes opinions and thoughts need to remain anonymous for the benefit of the writer.

    Take care.
  2. a well thought out and non aggresive post which mirrors my thoughts but i guess even this will be ripped to shreds.
    good luck to you and i wish you continued happiness such as i have found beyond this site.
  3. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    We don't belong on this world. We don't get along with it. i think this site tries its damnedest to help... But it's still part of this world. Indeed, it's a messy part of this world. Never have I seen so much concentrated emotion. There's clashes. It gets nasty. We're all in our own little hell, and we're alone, and we're defensive. And they're made worse because we all don't think we have to deal with the consequences... But mostly we remain alive.

    Personally, I don't think I gained anything from coming here. But I think that's my fault in a lot of ways... Hard to connect when you're under moderation. It's killed some time, at a time when I really, really needed to kill time. I met one person who didn't screw me over.

    But I think largely it's turned me jaded and cynical. Before I came here I thought the world might be decent if I let it. I thought the depression would pass. But i see a nasty, nasty reflection of the world here... I hate it. I no longer have any respect for life, because of being here. I was on moderation for suggesting suicide as a way out, and ways of doing it properly. If I were asked, I would definitely do methods consultation. If I'm asked what to do about a problem, sometimes I suggest suicide. Sometimes murder.

    And many people are depressed for decades, I see. Now I don't think it'll ever pass... So perhaps it'd be better to end it soon?

    But then. I think this place is great for when you're really scared. Only the lifers have problems... I think this forum is good for short-term help. You come, you tell someone for the first time ever that you're suicidal, you might get some advice. But people like the OP and me stick around too long, meet the nasties, get involved in the feuds, see aspects of humanity that shouldn't be seen... Then it's bad.
  4. Beliefs

    Beliefs Guest

    To Unregisteredhappiness- I'm glad you've found happiness. I'm glad that someone other then myself has felt the way I have. That at least makes me feel a little less alone in this world. I too hope you keep finding happiness in the real world. :hug:

    To Aoeu-
    1. I would never aid someone in suicide nor give them accurate methods.
    2. I would never give the suggestion that someone commit murder to solve their problems.
    3. I don't think the world is a shitty place. I simply think there are people in it that need a lesson in compassion. At one point I was one of them and that's why I left this site.

    With those three statements you and I are nowhere near the same equation. You deserved to be put under moderation because you were putting others at risk of actually killing themselves and not getting help they deserved. Granted this site isn't the best place for help but in the long run they could have recieved help from an outside source such as a therapist, psychologist, etc. You telling someone methods in my eyes is 100% unacceptable and if this makes you dislike me now that I don't agree with you than so be it.

    As for sticking around too long. Aoeu, you've barely been here a year so I don't consider you seeing the nasties and realizing you've stayed too long. I've been here since like 05/06. That is sticking around too long and finally realizing too many years later that it wasn't helpful at all. It just dragged me personally into the darkness a little too far.

    If this isn't what you wanted to hear as a response...sorry. Next time don't post such negative stuff into a thread that isn't about encouraging suicide/murder. It's about moving on and clearly you haven't done so.
  5. dork

    dork Guest

    Beliefs, we've had conversations on this topic before, and I agree with you 100% (hopefully you can figure out who I am...) It's so sad that in a lot of ways this site does the exact opposite of what it was set up to do and keeps people stuck in depression rather than helping them conquer it. It's not real life but too many people act like it is while life slips past them. Maybe that realization only comes when you start to feel better though.

    Just wanted to say I hope no one has a go at you for posting this, and I'm proud to call you my friend (even if you do attract moths)
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