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In the end, we are all alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by peachswirl, Oct 3, 2008.

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  1. peachswirl

    peachswirl Member

    I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for someone to try to talk me out of anything. I just want a record of where I am in my state of mind and what I am planning to do.

    One month. I'm giving it until November 5th. If nothing happens, then I will live.

    I've never been happy. Well, that's not entirely true. I was happy when I was little, but when my parents started going through their personal nonsense and knocking me around in the middle of it, that's when the happiness faded. I was 6-years-old, far too young to understand what was going on around me. I'm not going to go into some long-winded and useless biography of my life. I'll just sum it up by saying that it is chock full of abuse, betrayal, loneliness, and rejection. I'm 27 now, and I never have been anyone's source of happiness or appreciation. I've been looked upon with curiosity, indifference, or just plain annoyance. I was raised by a single father who suffered greatly just to raise me, and now can't even stand to speak to me. My mother is useless; not even worth mentioning, really. I have some younger half-siblings who barely know me, and a slew of relatives who are virtual strangers, and most of whom I do not care to know anyway. I'm all alone, always have been. Never known love, not even momentarily. I would rather die than to live like this for another 60+ years.

    I've been considering suicide for well over a decade, although people who know me probably would never even dream that I have been in despair for so long. I hide it quite well, but I can never ignore it. I have survived all these years by hoping that I will eventually find something that will make it all worth while. But I have always had a sinking feeling in my gut that there are several things that will just never happen for me: happiness, love, marriage, children, and dying old. Even as a child, I always believed that I would eventually do away with myself. I am so incredibly mediocre and an embarrassment to myself. I would rather die than be a failure at life.

    I've held on for a long time, but now I'm down to the final month... maybe. This year has been terrible financially. Of course, I'm far from the only one who has felt the pinch, but I've had to deal with this without any encouragement or emotional support. I've had to borrow money, which is incredibly humiliating. I spent the first few months of this year unemployed and building debt that I can never get out of. Back in May, I landed a great job at a major university. It doesn't pay as much as I used to make, but there is (or so I thought) job security and great benefits. But yesterday, my department was told that there may be cuts coming next month. I'm devastated; last one hired is first one fired, right? If they have to cut people, I am certain that I will be the first one to go. I can't bear the thought of more brutal months of living in poverty, trying to find a job on the brink of a nationwide depression. I can't do it again, and I won't. If I lose this job, -- which is the only thing keeping me afloat -- then I quit. I quit breathing. I quit living. I quit existing. I am absolutely done with this useless and wasted experiment that is me. I'm not scared to die; I see no evidence of divine retribution, gods, a hereafter... I welcome the oblivion, the end, nothingness. Will my suicide bring people I have daily contact with shock and discomfort? Probably, for a few weeks. But people are inherently selfish; they will only think of themselves, as I would in their place. "I know someone who killed herself." "What could I have done to recognize the warning signs?" "I... I... I..." Don't get me wrong; I do not begrudge anyone who would think this way. It's normal, and the people I work with get along with me, but do not hold me in such regard that any of them would be crushed if I died. And as for the others in my life, as I said before, most of my relatives barely know me at all. My parents could care less. I have almost no friends to speak of; I am accountable only to myself. I would rather die than to be lonely AND unemployed/homeless/impoverished.

    No matter what anyone will say, the truth is this: nothing in life is guaranteed to happen... NOTHING, but death. This is why I refuse to talk to anyone about this. They will start spewing some bull about how death is too final for so-called "temporary" problems, or that I will hurt my "loved ones" (of which I have none... and anyway, trying to guilt-trip me would only make me despise myself even more), or that life is worth living (really now, are not I the only one who can truly make that judgment? Am I not the only one who knows for sure if MY life is worth living?). Seeking professional help is costly, and money is something that I have very little of these days. But what would cost me more than just dollars would be the stigma of therapy and prescription drugs. I would rather die than live as a perceived nutcase.

    And the sad thing is, I really don't want to die. I do want to live. I want to experience things, go places, meet people... I want to have a life, but only under certain conditions. And if those conditions are not met, then I see no good reason to go on.

    I'm giving it until November 5th, so I can at least vote in the election. (Just because I see no point in my own life does not mean I don't care about the future of humanity.) If I still have my job on November 5th, then I'll live. If I do not, I will die.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Try group therapy! That is all I will suggest! If you want to talk then PM me!
  3. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    It's not your fault you feel this way. It's dumbass America, a country that doesn't give two fucks about it's own citizens. I know exactly where you're coming from because my background wasn't that great either. Like the song goes, Birth, School, Work, Death. They promise you things at birth, they lie about things in school, they rob you of things at work, and in the end there's oblivion, which is the best part. And in between, there's taxes. Me, I'm gonna make sure I hurt a few people before I go.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Peach...yes, in the end, it is a very alone journey...but there is truly a difference betw being alone and lonely...in my (humble) opinion, one must be one's own source of happiness/affection...it is not to say it is very difficult if one was not given what was needed when young (I do have first hand history as well), but that is not to say that because one was not given this, that one is not lovable...also, here you do not have to hide how you are feeling...there are many of us who truly understand, and would be there to support/affirm you...please be safe and PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J
  5. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    Sounds like we're in the same situation. I can't imagine living the rest of my life with no good money, which may be a possibility soon. Don't let anyone make u feel bad when they say that u are gon 2 hell if u commit suicide. Nobody ain't got any evidence of this. Although I do believe in God, I know that he doesn't want us to live if we are gonna suffer for the next 60+ years. Heck who knows, maybe the good people who commit suicide will be rewarded in the afterlife for their courage of leaving this world which is clearly controlled by the devil because the evil people of this world has given it 2 him. U seem 2 be a good person, so trust me, God will punish the evil assholes in this world. I'll holla at u later seeing how we are in a very similar situation. Until then, God bless u.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello PeachSwirl,
    Just wanted to let you know someone is still here checking on you! How are you feeling today? Me I am fine I took a xanax and it helped calm me down. I surely hope things work for you because I can tell you have a kind heart! Please take care of yourself and don't worry about money, they can't get blood out of a rock. I have child support after me saying I owe back support. Hell my daughter is 27 and living with me. I paid those dumb asses along time ago. Unfortunately I have no proof I lost evrything to flooding during a hurricane.
    I will check on you later to see if you are feeling any better!!Stay Strong!~Joseph~
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    That's nice. Make sure you hurt as many people as possible to perpetuate exactly what is wrong with the world.

    Nobody ROBS anyone of anything. Life is what you make it. You can choose to complain and blame everyone else for your lot in life, or you can actually do something about it. Here's a question: Has ANYONE in the history of mankind had a perfect, pain-free upbringing? Of course not. That doesn't make life some horrible tragedy, it's just the way it is. We can wallow, or we can try to make it better.
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Peachswirl. Sorry to hear that you are hurting right now. I know that you really don't want to die, nobody does. You just want your suffering and financial problems to end, and right now, suicide seems like the best option. But no matter how bad things may seem, suicide is never the best choice. Also, there's nothing wrong with seeking professional help. It doesn't make you any less of a human being to seek professional help or take medication. I know that things seem bleak in America right now, but Obama and the democrats will probably get back into power and things should get better. Please don't kill yourself hun. Life is worth living. :hug:
  9. Minni

    Minni Member

    You do have a life. It's just not very pleasant. Constant hardships are normal and a lot of people here feel the same way as you do. And just quitting your life is a good idea, I think. It's fast and you won't have to suffer anymore. But seriously now. Are you gonna lose to your hardships just like that? It's not like you're not worth dying. You're too good to kneel down to those around you. The people that made you feel this way are not worth dying for. Of course you're not dying for them, you're doing it for yourself. But you're doing this BECAUSE of them and your hard times. That is the point.
    Fight back. Be strong. I know it's a real pain to go around begging people for money or even looking for a new job. But that is life. And you said it yourself. You want to live on. The conditions you want in order to live on, these you have to create them yourself, since your parents weren't able to do it for you. Indeed some people do have luck and get the right caring parents, but that doesn't hinder you from creating the right conditions other people had from the start. I know it's not fair. Life is never fair that is why there are people who are always suffering. You are just one of them.
    But even you are able to overcome them, just like anyone is. So you get fired? So what? Look for another job, even if it pisses you off like hell. "What's the point in doing that if you're still alone and will die anyway", you ask? The point is the experience you will get. Fighting back and win. You lost? Fight again and you will eventually win. Even if you have lost 10 times more than you have won. It is still a victory. Being alone is better than being with the wrong person. Remember that! If you haven't met the right person yet, that only means that there is no one in your surrounding who is the right one. But there certainly is someone somewhere else. Be patient. And most of all, stay strong.
    How do you want to die?
    1st option (you die now): "I don't care about anything and dying fast was the best option"
    2nd option (you fight back and die in 60+ years): "I kicked those dudes in their sorry b****. I WIN!"

    You choose. But remember. Choose wisely. You only have one life which you can change whenever you want to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 5, 2008
  10. AlexDanish

    AlexDanish Account Closed

    Let's try not to turn this into a political circle-jerk, guys...
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I thought this was a suicide forum! When did it change to a palitical debate? We are suppose to be here offering advice and supporting people that are in bad shape! I know alot of people are worried about what is happening here at home, but please don't do it here! If you want to argue do it in the chat room!!~Joseph~
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Peachswirl I apologise for what just happened. I want you to know there are those of us who are concerned about you!! Please Take Care~Joseph~
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Sorry about that Peachswirl. As you can see, many of us like discussing politics and can easily get carried away. :hug:
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    WTF!!!! A person comes here with the courage to create a thread about his/her feelings, pains and thoughts and you people turn it into a political debate? Good God!!!! Try and remember the first time you really opened up here and think about how you would of felt if your issues got totally ignored and redirected!!!!

    I want to apologize for the few members who seem to have forgotten themsleves. Peachswirl there are still people here that believe this is a SUICIDE forum and have read and understand and feel what you are saying. Please dont give up hope. I know exactly what you mean as I have said often "I dont want to die, but I need to". Hun, posting was a great start and you have had some supportive replies. Please keep in contact with those people, pm them or find them in chat and talk about how you feel. No, I'm not suggesting that you let them try and persuade you differently but rather just let someone who understands share thoughts and ideas with you. One of the most difficult issues with depression and suicidal thoughts is that you become very isolated with those thoughts. Here there are unfortunately too many of us that know exactly how you are feeling and can maybe share some insight into ways that have worked for us to hold on. Please peach drop me a pm anytime you need to vent or just need a shoulder to lean on. We should hit it off just fine as Seagrams's Peachswirl is one of my all time favorite coolers!!! (lol).
  15. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    This thread is in the Suicide Forum, Peachswirl has come here for support, 9 political debating posts have been deleted, please have some consideration for Peachswirl and stay on topic.

    Peachswirl, please keep talking to us, there are many people here who understand and want to be here for you.
  16. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    I didnt read most of the post, but I agree with the sentiment, in the end we truly are alone and we just have to figure things out for ourselves, I wonder if even our parents care about us, I dont think my parents care about me and I am not sure if that is normal or not

    It can be liberating in a way to know we are truly alone and no one cares about us, or it can suck in the case if you are someone like me and you wont be able to find a partner
  17. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I hope that peachswirl is ok. :unsure:
  18. peachswirl

    peachswirl Member

    Yes, I'm still here. I was going to say something about the political posts, but they were deleted before I could. It probably turned that way because I mentioned that I very much want to vote in this election. I actually do like a good political debate, but that's not what I had come here for.

    As for you Pit, your comment about hurting other people before you die disturbs me. I would never want to harm anyone else; the only person I have ever considered harming is myself. That whole narcissistic misanthropy that some suicidal people have garners no sympathy from me.

    Not really. Like I said before, I've been thinking about this for years, even when times were good. I've never been happy. The only difference right now is that I cannot cope with the idea of losing a job I badly need right now. If that happens, and things get even worse, then I see no point in going on. I'm miserable anyway, and I have no family to turn to.

    We're all dying. This isn't a contest. It really makes very little difference if I die now, or 60 years from now.
  19. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Peachswirl,
    I am glad you are still with us! I agree with what you told PIT he never has anything nice to say. I filed a complaint about him. I can't see harming someone else just because you are hurting and thinking of commiting.
    I just want you to know like Hazel said there are plenty of us who care what happens to you. Try exploring other options that will have a positive outlook on life. Just use your imagination! Try something different like bungy jumping!(just kidding, I almost heard you smile way down here in Florida!) Surely there are things you have wanted to do, but just haven't done them because you didn't have time.
    As far as work goes it is affecting everyone!! My sister is looking for a part time job to help because they upped her mortgage $250. I think that was what she said. And they are talking about another increase. She also is scared that her company will close there doors the end of the year. See you aren't alone. I have even increased the money I give her for living here. I am on disibility and it hurt to give up the xtra money but I knew she needed it.
    Stay Safe and Talk To Us We Are Here For You!!!!~Joseph~
  20. Minni

    Minni Member

    Why don't you try to change your point of views. It looks like you're making your life even worse than it already is. Life is not always bad. I'm sure you have had at least some happy memories of your life, but you might just not be able to remember them well since you have to stress over so much more things right now. You not having a family to return to is not exactly right. I don't know how your family situation is right now, but your dad wouldn't have raised you if he didn't love you at least a tiniest bit. As I said. I don't know much about your current life so I can't really help you that much, but what I know for sure is that you're not accepting your already existing family. Maybe because they are useless in your eyes, or maybe because they're not as good as other families people got. But they are still your family. Guess what will happen if you tell your dad that you want to kill yourself. I don't think he will turn away from you. Trust me. Yeah, he will probably turn into super-care-mode for a while, but if he doesn't care then that does NOT mean the end of the world. Right now you may be lonely, but I can tell you that one day you will not be alone. For sure. The present and the future can be changed. It only depends on a person's efforts.

    Well, in a way it is a contest. You struggle in order to live a happy life. it's a contest with yourself. You're fighting not against others but yourself. Now, what's the difference of dying now or later? I've often asked myself this question. But never really found an answer to that. I can't explain it. The reason for exisiting and living on in this world is unkown to everyone. But still we live our life not knowing if it even makes any sense.
    It's human to be weak and to think about dying when you're about to give up. Think about it yourself. Asking what the difference is whether to die now or in 60 years. It's the same question as: "Why do you want to live?"
    You said you want to. But why do you want to? Tell me the answer than it will automatically answer your previous question what difference your time of death will make.
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