In serious crisis now. I have a plan.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by insac2015, Jun 13, 2015.

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  1. insac2015

    insac2015 Member

    I awoke today depressed, scared and hopeless. I can't eat. I can't sleep. When i do it's only for a couple of hours. I just vomit, cry, and don't know why I'm still here. I want out. I want to drive somewhere and end this misery. A roommate of mine killed himself in my backyard last November. I found him <Mod Edit:Methods>. Another friend/roommate died a week ago. I have no family. Very few friends. Things are unstable at work. My daughter tried to kill herself a year and a half ago. We have no relationship. None. She's 16. She's been pregnant, had a abortion, caught smoking meth, with boys 10 years older than her etc. It breaks my heart. But she doesn't want me in her life. I have child support to pay, etc. I've been trying to do my best. I feel that i have failed. I'm worthless. No hope. There is no reason for me to even stay around. I feel like it's my time to exit. 46 year old male. Northern California. Shawn
     
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  2. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you feel so bad. I'm always in crisis myself. I wish that I could end my misery as well. Life is so bad for me all of the time. All that I ever think about is my mental condition. People shouldn't have to suffer the way that some of us do.
     
  3. insac2015

    insac2015 Member

    you're right AAA. We shouldn't suffer like we are. Now I'm having physical health problems too. This is ridiculous. I am so angry, so depressed, and just defeated. Hopeless. I'm going out tonight and i really don't know if i will ever return. My employer is screwing with me. I can't take unpaid time off but i can't work out in the 100+ degree temperatures. I've already had heat stroke and they said they would accommodate me. But no. They don't care. But i can't stop working. I have child support to pay. Rent, food, bills!!! So maybe it is time to check out. I'll decide that tonight. Best wishes to you AAA.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I read this post earlier but wasn't sure what to say,sorry. You say you have a few friends, could you confide in any of them? They might be happy to help, I think it is worth asking them anyway.Sorry to hear about your daughter, I got pregnant at 14 (miscarried), that does not mean you have failed as a father. She's 16, her hormones are all over the place, as she gets older she will realise that you only want the best for her. So take it 1 day at a time and things may fall into place. Are you getting professional help, I think that'd be a wise idea given how you are feeling. Best wishes.
     
  5. insac2015

    insac2015 Member

    I don't have any true friends that i can really confide in. I'm pretty much on my own. I've been through a lot of professional help. Useless psychologist, etc. Psychiatrists that won't give me stuff that helps and anti depressants that don't really help. So, as professional help goes, I've pretty much exhausted that route. Shawn
     
  6. okeydokey44

    okeydokey44 New Member

    Shawn, things are going to get better, not today, not this moment but they will. I have been in your shoes and planned my exit. I am well now, I am sending you healing thoughts and hope times a thousand right now. Have you told anyone how you feel? Can you call anyone and talk? Even vocalizing your feelings can be healing, I'm sorry of the pains in your life right now, its easy to blame yourself, however its not you. Life is painful at times and we go through hurdles, I was in a place and didn't see a bright spot for some time ,I can understand that even maybe reading some ones words can not relate, however to let you know there is a relief for you to keep going. I have realized my pain even at the worst of depression has brought me to great paces now that I have dug myself out of the hole I was in, it wasn't easy but it was worth it, can I talk to you? I am sending all the positive energy to you I can, please know that,
     
  7. adrift

    adrift New Member

    I'm responding because I have so similar problems. I think about it too, although I'm not there yet. Things seem very hopeless for me too. I have a 13 year old daughter and she is very troubled. We have a very bad relationship, she has turned against me. It breaks my heart. I am still married, but trapped. I'm a little older than you, and lost my job a few years ago. At my age there is very little chance of getting another job. I feel like my whole life has led to this failure. I freelance a bit but it's not nearly enough. So, I know how you feel. It's bleak. But what i think about is how would my daughter be if I was gone? You should think the same thing. Even if you don't have a relationship now, I guarantee you she would be crushed if you took your life. There is always hope to mend it. Start with small steps. You say you have no friends. I wonder if that is because you don't want them, or are afraid of connecting to someone because you feel worthless. I believe that when one forgives themselves, and others, a better life is possible. Find someone you can share with. if you have even the smallest substance abuse problem, try going to AA or similar meetings. I have not but I know it has helped a lot of people. Always think how your daughter might feel if you carry through. You might think that she wouldn't care, that she is too far gone, but I doubt it. No matter what has happened, you could always fix it. You have to start with yourself, and it will spread. Good luck and don't give up.
     
  8. insac2015

    insac2015 Member

    Ok. I did it. I reached out. I talked to a couple of friends and they were understanding. I discussed the issues with my ex wife. She was understanding also. So i did reach out. It doesn't change my situation. I'm still stressed out but at least people know what and why. I actually went to church this morning. It helped a little. Well, at least I'm getting out. So i guess i took the first step i guess. But i still have a lot of crap to deal with concerning work. I guess I'll take small steps at this time. I guess suicide really is a "easy way out". I don't want to hurt others with my demise. It's still very hard though. I'll post tomorrow about how work went, unless i can't sleep. Lol. But really, thank all of you for your kind works and encouragement. Shawn
     
  9. briaairb

    briaairb New Member

    Reading that made me teary eyed. All I have to say is there truly is a light at the end of every tunnel. Life gives us struggles to test how strong we are and in the end our blessing awaits. I know its hard and its a toxic feeling. My suggestion is find something to fill in that empty void inside. From what it seems, your life is filled with sadness. Have you thought of getting involved in things that'll make you happier and get your mind off of things? I'm sorry if my advice isn't that good I really want to help and I don't want you to end your life. Please push through and in the end you'll find your happiness. Life is unpredictable, although you may think things will forever be bad trust me it will not.
     
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