In the end, you can't be there.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Axiom, Mar 28, 2011.

  1. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I know, that what i want, I can't share with anyone. I can share it for however long you'll stay, but you have to go live your life eventually, and that is when I'll crumble. So I can't connect like that. I can't really connect. I suppose I can tease the bond, but that I wont touch with. So what am I left with? Why bother with anyone or anything.

    Im bored, im empty, im lost, im dissolving. im forgetting me and there is nothing I can do to stop it now. Ive tried for almost 20 years, all distractions, all attempts, all forms of moral and ethical stances, all sorts of restrictions. Now Im so restricted, I ccan only be me in text. The moment I talk, it's over. My voice, your presence, I've created 20 years of walls. And if i break them down infront of anyone, youll touch whomever I am. But youll leave eventually. You have to. So .. I donno.

    I dont care about eating, unless hunger kicks in, and I can just have a cup of tea to suppress that for a bit. I dont care about how I look. I dont care about how the enviornment around me is. I dont care that someone is suffering somewhere. I dont care that there is happyness out there.
    I dont care that there are people that want to help. I dont care that there are people enduring worse lives. I dont care that there is life outside of humanity. I dont care that the sunset is beautiful. I dont care that the snow covered fields are gorgeous. I dont care that a persons touch can change a life. I dont care about any of it anymore. I dont care about greater realisations and understandings. I dont care about anything. I dont care about living now.. i dont care about trying. I dont care about a cat a dog a gf a wife a experience a travel a dish a thought a feeling... maybe a feeling.. maybe a thought .. maybe a touch.. maybe but i dont. i dont care anymore. i give up on it. i dont care about my own limitations.. i dont care about my body.. i dont care about my self respect... i dont care about my life... i want to feel one last sense of drive to resist to proclaim i exsist.. then vanish in terror. its what im starting to see. this is pretty different. this is pretty old this is pretty new this is pretty common this is pretty unique for me this is pretty old for you . theres just me. and im dying inside. i dont understand anything anymore. i cant do what i want. i cant touch you how i want. i cant share what i want. i cant flow with you. i cant do anything right even for myself. i cant move righth i cant do things right i cant remember right anymore. i cant keep trying for a positive hope. i cant restrict my thoughts away from my exsistence anymore. my failings as a social individual and individual outside of society are too great. in combination with my own exsistence, they are too much. i cant try anymore i wish youd let me feel one last sense of pain one last sense of dispair outside of my own one last sense of misery one last sense of feeling something then leave me.

    i can still sit back up and disclose a marginal shell of structure and positive energy, but it's not enough to stop the cascading reality that encompasses my exsistence. have you ever kept going regardless of the consqeuences regardless of what it would mean. i kept going for a positive nature regardless of the fact that i touched with death. ir an away so hard i forgot what i was running from. and i cant really remember now, it's a new reason a new rational a new reality. the old is still there. but it's .. it doesnt matter. no ones going to take this or me seriously, but guess what you mother fucker, when you read this soon, youll feel LIKE FUCKING SHIT. and you know what, i dont care anymore. <-- perhaps thats a lie. Perhaps i dont want you to hurt. but If you are in my life, .. you are not my walls. You are not my pillars. you are not my safety nets. you are not my hope. you are not my loves, you are not my dreams, you are not my life lines, you are not my happynes, you cant be any of that anymore. i WILL kill any bit of you or I will humiliate myself by failing to touch and share with you. I donno fuck it. I wish i was a song.. atleast id have a flow. ATLEAST ID BE FUCKING USEFUL ATLEAST I COULD TRY ATLEAST I COULD DO SOMETHING ATLEAST I COULD GIVE SOMETHING UNIQUE BACK ATLEAST ID .. stop living and exsisting on a suicide forum . atleast id be able to be me. whatever that is. atleast atleast atleast .. i can get out of this if i want to I suppose, lie to myself, hope for more. but im sick of hoping i want real. I want in my face i want to touch i want to feel and im fucking never going to get it i know that. I lack the basic skills to even attempt to reach them. let alone flow with them. i lack the patience, the intelligence, the wit the connection the flow th fucking life lessons the care the touch the disconnection the connection the life. i dont i cant i fail every moment and i literally mean that. im just a rock for you to step off from. im just a brick in your wall im just useless and meaningless. i cant even make an impact in anything. what fucking use am i ? I just drain on everything i dont understand how i am still alive. i dont believe anything anymore. i CANT STAND TALKING ABOUT THE WHAT IFS ANYMORE I CANT STAND NOT HAVING LIFE. AND IM NOT PROCRASTINATING! MY ISSUES KILL MY CONNECTION IT @:S NTO FUCKOGDH HGKLKJH DSPROCRATINGADSKJAL$KJ FTYIU FUCK YOU!"!£RWLKUlkj

    im spiraling out very badly... and because i dont do anything.. i can keep going deeper. and deeper until i just release.
    I will be a sterotype eventually. failing in even leaving here. failing in anything and everything failing in life i have no hope. Pain snaps me out of it, pain makes me fear for this body. So I have stayed awayfrom pain all myl ife purposely. so I dont create an endurance to it.. I dont know why i would do that anymore . things change, or has it been things have always been the same. full circle. you never saw me, ive never seen me. i dont know who iam.. why cant i be me.. why cant i be me..please tell me ..why why cant i be me.. why i want to be me. i dont want to hide i want to be me.. leave me alone stop making me attach to your flow i want to be me.. lveav me alone please please go away let me be me.. who am i.. ido nt know what am i .. i give up a little cry there. lol fuck it bounce out like normal Forget that feeling Shell up FORGET FORGET CANT HOLD ON CANT FUCKING HOLDONTOMEMEMFLDSLKJDKGSHFUYCK SAKEKSKLSK!#

    i have to lie now. i have to truly pretend. i thoughti could pretend and survive in it, but its not going to work. i cant hold out that long anymore. i can feel everything about me dissolving. i want to die atleast feeling me.. losing me at once however it goes. you wont believe me i know. i dont believe it yet completely.. but now.. now is different. letting go with a face..just long enough.
    Im just chilling, having a good old time :) Thinking about school you know, got some trips planned, oh going to redecorate, going to take the dog for a walk going to get pissed going to listen to music going to get stoned going to go for a run going to think about gettinginto shape going to think about things going to todo things going to liegoing to hope for some connection going to hope someone sees me going to lie going to go along with it with a smile going to get lost going ot get lost going to get found its not going to happen but ill lie ill pretend ill FUCKING DO THAT until your back is turned, and then ill fade inside a bit more, but i want you to know something. no matter what i do in this life, im always fading slightly... just.. when im alone. i feel closer to me.. and i fade even more. dont hate me dont hate yourself dont care about me.. ffs dont care! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CARE! cause you do?? What you care about is a surface construction created BY WHATEVER was left of me. BUT YOU DONT KNOW ME, youve never SEEN ME, cause Ive never LET me live. You might fucking think this is whateveryone goes through but i dont give a fuck. Ive not been me. I DONT give a fuck about what the rest of world goes through. I dont live in comparison anymore.. and all my life lines are gone.. im just left with my pain my emptyness my shell my lack of life,.. but ican bounce off of you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 28, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are struggling so hard and have lost you in all of this madness.
    You can find YOU again you can with help YES If you have to go to hospital and get stabilized I know you don't want to but do it anyways so you can find you again okay hugs:hugtackles:
  3. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    fuck the hospital. Ive read and watched and seen what society does to ppl in depression. Take some pills. Listen to this rational, try this try that, talk about your feelings we'll listen, we will help, we'll keep you safe, we'll look after you, we'll help you . my fucking ass Youll pump me full of a drug that'll make me even more not me. Youll inject me with your mental structure. youll constrain my flow to yours. youll tell me right from wrong. youll leave me
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    no one can take you from you all they will do is help you get some peace back
    I will not leave YOU you can pm me anytime Meds do work ive been there okay and i am not on them now but they got me through some dam tuff times and i am glad they did
    You keep posting here okay i am hearing your distress but if you want to heal you will need to trust someone and try differnt ways to get you some stability. hugs
  5. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    i dont want to heal. I dont accept that drugs work. They cloud who we are. IN my opinon. I dont have depression I have reality . I dont have a sickness im just me. Im just usless im not depressed. Yes you will leave me . You fail to understand, probably because I wrote this wrong and probably because of my warped perception and desires in life but your position in relation to me is subject to when you are online, to when you want to respond to when you feel it suits you or you can handle it. You will leave eventually. You have to leave eventually I will drain the fucking life out of you if you try because you cannot help mebecause i can not help myself I can not do anything for myself and I wont let anyone ttry becaus theyll jsut get suckedi ntomy black hole ad iw=ont let anyone get hurt by me anymore i..

    I trust people i trust you all alot. but i am aware of the reality of individual lives and where I am at, i cant stand anymore inside. and i cant lean on anyone because hwat i am bleeding out is negative truth that ive held back by being neutral. the truth of waht i am absolutely useless and the truth is i dont knowwhati am inside i dont know who i am i dont know anything about me because inve never been aable to play ive never ebenable to breath me ive never been able to let myself just go and .. i donno i dont know

    but no way.. fuck the health care system. beyond the fact that I dont trust it at all, im not going to drain the resources and time of the individuals and the accomidations and medication when it can be used on someone that is willing to accept that sort of conditioning
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are bleeding out negative truths

    Your words not mine you mind needs healing your choice do you live in constant battle or do you get help

    i fight my demons i do and i give when i can and when isay youcan pm me i mean it. I may not get back right away to you but i will try pending on how ill i am

    meds for awhile gave me sanity and therapy brought me clarity and some peace

    you have to want to heal that is true but i am just letting you know i hear you and i care and i will try to help you see that YOU do matter and you deserve help so you go get it.

    i am tired to day i see my therapist in 5 days a long time it is for me i am tired of the fight i may have to go back on meds for a bit I do hope in time you chose to fight for you too hun hugs to you:hugtackles:
  7. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Fight for what...
  8. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Aye.. i was talking with someone earlier, and alot was said, and it came down to I have to believe in myself.. Which im starting to for a moment and it's getting stronger. But you how it can go when that's gone. Perhaps this is just a stall, I know that's how I feel somewhat.. I dont know what's going on with me to be honest. I dont know what I want. But atleast I have a seperation from that part for now.
    Embarassing this shit is when I feel it. Thanks for your replies Eclipse xx