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In The Evening.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Cortez, Feb 2, 2012.

  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    The isolation has gotten the absolute best of me. From struggling with alcohol last year, getting arrested, losing my license, losing my car, losing my fuckin mind by acting like a complete psycho in public, to now, where I just sit here in this "state" day in and day out.

    This solitude has fucked with my mind, I am bitter, angry, and full of hate. Books being my only solace, but I am so jam packed with work this semester that I can’t find any time to read for pleasure. I can’t stand being around people anymore because this is when I feel my loneliest and most angry. I feel like an alien around people. I look at my peers, classmates, acquaintances, and I hate them, I hate them because they are not alone, I hate them because they can feel happiness, I hate them because they are not ostracized like I am, I hate them because they don’t feel hate like I do, I hate them because they are human, because they love, because they are social creatures, because they feel pleasure. After reading The Vampire Lestat, I must say I feel precisely how the “immortals” felt, how they no longer had sympathy or empathy as they were now vampires, yet they could never again feel what it is to be human, they were stuck, in the same nothingness that I feel, feeling only one pleasure and only because it was the only pleasure they could feel, the only one pleasure I can feel is because it’s biological and wired in me to feel this way, other than that I feel nothing and am nothing. The vampire’s solution to end it was to jump into fire, we all know what that translates to for “mortals”.

    I am bothered and teased on a daily basis, I stand and stare from afar, with an expressionless face, but it says it all in the eyes, the dark tense eyes, with yearning but hate, despair with an act of vengeance as there is nowhere here to move but forward.

    At rest, I strip naked, exposing everything under the skin, only for a while though, I put the skin back on, take my box cutter and proceed to cut my arms, this is where what is underneath the skin is marked on the skin, for a few days at least, for these few days I feel I wear a bit of myself, the freak, loner, weirdo, friendless, unlovable, untouchable, monster that I am.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not a monster the monsters are the ones that hurt you and make you feel less human hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know you have posted much before, but I have never been as impressed with how expressive and insightful you are...I do know what it feels like to not belong and to have no choice but to blame myself for this isolation...to hate myself and everything I stand for (if at all) and to writhe in agony, waiting to either be healed or released...I hope you find a small respite to allow some of your skills in, your intellect, your impressive use of language, etc., and recognize we are not all one thing or another...most of life is in the gray...and please continue to post...many of us feel/have felt as you have expressed
  4. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Nobody directly bothers me or interferes with me, I just meant that in a general figurative manner. I am indirectly teased, annoyed, and bothered, by people in general, while they don't even know it.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand but you are no more a monster hun then the rest of us humans We all have our darkness inside us hugs