In tears

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sad&Bipolar, Jul 27, 2014.

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  1. Sad&Bipolar

    Sad&Bipolar Active Member

    Today is one of my worst. I so want to end my life. My eyes are filled with tears and I just don't want to live. I had to go to the hospital two weeks ago, and here I am again feeling this bad. I probably should go back, but I really do not want to. How can every day get worse and worse?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is good the tears are coming then hun you are able to release the sadness inside you not let it build up. Yes you should talk to your doctor or go back to hospital and talk to someone ok perhaps they can adjust your medication or just give you some support to help decrease the pain you are in
  3. Sad&Bipolar

    Sad&Bipolar Active Member

    My meds are a problem. In the hospital they put me on a mood stabilizer. Then when I got out, my TMS doctor took me off it because it is an anti-seizure med and will interfere with the magnetic therapy. I spent 8 days in the hospital, and I really don't want to go there again. I am so afraid that when my regular Pdoc realizes I am still feeling this suicidal, she will take me off TMS and have me start ECT. I had ECT 10 years ago and never want to go through that again. My Pdoc mentions it every time I visit her. She's really pushing for it. Now that I've been on TMS for a while and it isn't working, I know she will insist on ECT. I am really scared. I am in such pain, and then to think of having to go through ECT on top of it is making me terrified. The last thing I want to do is call my doctor.
  4. nady

    nady New Member

    i have been in your place before just remember to stay strong its hard as hell but i promise it gets better. you know that feeling when you think it will never get better and the pain seems to hard to bare, well that pain goes away and you will become a stronger better person. i found that it was hard to open up and actually talk to people but once i did it made things easier to live with. just remember we are here to help!
  5. Sad&Bipolar

    Sad&Bipolar Active Member

    Thank you, nady.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I have never had those treatments you have mentioned (TMS,ECT) but I will be honest, I have only heard bad things about ect (major memory loss), and know nothing about TMS. Why did they take you off the mood stabilizer and was it working for you? Could you explain to them whatever it is that you think will work. I think the majority of the time we know ourselves what we need unless we are in such a state that we can't.
  7. Sad&Bipolar

    Sad&Bipolar Active Member

    Thank you all for your support. On July 28, I had an even worse day than I did on the 27th. Somehow I managed to get through the night without acting on my SI thoughts. feelings and very strong urges. The next day, I did go back to the hospital and spent 4 days there. It was just what I needed. My SI thoughts have gone. I am now feeling much better.

    Petal, TMS is transcranial magnetic stimulation. It is like the technology used for MRI's. The mood stabilizer I was on interferes with the magnetic resonance, making it inefficient. I was only on Tegretol for a short time before being taken off of it. So it really did not have a chance to begin to work. I will be visiting my Pdoc on this coming Tuesday (8/5), and I will discuss medications with her. Perhaps we can find something that will act like a mood stabilizer that does not affect the part of my brain that the magnetic therapy targets. I really do not know what will work best for me. I am still hoping that the TMS will be successful, then I will just need maintenance medications. In the meantime, I have to let my doctor make med decisions for me.
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