in the dark

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by sunshine21, Aug 29, 2010.

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  1. sunshine21

    sunshine21 New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I have decided to share my story with you. I am suffering from chronic pain due to probably an operation which was not carried out properly. I had been leading quite a normal life until two years ago when I had an operation which changed my life forever. I was feeling so so badly that I just stayed in bed and cried and cried. I had to leave my job, move back with my parents, losing all my independence. I went to see various doctors and did not got help. I don't want to go into details about my misery with health care, I want to tell you where it led to. A year ago I started to have suicidal thoughts as I felt that I cannot cope. I don't have children, don't have a boyfriend and when I started to have this medical problem some of my friends abandoned me as well. So I thought that killing myself could be a solution. I was talking about it with my family and I explained them that I cannot see an other way. Feeling pain, getting no help can change your personality and the way you perceive things in life. I was holding on but a few months ago, I broke down so much in desperation that I simply couldn't stop crying and it was like time stopped. I was told that I cried non -stop for nearly two hours. Next day I went to see a psychiatrist who at first suggested that I should drink herbal teas such as lemon grass. I was shocked at her advice and asked her to prescribe something so that at least I can sleep. The only advice I got from her was to try to lean on the people who love me as this is a very difficult situation...Time was ticking away and nothing changed. Then a few weeks ago I decided. I was collecting secretly all kinds of medicine. On that day I told a lie to my parents that I am going to see a friend of mine. Of course it wasn't the case. We own a little farm where we go only occasionally. It is a remote place several kilometres away from my home. This place is surrounded by fields of corn so I thought that this could be the place. I went there sobbing, sitting for a while. Then I hid my bicycle and I went further and further into the fields. I took all the sleeping pills( at least a hundred) and I thought that after being a bit sleepy I could take the rest of the pillst. My last memory is running and crying in the fields then I stopped, fell to my knees sobbing and then nothing. No memory. The next thing is I remember is a tube sticking out of my arm. Then again nothing. I took the tablets around 6 pm and my parents said that I came home about midnight. Even weeks after the incident I don't know how I came home. It was during the night in a remote place. Did I walk? Did somebody give me a lift? My legs, especially my knees looked terrible covered with bruises. My parents said my eyes looks very stranged, I looked very confused. They somehow put me to the car but when I found out that they want to take me to the hospital I started to fight. It was the hospital where they did not carry out the operation correctly. When we got there the nurses somehow dragged me out of the car. I spoke to the doctor, went straight etc. and they did not believe that I had taken anything. I just told them my story, my agony and why I took the tablets. They kept me in for the night. In the morning I left the hospital after signing the papers that I leave for my own responsibility. Thinking about it now I don't understand how they could let me out. I mean I had no idea what I was doing. Maybe I looked OK but even now I don't have any memory at all. Even the face of the doctor, in which hospital room I was in, what they were doing with me... no memories at all. I don't know how I could sign the papers, as I think I hadn't got a clue what I was doing. Anyway, they let me. I did not have any money with me, no mobile. I walked again at least 4 kilometres to a friend of mine. I don't even have memories from that either. How I could walk so much in that condition? I probably must have been staggering and people might have been thinking that I am drunk. Nobody asked me if I am ok. Finally I got to my friend...I hardly got there when the police appeared. My parents were looking for me everywhere as the hospital did not inform them about my leaving. The policeman gave me a strange look but as my friend assured him that from then on they are going to look after me , he left. I don't have hardly any memories from that day either. I was just sleeping and sleeping...I just have memories from the 3 day on. Terrible stomach aches, headaches what came afterwards and of course so many questions. Those who are my real friends try to convince me that everything happens with a reason and it was not the time for me to leave. I want to believe it but it is hard.
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, it seems that you really want to live, because you found your way home, in spite of your desire to die in the field alone. I am sorry about your constant pain. You should try a pain clinic. Change psychiatrist, too. Where there is life there is hope.:hugtackles:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    definietly get a new doctor okay get one that will help you heal from all you physical and emotional pain. Apsychologist one that deals with emotions thoughts Your GP can order you some antidepressants and get something to control your pain okay reach out and get new supports okay i am glad you had good friends to help you and hopeyou can hold on to them to keep you strong okay
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi sunshine and welcome to SF. I'm sorry that you had to go through such an awful ordeal, but I'm glad that you found your way home and recovered. I think that after you took those sleeping pills, you might have sleepwalked your way home. Some sleeping pills can cause sleepwalking. I also think that your guardian angel was looking out for you that night and that it was not your time to go yet. Don't give up hun. :hug:
  5. sunshine21

    sunshine21 New Member

    Thank you for the replies. I was told to try to look at this 'escape' as a sign, to a start to a new life. I am looking for answers how I could get home, but somehow my mind blocks all the memories...
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    It's probably a good thing you don't remember ...would have been pretty scarey..
    You definately are not meant to go so I hope you get some more help and stay around ..
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