In the dark, all alone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Metallica*Melinda, Nov 6, 2007.

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  1. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I'm all alone in this damn fucking world. It seems like the harder I try it just messes things up more... I try to be liked, but no nobody will say shit to me... I try to please people, but the harder I try the more people get mad at me. I see my family doing great, people around me doing good... all that shit. I really do try, why cant I get anywhere.
    I just sit in my room in the dark bleeding my worries away... lately I've been cutting so much I'm suprised my arms are still attached.
    I dont know why i cant just get things right. I mean I get yelled at every damn day by my boss, lately I just cant seem to work anymore, I've taken so many sick days and when I am at work its like I'm barely there... I've given my notice, I just cant work anymore. My dad, who means the world to me, well, he just cant understand this depression or my suicidal feelings. Not only is he fueling my suicidal feelings by yelling at me for EVERY LITTLE THING, but he's making me hate him, I just can't bare the thought of us not talking anymore. But he didnt want me at home for Halloween, he may not even let me come home for Christmas, this will be the first Christmas I've missed. His reasoning is because he doesnt want me to kill myself in his house... or at all. I guess some of the things that are happening are also my fault because I've been pushing my family away. I told my dad not to bother calling me, which hurts me sooooo much, but I just cant talk to anyone, let alone the only person in my life that keeps me alive. He's done so much for me, he raised me from a baby, he did everything. So basically I can't talk to him, I just dont want to hurt him. I'm scared I'll start crying one day when I see him.... because lately I've been crying all the time... for no reason a lot of the time. I dont want him to see my cuts either, he'd get so worried.
    I just cant handle this anymore, I try and try and FUCKING TRY... why can't I get it right?
    Right now i have every intention to kill myself tonight... I have my plan and everything... I most likely wont because I am going to see my dad tomorrow, I might even say that I dont want to see him because of the state I'm in. I know it hurts him when I say no to a visit but I cant let him see me like this. He has no idea how horrible I'm doing right now. And I dont want to worry my sister either...
    I dont know how much longer I'm going to be around for, I'm so close to doing it, I really want to do it tonight, but even if I dont the next thing that sets me off will be the last thing that sets me off...
    ~Melinda... :sad:
     
  2. simonl

    simonl Member

    are you on any medication, seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist? i think you should consider those methods before trying the final step. good luck, please keep trying.
     
  3. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    Well, yes I'm on a few different medications, I do see a doctor... so yeah, for so many years my life has been hell. I've tried to commit suicide before, but of course I will succeed this time.
     
  4. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are so upset right now, over the few years I have pushed away the few people I care about too becuase of my depression. Although it is hard, all I can say is that you should just keep trying, you might be upset now but it sounds like you still have people in your life that care about you and who you care about. Even if they don't understand your feelings, they clealry want you to be safe. Feel better and stay safe :hug:
     
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Please Mel I hope you really reconsider honey and stay on I know you're really fighting so hard,about Med's I bet I've tried over three dozen different types down the years and they've all done jack shit.I've just finished up having ECT which is shock treatment at the hospital and still sweet Fuck all that's done,so I'm wondering also what will help.
     
  6. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I'm still here. My dad called right when I was about to do it, seriously right as I was going to. He just said he wanted to say good night and he loves me....
    I'm still doing horrible... still am planning to die soon... but im still here... for now.
     
  7. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry Mel I just wanted to let you know I understand the pain you're in and how hard the road is,I wish I could fix this rotten feeling in a flash for you as much as that does nothing for you.
     
  8. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I didnt want to start a new post because that would be a huge waste of space... kinda like me.
    Anyway, I quit my job yesterday... I've had enough. I also saw my dad yesterday, but I didnt talk to him, I said maybe two words the whole time. He asked me what was wrong, I said I was tired. I want someone to know how I feel because I dont want to wait until its too late... but at the same time i really do. I know if he heard me say that I started cutting again and was thinking of another suicide attempt, he would snap. He's already got heart problems and I dont want to risk his health just to tell him how I feel. But at the same time I know if I kill myself he will have a VERY hard time with that... not to mention my sister and brother. But fuck, I'm just sick of this B.S. I can't take it anymore, I swear to God that I cant do this anymore.
    I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm on the edge and I want to jump. The only thing I feel anymore is pain and hurt. I can't take the pain. I cant look ahead and see good things happening... as it says in metallica One, "Hold my breath as I wish for death..." thats totally how I feel right now.
    WTF can I FUCKING DO? FUCK!
     
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