Basicly i just want to finnaly say all of this to someone (even if it means in writing). In the last 10 years or so i haven't feel happy. My childhood was fine becouse i was kid and didn't really notice all the problems around. At around 12 my parents got devorced, it was really heavy my dad beat up my mom who never knew when to stop arguing and even though they thought i didn't hear most of the stuff i did also i saw few times bruises on my mom's neck. After the devorce me and my mom moved to her parents who constanly reminded me how bad my father is and even though unwillingly they kept reminded me how my dad screwed their daughter. I didn't had any friends and i started eating like literally everything. Soon i got fat and unhealthy which made my highschool living hell. My dad was trying to reconnect somehow but i was in conflict, if i forgive him what will my mom think. During that time i started hate myself and i relised how better would be life of my mother if i was never born they would split year or two after if they didn't had me mistake which marked their entire life. With that came first girls, i tried to hinted girl i like her only once and she reacted horiffied of how can someone like me like her. After that i decided i would spare any other girls shame of being liked by me. During my last grade i lost weight massivly and now i'm at around 67 kg on 175 cm which is even bit lower than it should be. Though even i'm really healthy now i'm afraid for my mental health. There is girl i meet this year and talked a bit, we don't talk much or anything but out of the blue i got insane crush, i don't know why but i just know i can't stop looking at her pics she's most beautiful person i've ever seen. Now if i'm normal human being i would act on this but i just can't. I know that someone might say just go for it but i CAN'T. I can't tell that to her i don't want to make her disgusted and ashamed of herself becouse i like her. I don't want to put her through that, why would someone like that want someone as fucked and scared like me. Tragic thing is i'm pretty good looking now i'm not athletic but i'm pretty fine. Last day she sat down one raw in front of me in the class and i couldn't stop looking at her pony tail and thinking how happy would i be even if she touchs my hand. When she talked to her friend and loughed few times i felt such joy i can't remeber last time feeling. But then as always there is that other voice in my head who loughs at me and called me pathetic ''why would someone like her do anything with loser like you'', ''not even your mom and dad liked you, hell you don't like yourself why would someone as pretty as her make you happy?'' '' you don't deserve it, you're cowered?''. And i'm a cowered i can't beat voice in my head, same way as i never said anything to my dad when i know he was chocking my mom, same coward that can't kill himself and make everyones life and financial situtation better. They would probably be sad for few weeks but later they would see how better they are with me gone, i'm nothing i'm unmotivated, self loathing loser, i've never even had someone hold my hand least of all kiss, finnaly after few weeks nobody would miss me. BUT I COULDN'T I WANTED more than once but i just couldn't. I don't care for sex or whatever most of guys at this age wants i just want to feel that feeling that i metter for someone i forgot how that feels but i'll never be able to do that becouse i'm to big of a coward. I can't even say to my father how he screwed me how he made me feel like shallow shell for last 10 years. I just want to hold her hand and walk around with her, make stupid jokes i don't know be happy but i know i can't and that it won't happen and that is killing me. I don't want to live like this, few times before i felt like this but i always endured somehow with some hope of thing getting better, but now i can't see anything anymore, i can't see myself finishing uni i can't see myself with anybody but voices in my head. I know i'm scared and damaged and i don't want for anyone to be with me and had to bother with me nobody deserve that and if i have to give up my life and my happpies in order to not make someone else ashmed or sad i'll do that. Half of my life seems like bashing my head through walls just to find myself infront of bigger one and i don't have neither strenght nor will in me for that. Thanks for reading i wanted to take this of my chest for awhile now, sorry for long post.