In the back of my mind...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bonbon718, Dec 3, 2011.

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  1. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    It really amazes me how complex feelings can be. I can be having a fairly decent day, nothing bad happening, and appear to be ok.. when in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking about suicide. I don't get how that works. I know there's something wrong with my brain to make that happen. I just don't know how to deal with it/react to it.

    If this makes any sense, does anyone else ever feel this way? Probably not, since it's a really strange thing.
     
  2. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    I do know what that's like. You may be surprised to find that a lot of us here on the forum do. Realizing I did this was the thing that eventually lead to my accepting that it was a real problem. Not just me being eccentric. Not just going through a temporary rough patch. That it wasn't going away even when I otherwise felt mostly alright.

    Pay attention to this. Try to keep track of just how often your mind wanders down this path and how you happen to be feeling otherwise at the time.
     
  3. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Mr. Stewart.
    I have been keeping track of the thoughts.. and they come at all times of the day. It today has been a better day, they haven't been nearly as frequent. But on any given day, they come no matter what I'm doing.
     
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Yes, I have them, too. I don't know where they come from or what causes them, but you're certainly not alone.
     
  5. I think I can understand where you're coming from. I feel something similar -- as though I have conflicting parts of my personality. I was suicidal a while ago and I had forgotten about it. I recently realized it's been there buried underneath everything else because it got triggered again. Since then I feel like there are warring parts of my mind. One who can still enjoy living or at least who chooses to live regardless of how bad things get, and one that has the suicidal thoughts.

    So yeah, yesterday I was having a really great time talking about good times in my life with someone I care about, then I was trying a new technique to give me more confidence, and suddenly I got the bad thoughts which just seemed to blindside me.
     
  6. bonbon718

    bonbon718 Well-Known Member

    That's it exactly! I hate that this happens, but I don't know how to make it stop.
     
  7. I hate it, too! I wish I knew how to make it better also. In my situation, I think it has to do with a fracturing of my personality from trauma. In therapy, I work to realize that these are all a part of me. Even though it can be intimidating, I'm trying to understand more about each side and explore where the feelings come from. Sometimes I'll write conversations that I have in my mind and then I share them with my therapist. For now, it's just nice to have someone to validate my feelings. I hope that some day I can have less of a struggle going on and more peace in the mind.
     
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