in the shitter.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by matticus2021, Aug 14, 2014.

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  1. matticus2021

    matticus2021 New Member

    i'm 33 years old. i haven't been able to get a job in 7 years. long term unemployed and too many health problems for manual labor (also mental problems bi-polar disorder)-- besides i always end up drinking my jobs away. i've tried to go to school. bio-chemistry is fascinating but i drank it away too. it feels like i've been in a stupor for so long now. i can't stop. i've lost my family. my friends stopped speaking to me. my mom was helping me pay my rent but i got drunk at her friends house and she's cut me off. i don't have any idea what to do but i am about to end up in the streets. i even lost my car. i have a two year old daughter and i can't pay child support because i can't get a job. she is the love of my life and i'm failing her.

    i drink so much. i get vodka by the gallon and can pretty much tackle one in a night. i hate it. i always feel disgusting and pathetic afterwards. but for a few hours i don't exist. for a little while i can pretend i am smart and am a good dad and a good husband. for a little while it's all blank and i don't feel sad. i wake up unable to breath with intense chest pain. i'm hoping maybe one day i'll just drink myself to death. then my daughter won't have a shitty dad and i won't break my mom's heart anymore. i've tried a.a. and rehab and even church but nothing sticks.

    why can't i stop? why can't i just put the fucking bottle down??? people without addictions act like i'm just happy as a fuckin clam this way. who would want this life??? i have a few friends with addictions of their own and even they are saying that this is going to kill me. either i'll drink myself to death or i'll kill myself just to make it stop...

    someone please help.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. It took a lot of courage to post here and a lot of respect for that. Yes, you are down but first thing to do is to STOP drinking. Please DO NOT THINK YOU are terrible, you are after all another human being who is suffering a crisis. Think of the impact if you do anything on your daughter and other family members.

    You need to STOP drinking as that does not help but just let's the emotions cause inner turmoil. You are a worthy person and do not let anyone else say different. Perhaps speak to someone with specialist knowledge about your addiction. You ARE NOT A LOSS CAUSE but just suffering a crisis.

    People in life do break down but can recover with support and care of others. The pain you feel at the moment is hard but you have deal with it one day at a time. It's going to take time but you managed to do it the past. So please do not think anything different.

    You are struggling at the moment, so do not think you are not alone. I hope this helps you and keep posting for support. You are a worthy person.
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in this place and just want to say I heard you and hope you find the strength to stop drinking as clearly you know until you do nothing will ever get better. My thoughts are with you but nobody can help you but you- at some point you just need to NOT go buy it and drink it, and until you are ready to stop there is no program in the world that will work for you. Sadly you need to help yourself by deciding to quit as a first step and then there are many others and many programs that can make you successful at that.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I drank away my computer science too. LOL.
  5. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    OP, I've lost many a job and dropped out of many classes over the years due to my heroin use. Just to give you an idea, it's taking me 5 years to finish community college when it should have only taken me 2, and the longest period of time that I've managed to keep a job for is 3 months. I've fucked up every single opportunity to do something with my life that I've had so far. I managed to stay clean for 14 months in 2013-2014, but wasn't ready to completely let it go and was convinced in the back of my mind that I would eventually end up getting high again, and that's exactly what ended up happening. I doomed myself to that fate and it came true. After 14 months of being clean, I relapsed 3 times, once in April, once in May, and once in June of this year. However, at this point, I'm sick and fucking tired of everything that my addiction has caused/taken away from me. Now granted, she didn't know about my relapses when she said this, but about a month and a half ago my mom told me that she will pay my tuition if I agree to finally finish my last two courses that I need to get my Associate's Degree. The last time she paid my tuition, not only did I drop out of my classes, I also ended up getting a hefty check from financial aid, refunding me for them. And what did I do with that check, even though it technically wasn't mine? I spent it on heroin. After that binder, I pretty much broke her heart and she told me she was never going to pay my tuition again and kicked me out of the house. So when she changed her mind and told me she believed in me, obviously I felt extremely guilty because I knew what I had done recently and the first question that I asked was "Why?"..."Why would you want to believe in such a worthless failure like myself?" She said she didn't think of me that way and knew that I could do it. At that point, I had a reality check. I've stolen so much money from my family to be able to go on my binders and thought they'd never look at me or think of me the same way again. But obviously, that's not the I had two options, I could either continue doing what I was doing and fucking up my life, break my mom's heart again, and probably get kicked out of my house again at some point (only this time I would have absolutely nowhere else to go). Or, I could say enough is enough, take her up on her offer and actually make her proud. I chose the latter. I haven't gotten high in about 2 months now, and even though I've had several opportunities and enough money to do so, I chose not to. Now granted, I've lost a lot of material things and fucked myself and other people over many times for heroin, but one thing I've never experienced: Prison and drugs on my criminal record. And because of that, I didn't want to stop...apparently the consequences I've suffered weren't bad enough for me to care to stop. And I thought that until that happened, I probably wouldn't. But I realized that that's just sheer luck, and if I keep doing it, one day I will get caught, arrested, and probably serve time. And I can either wait for that to happen or consider myself extremely lucky and stop being an idiot and risking it. Now that's my story. I've lost a lot and I don't want to lose any more, I don't want to continue wasting away and doing nothing with my life. My husband, however, who is also a recovering heroin addict, has a criminal record the size of a restaurant menu...and it's all for drug possession. He's served an overall total of about a year in prison, lived on the streets for several years (including the brutally cold winter months), and from what he's told me, it doesn't sound like a lifestyle that any normal person would be able to handle. I know I sure as hell wouldn't. For some people it takes a hell of a lot of fucking up for them to finally learn their lesson, but that doesn't have to be you. You can choose to not let it get that far. Only you know when you're ready to stop and if you're not ready, there's nothing anybody can say or do to change your mind, but from what it sounds like you do seem sick and tired of living that way. And if you think you're sick and tired now, if you end up on the streets, trust me it can get a lot worse. But you don't have to choose that for yourself. You don't want that kind of life...hell, when you're on the streets, it's more about animalistic instinct and surviving than actually "living". And no alcohol or drug is going to help make that feeling of hopelessness go away when you've truly lost everything. So while you haven't, sincerely think about it and make the right choice.
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly On Leave Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I agree with NYJ, you have to WANT to stop to drinking and you don't sound like you are ready to yet.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,
    Any addiction is hard to break and in my experience the key to breaking your addiction is finding out what is making you want to drink every day, underlying issues that need to be addressed. That is a LOT of alcohol, you need to get help now before you cause damage to your body or more mental damage. Go to your doctor because there are withdrawal symptoms from alcohol just like any drug and the doctor can ease the withdrawal by prescribing you something. You have a little 2 year old and she needs her dad, do this for YOU and HER. Don't even think about it, just seek help, maybe go to alcoholics anonymous too for peer support. You are young, you don't want to be writing here in 5-10 years time that you have cirrhosis of the liver from drinking. So NOW is this time. Good luck to you.
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Also, while it's true that neither AA nor other things are going to fully work for you until you choose stop...that doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep trying to go. For one thing, when you're at an AA meeting, at least you're definitely not drinking. And secondly, you might hear something from someone that clicks for you. I've gone to NA quite a few times while still wanting to get high, hell, I've even showed up to meetings after already getting high and just sat there nodding out, unable to keep my head up. I didn't want to show up like that because I thought it would be pointless, but my sponsor at the time made me do so and told me it was never pointless to go as long as there's even the littlest possibility that I might hear something I can relate to and learn from it. So regardless of whether you're drinking or not, show up to meetings anyway, talk to other people, and try to get a sponsor. AA and NA give you plenty of other things to occupy your time with so that you don't have as much time to think about drinking. Make friends and go to meetings with them, hang out with people outside of meetings, get as many phone numbers as you can, participate in other AA activities outside of group. When I was going to NA on a regular basis, I did all of the above and I had plenty of things to occupy myself with and no time to go get high.
  9. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Addiction is a lifelong struggle, and, relapses just suck. Just don't beat yourself up over it. We just need to always remember to try, and never give up on sobriety.

    Best wishes, and never lose hope...
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