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In the Empty Moments

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Crestfallenman, Sep 14, 2013.

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  1. In every true learning, and every moment that we share in this place. This endearment of life, comes times where we all feel as we are falling. But how far would it be to take, to live among a silent realm for the rest of your life. Isolated to the point where no one can hear you. What do you do when you can't fully express the needs you desire? How would you live inside of a world, completely alone for years? How would you develop a sense of learning from the situation? Or would you establish any form of learning at all? And after this trial of questions, you remain at the last one. What would you do, to experience pure conceptual happiness once more in your life?

    Where in the world do we start, and where do we end? Is the dream that you think of honorable, practical, reasonable, and realistic? Or is it a senseless wonder?

    Tonight I remain awake, triggered by my own feelings of demise. I'm sure some of you that read this, are experiences something similar...

    Thank you.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm listening, you're being heard.
  3. I appreciate the active listening, but perhaps ones input might be helpful
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Crestfallenman. I'm not sure from your post if you feel you are already alone, if you want to be alone, or if you are seeking ways not to be alone. :noidea: Regardless of what you are seeking, knowing what you like and don't like and being able to express that could be helpful.

    I think most humans generally want some connections/contact with others, though there are certainly some who prefer life on their own as much as possible.

    What sorts of things do you want and need? Do you long for company/companionship? What things seem to trigger your feelings that something is great or that something is missing? When do you feel good, and what is going on, who is there, what is your role in that situation when you feel good? What things annoy you or hurt you? These are just questions to think about. You don't need to reply here unless you want to...and if you do, we never know what might come of a simple convo.

    I hope you're doing all right. :)
  5. I'm know I'm never really alone, but inside, yes I feel rather away from the realm of society currently. College work usually does it, especially if you are going above and beyond. I could not agree wit you more that knowing of who am, and being able to express is probably the best for all of us. I also agree on the connections. It is difficult for me to determine what I need or what I want. I want what most everyone would want, right? "To love and be loved" but what about companionship? All my life I have not had the healthiest of all relationships, but needless to say they were all relationships.

    I have many trust issues I must say first though. An overwhelming sense of abandonment, that goes a long a whole series of deeper darker things that I care not to discuss so publicly. I will not my expose myself in such away just yet.

    But I, will share a part of my story. Because this is my evidence that pertains that the thing I chase for "love" it seems to be a falsified. Because my perception has been quite disturbed by what I have seen from love. I was born on a very heavily dependent drug by my maternal mother, I was exposed to a drug driven, aids infested, alcoholic family, with a wonder mother that was surrounded by her children of these sorts. I had an experience of three very closely related deaths, within a months worth of time, at a fragile adolescence, I lost a lot of people through the action of killing oneself. I was pretty much turned a blind eye to since a teenager, got myself into dark situations with drugs and a series of terrible habits.

    I do not understand the compromise a relationship can create, I for one have been in many relationships where I did more than my share of compromising, when my other behalf did minimal or little. And vice-versa where it was her doing mostly compromise, and I doing nothing. This reminds me more of a conditional conflict though, perhaps one I should change without much effort. I should focus on myself and others as two equal benefits..I apologies I am getting of track.

    I've been hurt in way unimaginable, and I've been forgotten about before. I have been fighting by myself from powerful problems And I've made some definite progress. I'm tired though, my energy feels its been depleted, in my performance I seem to be slowing down as well, but that is because of the overwhelming classes I took.

    When I think something is great, is when I see all the hard work that I put into while fighting life situations. It brings a satisfaction to see the victory, that you never would have seen. When I feel something is missing, is when I look around me, with all of the people in the world, that I can so easily connect with, but little do they know of the pain that dwells inside of me, even when I am smiling. I think of my mother, and why she couldn't be here to see how hard I am trying right now to straighten out the life that I have let fall to ruins. I feel empty when I go home at night alone, when I stay up all night writing really difficult college comprehensive writing, and I feel even more empty before I sleep and wake up. I feel I am shutting myself down by all the work that I put extreme effort inside of.

    When I feel good, I usually feel really great instead. Because I don't maintain a long sense of happiness but when I do, I try to hold onto it, and enjoy it when it is there. Like going to the beach once in awhile, or exercising on a skateboard, or mastering a test or a really hard paper in school. That sense of accomplishment, feels very good to me. I enjoy the matter of things that make me smile, and feel warm inside. My role is simply stated, I try to maintain the happiness, express it, and share it with others.

    The things that hurt me, is when I am betrayed, decieved, and worst of all treated like I'm someone of no form of intelligence. People who use me for my productivity, and become more counterproductive on myself. I hurt inside when I know how alone I have been through good times, hardships, mishaps, in my life. Big events such as holidays, I find myself to be alone, without any text from anyone on my birthdays, or feeling alone on Christmas times. I feel hurt when there is no one around me to comfort me in the times that are usually crucial. I feel hurt when I see so many people that were directly related turn their blind eye on me. I am hurt for a lot of things.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    That is a lot to be thinking about and dealing with! Thank you for sharing it! :hug:

    Betrayal and a sense of abandonment when we most need people do hurt a lot. They can make us feel less inclined to trust others. Sometimes we feel so betrayed and hurt, we shy away from making connections. But distancing ourselves or not making connections doesn't shut down our deep desire to have friends and people who love us and care about us, or our need to love and care about others. It's a tough one, because we can't make connections if we don't take the risk to connect.

    I think you said a very important thing: I should focus on myself and others as two equal benefits.

    Equal. Both sides do the give and take, the compromising.

    Making oneself strong, confident, able to be an individual in one's own right are key to having something to offer to another person. Then we can be strong, or sensitive, or giving, or needing (and so can the other person) without our having to second guess anyone's motives. Perhaps we need to become strong in our own sense of self and THEN seek out relationships.

    You seem to be a deep thinker and you observe others closely. Do you have anyone to talk to about your thoughts, feelings, and observations? A therapist or counsellor? Someone objective and trained to guide/direct people through their inner thoughts and feelings? It can really help a lot. An objective person who cares but who is not "involved" in the nitty gritty.

    I'm sorry things from your past are still affecting you today. Again, counselling/therapy can help us to work through our feelings and left over behaviors so the past doesn't dog our life forever.

    I'm glad you are able to identify things that make you feel good and satisfied. Working hard to complete a paper is definitely an achievement! :)

    Most of us feel hurt if we are betrayed or taken advantage of. I think it feels even worse if our own sense of self relies on what others think, rather than being strong enough to stand alone. That's why it's important to see yourself as an equal. The trials you have been through seem to have been hard ones, for sure. I think you are strong because you did survive! It might help if you learn to recognize your strength and to use it to work on becoming a person who knows he is unique and worthwhile just for being you.

    I hope you'll consider therapy/counselling as well as keep talking to us here. It helps, just letting some it out sometimes. Be safe, Crestfallenman. I'll be thinking of you!
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