I know, that what i want, I can't share with anyone. I can share it for however long you'll stay, but you have to go live your life eventually, and that is when I'll crumble. So I can't connect like that. I can't really connect. I suppose I can tease the bond, but that I wont touch with. So what am I left with? Why bother with anyone or anything. Im bored, im empty, im lost, im dissolving. im forgetting me and there is nothing I can do to stop it now. Ive tried for almost 20 years, all distractions, all attempts, all forms of moral and ethical stances, all sorts of restrictions. Now Im so restricted, I ccan only be me in text. The moment I talk, it's over. My voice, your presence, I've created 20 years of walls. And if i break them down infront of anyone, youll touch whomever I am. But youll leave eventually. You have to. So .. I donno. I dont care about eating, unless hunger kicks in, and I can just have a cup of tea to suppress that for a bit. I dont care about how I look. I dont care about how the enviornment around me is. I dont care that someone is suffering somewhere. I dont care that there is happyness out there. I dont care that there are people that want to help. I dont care that there are people enduring worse lives. I dont care that there is life outside of humanity. I dont care that the sunset is beautiful. I dont care that the snow covered fields are gorgeous. I dont care that a persons touch can change a life. I dont care about any of it anymore. I dont care about greater realisations and understandings. I dont care about anything. I dont care about living now.. i dont care about trying. I dont care about a cat a dog a gf a wife a experience a travel a dish a thought a feeling... maybe a feeling.. maybe a thought .. maybe a touch.. maybe but i dont. i dont care anymore. i give up on it. i dont care about my own limitations.. i dont care about my body.. i dont care about my self respect... i dont care about my life... i want to feel one last sense of drive to resist to proclaim i exsist.. then vanish in terror. its what im starting to see. this is pretty different. this is pretty old this is pretty new this is pretty common this is pretty unique for me this is pretty old for you . theres just me. and im dying inside. i dont understand anything anymore. i cant do what i want. i cant touch you how i want. i cant share what i want. i cant flow with you. i cant do anything right even for myself. i cant move righth i cant do things right i cant remember right anymore. i cant keep trying for a positive hope. i cant restrict my thoughts away from my exsistence anymore. my failings as a social individual and individual outside of society are too great. in combination with my own exsistence, they are too much. i cant try anymore i wish youd let me feel one last sense of pain one last sense of dispair outside of my own one last sense of misery one last sense of feeling something then leave me. i can still sit back up and disclose a marginal shell of structure and positive energy, but it's not enough to stop the cascading reality that encompasses my exsistence. have you ever kept going regardless of the consqeuences regardless of what it would mean. i kept going for a positive nature regardless of the fact that i touched with death. ir an away so hard i forgot what i was running from. and i cant really remember now, it's a new reason a new rational a new reality. the old is still there. but it's .. it doesnt matter. no ones going to take this or me seriously, but guess what you mother fucker, when you read this soon, youll feel LIKE FUCKING SHIT. and you know what, i dont care anymore. <-- perhaps thats a lie. Perhaps i dont want you to hurt. but If you are in my life, .. you are not my walls. You are not my pillars. you are not my safety nets. you are not my hope. you are not my loves, you are not my dreams, you are not my life lines, you are not my happynes, you cant be any of that anymore. i WILL kill any bit of you or I will humiliate myself by failing to touch and share with you. I donno fuck it. I wish i was a song.. atleast id have a flow. ATLEAST ID BE FUCKING USEFUL ATLEAST I COULD TRY ATLEAST I COULD DO SOMETHING ATLEAST I COULD GIVE SOMETHING UNIQUE BACK ATLEAST ID .. stop living and exsisting on a suicide forum . atleast id be able to be me. whatever that is. atleast atleast atleast .. i can get out of this if i want to I suppose, lie to myself, hope for more. but im sick of hoping i want real. I want in my face i want to touch i want to feel and im fucking never going to get it i know that. I lack the basic skills to even attempt to reach them. let alone flow with them. i lack the patience, the intelligence, the wit the connection the flow th fucking life lessons the care the touch the disconnection the connection the life. i dont i cant i fail every moment and i literally mean that. im just a rock for you to step off from. im just a brick in your wall im just useless and meaningless. i cant even make an impact in anything. what fucking use am i ? I just drain on everything i dont understand how i am still alive. i dont believe anything anymore. i CANT STAND TALKING ABOUT THE WHAT IFS ANYMORE I CANT STAND NOT HAVING LIFE. AND IM NOT PROCRASTINATING! MY ISSUES KILL MY CONNECTION IT @:S NTO FUCKOGDH HGKLKJH DSPROCRATINGADSKJAL$KJ FTYIU FUCK YOU!"!£RWLKUlkj im spiraling out very badly... and because i dont do anything.. i can keep going deeper. and deeper until i just release. I will be a sterotype eventually. failing in even leaving here. failing in anything and everything failing in life i have no hope. Pain snaps me out of it, pain makes me fear for this body. So I have stayed awayfrom pain all myl ife purposely. so I dont create an endurance to it.. I dont know why i would do that anymore . things change, or has it been things have always been the same. full circle. you never saw me, ive never seen me. i dont know who iam.. why cant i be me.. why cant i be me..please tell me ..why why cant i be me.. why i want to be me. i dont want to hide i want to be me.. leave me alone stop making me attach to your flow i want to be me.. lveav me alone please please go away let me be me.. who am i.. ido nt know what am i .. i give up a little cry there. lol fuck it bounce out like normal Forget that feeling Shell up FORGET FORGET CANT HOLD ON CANT FUCKING HOLDONTOMEMEMFLDSLKJDKGSHFUYCK SAKEKSKLSK!# i have to lie now. i have to truly pretend. i thoughti could pretend and survive in it, but its not going to work. i cant hold out that long anymore. i can feel everything about me dissolving. i want to die atleast feeling me.. losing me at once however it goes. you wont believe me i know. i dont believe it yet completely.. but now.. now is different. letting go with a face..just long enough. Im just chilling, having a good old time Thinking about school you know, got some trips planned, oh going to redecorate, going to take the dog for a walk going to get pissed going to listen to music going to get stoned going to go for a run going to think about gettinginto shape going to think about things going to todo things going to liegoing to hope for some connection going to hope someone sees me going to lie going to go along with it with a smile going to get lost going ot get lost going to get found its not going to happen but ill lie ill pretend ill FUCKING DO THAT until your back is turned, and then ill fade inside a bit more, but i want you to know something. no matter what i do in this life, im always fading slightly... just.. when im alone. i feel closer to me.. and i fade even more. dont hate me dont hate yourself dont care about me.. ffs dont care! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE! cause you do?? What you care about is a surface construction created BY WHATEVER was left of me. BUT YOU DONT KNOW ME, youve never SEEN ME, cause Ive never LET me live. You might fucking think this is whateveryone goes through but i dont give a fuck. Ive not been me. I DONT give a fuck about what the rest of world goes through. I dont live in comparison anymore.. and all my life lines are gone.. im just left with my pain my emptyness my shell my lack of life,.. but ican bounce off of you.