I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not looking for someone to try to talk me out of anything. I just want a record of where I am in my state of mind and what I am planning to do. One month. I'm giving it until November 5th. If nothing happens, then I will live. I've never been happy. Well, that's not entirely true. I was happy when I was little, but when my parents started going through their personal nonsense and knocking me around in the middle of it, that's when the happiness faded. I was 6-years-old, far too young to understand what was going on around me. I'm not going to go into some long-winded and useless biography of my life. I'll just sum it up by saying that it is chock full of abuse, betrayal, loneliness, and rejection. I'm 27 now, and I never have been anyone's source of happiness or appreciation. I've been looked upon with curiosity, indifference, or just plain annoyance. I was raised by a single father who suffered greatly just to raise me, and now can't even stand to speak to me. My mother is useless; not even worth mentioning, really. I have some younger half-siblings who barely know me, and a slew of relatives who are virtual strangers, and most of whom I do not care to know anyway. I'm all alone, always have been. Never known love, not even momentarily. I would rather die than to live like this for another 60+ years. I've been considering suicide for well over a decade, although people who know me probably would never even dream that I have been in despair for so long. I hide it quite well, but I can never ignore it. I have survived all these years by hoping that I will eventually find something that will make it all worth while. But I have always had a sinking feeling in my gut that there are several things that will just never happen for me: happiness, love, marriage, children, and dying old. Even as a child, I always believed that I would eventually do away with myself. I am so incredibly mediocre and an embarrassment to myself. I would rather die than be a failure at life. I've held on for a long time, but now I'm down to the final month... maybe. This year has been terrible financially. Of course, I'm far from the only one who has felt the pinch, but I've had to deal with this without any encouragement or emotional support. I've had to borrow money, which is incredibly humiliating. I spent the first few months of this year unemployed and building debt that I can never get out of. Back in May, I landed a great job at a major university. It doesn't pay as much as I used to make, but there is (or so I thought) job security and great benefits. But yesterday, my department was told that there may be cuts coming next month. I'm devastated; last one hired is first one fired, right? If they have to cut people, I am certain that I will be the first one to go. I can't bear the thought of more brutal months of living in poverty, trying to find a job on the brink of a nationwide depression. I can't do it again, and I won't. If I lose this job, -- which is the only thing keeping me afloat -- then I quit. I quit breathing. I quit living. I quit existing. I am absolutely done with this useless and wasted experiment that is me. I'm not scared to die; I see no evidence of divine retribution, gods, a hereafter... I welcome the oblivion, the end, nothingness. Will my suicide bring people I have daily contact with shock and discomfort? Probably, for a few weeks. But people are inherently selfish; they will only think of themselves, as I would in their place. "I know someone who killed herself." "What could I have done to recognize the warning signs?" "I... I... I..." Don't get me wrong; I do not begrudge anyone who would think this way. It's normal, and the people I work with get along with me, but do not hold me in such regard that any of them would be crushed if I died. And as for the others in my life, as I said before, most of my relatives barely know me at all. My parents could care less. I have almost no friends to speak of; I am accountable only to myself. I would rather die than to be lonely AND unemployed/homeless/impoverished. No matter what anyone will say, the truth is this: nothing in life is guaranteed to happen... NOTHING, but death. This is why I refuse to talk to anyone about this. They will start spewing some bull about how death is too final for so-called "temporary" problems, or that I will hurt my "loved ones" (of which I have none... and anyway, trying to guilt-trip me would only make me despise myself even more), or that life is worth living (really now, are not I the only one who can truly make that judgment? Am I not the only one who knows for sure if MY life is worth living?). Seeking professional help is costly, and money is something that I have very little of these days. But what would cost me more than just dollars would be the stigma of therapy and prescription drugs. I would rather die than live as a perceived nutcase. And the sad thing is, I really don't want to die. I do want to live. I want to experience things, go places, meet people... I want to have a life, but only under certain conditions. And if those conditions are not met, then I see no good reason to go on. I'm giving it until November 5th, so I can at least vote in the election. (Just because I see no point in my own life does not mean I don't care about the future of humanity.) If I still have my job on November 5th, then I'll live. If I do not, I will die.