i'm 33 years old. i haven't been able to get a job in 7 years. long term unemployed and too many health problems for manual labor (also mental problems bi-polar disorder)-- besides i always end up drinking my jobs away. i've tried to go to school. bio-chemistry is fascinating but i drank it away too. it feels like i've been in a stupor for so long now. i can't stop. i've lost my family. my friends stopped speaking to me. my mom was helping me pay my rent but i got drunk at her friends house and she's cut me off. i don't have any idea what to do but i am about to end up in the streets. i even lost my car. i have a two year old daughter and i can't pay child support because i can't get a job. she is the love of my life and i'm failing her. i drink so much. i get vodka by the gallon and can pretty much tackle one in a night. i hate it. i always feel disgusting and pathetic afterwards. but for a few hours i don't exist. for a little while i can pretend i am smart and am a good dad and a good husband. for a little while it's all blank and i don't feel sad. i wake up unable to breath with intense chest pain. i'm hoping maybe one day i'll just drink myself to death. then my daughter won't have a shitty dad and i won't break my mom's heart anymore. i've tried a.a. and rehab and even church but nothing sticks. why can't i stop? why can't i just put the fucking bottle down??? people without addictions act like i'm just happy as a fuckin clam this way. who would want this life??? i have a few friends with addictions of their own and even they are saying that this is going to kill me. either i'll drink myself to death or i'll kill myself just to make it stop... someone please help.