In the tank (an interactive public diary)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by The Nut Low, Mar 28, 2016.

  1. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Day 1:

    I meant to start this sooner but I just didn’t make time for it. I don’t know if it’s just that I am lazy, or just didn’t want to get this on paper (or whatever you call putting it on a website/forum). I’m not really sure how to start this so I guess I should explain what this is and why I am doing it.

    This is my journey to find help, through any means possible. I know there is a diary section on this forum but I wanted people who felt the need to give feedback to be able to do so. I feel very lost in my life and I know I have several demons to slay and I am hoping maybe someone(s) can help me find my way again or just tell me if I am going the right way. This whole thing seems very self-absorbed to me, but I am willing to try anything at this point.

    I made a list of 10 things I want to change to make my life better, and I hope if I write in this every day I will hold myself accountable. So here’s the list:
    1. I would like to get down to around 222 lbs. Currently I am under 340…I think. I’m not at home but I will weigh myself and update it. For what it’s worth I am 6’ 3” and 32 years old.
    2. I have (what I consider) a fairly nice apartment. I haven’t really bought anything for it in the 13 months I have been here. I just signed a lease to stay through July 2017. So maybe try my hand at interior decorating?
    3. I would like to start playing video games again. I love video games, but with my depression I just don’t seem to have the time to just “trophy hunt” like I used to. I would like to start again.
    4. I would like to work on my poker game. I play poker a lot and sometimes I just make really bad decisions. This would be known as “Tilting”. I would like to work on maintaining good discipline.
    5. I would like to curb my…other gambling habits. I tend to go a bit overboard in playing other games that mathematically I know I can’t win at. I would like to keep myself in good money making situations. Although I wouldn’t be opposed to the occasional table game when on vacation or something.
    6. I’d like to start saving money. I have several things I do where I can make some “found money”, I usually piss through it. I would like to start saving it for something, I don’t know what.
    7. I would like to repair old relationships. This probably isn’t realistic with some that have ended and no other communication will be entertained. However there are some relationships I have “access” to that feel like they are fading fast.
    8. I would like to find the courage to meet people. I have lived in Pittsburgh for 8 years now, it has 305,841 people. I have yet to have a friendship out here. I don’t go out (except to the casino, obviously), I don’t like bars, or clubs. Pretty much any and all social situations scare the hell out of me. So I would like to maybe try to fix that.
    9. I would like to meet someone special. I’m not anything amazing, most days I wouldn’t even call myself a “good person”. I’m a lot to handle, and am not very fun with being constantly depressed. I have limited interests and don’t like large social gatherings; resulting in people having to choose me over their friends. It seems impossible to me but I am holding out a minimal amount of hope that someone could actually love me.
    10. Failing 8 and 9, I would like to learn to accept being unwanted and unloved. Again I’m realistic, I wouldn’t date/befriend/touch me so I don’t expect anyone else to either. I would like to make peace with the fact that with everything against me there is a very good chance I will die alone and forgotten.
    So that’s the list.
    My goal is to spend an hour writing every day for this. Obviously I don’t expect anyone to read every entry since I’m sure on days when there is a lot on my mind, these could get to become novels.
    Well I have 15 minutes so I guess I can talk about the battle plan for the day.

    I have $10 in free play at the casino so I plan to go down there and run through it and whatever I have the end cash out. Probably won’t be much but I like to play the $1.25 video poker. Well I don’t LIKE it, it’s just a better game than slots as far as payout over time is concerned. It’s a free shot at money so with no risk its positive expectation. This free play is one of the things I would like to start saving. I can’t really at the moment because I am broke until next my next paycheck (shocking, I know).
    I work overnights so I will probably head home to sleep right after the free play, possibly pick up a breakfast sandwich or something on the way home. I sleep a lot, I should probably add stop sleeping 10-12 hours a day to the list. I need to be up at 9:15-9:30 to get to work on time, so a normal person might go to sleep around noon. I’ll be in bed by 10am, earlier if I go straight home.

    Okay, well time to go. Anything anyone would like to know, I will try to respond to in the next entry.
    Fading_Awayy likes this.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    2. Pick a single item. It could be a painting, pillow, vase, piece of glass and build a room from that.

    4. I would skip playing poker until you learn some emotional regulation skills.

    5. Avoid gambling all together. One bad day, no matter how good the odds can wreck a month or a year if you cannons control yourself.

    8. Check out social sites like meet up.
    The Nut Low likes this.
  3. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Day 2:

    (I had a bunch of stuff written this morning and my boss walked in, I thought I cut/copied/emailed it to me but only the 2nd half was there when I got back....argh)

    I was so tried this morning. I couldn't wait for work to be over. Monday night I tried to do a whole overnight shift (9.5 hours) without my Mt. Dew amp. I did it, but I was so wiped out. I nodded off a bit at work, but such as life. Most of the guys at the shelter are asleep anyways so no harm, no foul I guess. I also dug out my Playstation Vita and started playing some video games again. Just trying to do some little things that make me feel happy again.

    I have taken some of the adivce given by some comments and messages. I signed up for Meet Up and checked out a few groups. I am not sure if I am ready for something like that, but I at least have it as an option now. I still feel like I have to figure out somethings about myself and the way the world works before I go into something like that.

    I also started walking to work and back. It's 2 miles each way so everday I can do both, it's 4 miles. It's something that will offset the overeating for the time being. When I get paid next Friday I want to clean out my entire fridge and get some healthier stuff. When I work I usually just have a microwave to use, but I did some research and found some low sodium Lean Pockets and Cafe Steamers. I'm also trying to do 72 oz. of water during my shift too. It's 3 of my water bottle, and I did that last night.

    I weighed myself Monday and I am currently 336.4, and my "ideal weight" is 222. So I need to lose 114 ish pounds. So....there you have it.

    I went down to the casino after work on Monday morning, I played my free $10 on video poker. I only got $5 back, but I cashed out as soon as I was able to. I was tempted to keep playing, but I made the choice to walk away. Little wins, right?

    I also got to play some online poker at work since there is a lot of down time. I played 3 tournaments and made money in one. I don't usually playing anything super big at work, these were little .50 tournaments. Just something to pass the time and quiet my mind a little.

    I know some people think that I should be not doing any gambling period, and that's totally a valid point. I guess the main reason I gamble and play cards and cling to it so much is because I have nothing else really going on in life. I don't really have any other vices, I don't drink, smoke, go to movies, restaurants, clubs. I don't have any friends to do anything with, and the few that I do I take care of with my winnings, should I win something.

    This is a typical way of how I gamble and you can draw conclusions form it:

    Two weeks ago I went on a trip to Foxwoods with my dad, we stayed four nights. First night there I hit quad aces on video poker that pays $5,000 on a 2, 3, 4 as your fifth card. I paid for everything so it didn’t cost my dad anything. I paid for the gas, the food, the hotel; I gave him $300 to gamble with. My dad has been in a bad way lately with business way off, so I gave him some pocket money. I also gave him $200 to buy back some stuff he had to sell for money, stuff that meant a lot to him.

    So on the last day, I had about $4800 left. My OCD or degenerate gambling mindset or whatever you want to call it wanted $5,000. So I played one slot machine, lost $200, played a high limit one, lost $1500, Started playing $25 video poker and broke even. Finally I decided to put $3,000 in the biggest slot I could find and lost.

    So most people think that’s insanity, and it is. However that is how I typically go about gambling. If I hit something, I take care of the people around me. If everyone is set, I’ll just keep playing.

    I do need to work on toning it down several notches for sure, but I’m not going to stop playing all together. I can and have gone months without playing.

    When I was dating the only ever girl I have dated, I had no real desire to gamble or even play cards. I think that’s where a lot of why I play so much comes from; I have nothing else to do. I take good care of the few people around, and I pay my bills. Then there’s nothing. I mean I could sit on the money I win playing poker or the occasional score at the craps table, but it just doesn’t seem fun.

    So think of me what you will, but that is my relationship with gambling for better or worse.

    I guess the last thing on my mind right now is my two friends Krystle and Jess.

    I’ll probably talk about this more in the next entry but in short, I don’t know how to solidify a relationship with them.

    For starters, I live in Pittsburgh, Jess lives in North Carolina, and Krystle lives in New Hampshire. For those not in the United States I live 12 hours away from both of them. They mean so much to me, but I don’t think I mean too much to them. They aren’t mean or abusive to me they just are "busy". Krystle got married in October and Jess is in a relationship with some guy that doesn’t treat her super well. I don’t talk to them often, but she is clinging to for dear life.

    Everything seems okay, but we just never talk much anymore. If I start a conversation they will "play along" for lack of a better phrase, but they never seem to seek me out. I don't know if that should be a sign or not that maybe they want me to go. They always say they are super busy and they probably are. Krystle is back in school and Jess works two jobs and gives riding lessons. I mean I get busy too, but I've never turned them away when they wanted to talk. I don't know, maybe because they are in relationships I am just supposed to disappear. They mean so much to me and they are all I have left. I wonder if I should just be thankful they even allow me to exist on the fringe of thier lives. That whole beggars can't be choosers idea.

    I don't know if this has anything to do with anything but I think I creeped out Jess a bit. It was Christmas time and she was on the outs with the above mentioned guy. I asked her if it was okay if I bought her something for Christmas and she said yes. I ended up buying her a $200-$300 necklace, I don't recall the exact price. I don't get the opprotunity to do much for people, and I always wanted to buy something really nice for someone for Christmas. It seemed to go over well but then she got back with the guy. Her birthday was Feburary and I asked if it was okay to send her something and she said "It would probably just cause a problem, I'm sorry."

    Ever since then she's been kinda distant and it seems like she hides behing "I'm busy". Again she's not like avoiding/ignoring me but she just doesn't seem to available.

    I'm pretty sure Jess knows I have feelings for her and I guess that was something I should have kept a secret. I mean I don't like cry out "I love you" or stalk her or anything, but still I think that she doesn't want much to do with me knowing that.

    I can't lose them, I don't make new friends hardly ever. If they leave, I'm completely alone.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm reading, and will keep reading. *hug* It's cool to run into someone who lives in the same general area I do. I think this is the first time in the 7 years I've been on this site.
    Anyway, here if you ever feel like talking or need a friend. This site can be a good place to make friends; I've met some of the most amazing and understanding people here. I hope the same happens for you.
    The Nut Low likes this.
  5. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Day 3:

    This not having any Mt. Dew Amp is killing me slowly. I slept a fair amount yesterday and I still nodded off twice at work, once at 2:30am, and once at 5am. It’s 7:10am now, and I feel okay but I have a few things to do before I go home today.

    I think it’s cool that people are looking at this and replying some, it’s nice not to feel so alone. I tried doing private journaling and it didn’t seem to help much. I think it has something to do with knowing that no one would be reading it, like it was just not going anywhere. Doing a journal this way at least tricks my brain into thinking I am talking to someone about these things that just go on and on all day long.

    So this morning when I leave work, I plan on doing the $25 in free play I get at the casino. I need groceries this weekend so I can usually pull enough out of that to grab a few things. I don’t know if I feel up to getting groceries today or not, as usual all I want to do is go to sleep.
    I’m hoping Friday/Saturday (my days off) I will find the energy to clean the apartment and do some laundry. I should try to do laundry before then but I just don’t think I will have anytime. But the apartment is an absolute wreck so that needs to be done.

    I walked to work tonight so that is 2 miles, and 6 miles in the last 26 hours or so. I can’t walk home today because I’ll be taking the bus over to the casino but there is still some walking to do while I am there.
    I was thinking about Jess and Krystle tonight. I was thinking since we are on Facebook that maybe I should try…interacting with their page more? I mean nothing creepy stalker like, just “liking” things and leaving comments. Things like that make me uncomfortable. I’m not one to put myself out there and I don’t want to…invade someone’s space. I don’t think they would mind. People like comments and likes on Facebook right? I know I do, but then again I’m super attention starved so I don’t really know what normal people find acceptable.

    One of the lessons I have learned in life is that you people only want people they care about to care about them. When the good looking, popular guy talks to a girl he is “Sweet, shy, caring, romantic, etc.” When someone like me expresses feelings it is “creepy, awkward, unwanted, weird, etc.”
    I’ve heard that a lot in my life, and I understand it. I have too many problems in life and I don’t think it would be right for me to put myself into someone’s path.
    The other day I was taking the bus home from the casino and I was in a decent mood. While I was on the bus this attractive girl was talking to random people about going back home and she was from Canada. I have been thinking about moving to Canada and I think most guys would try to use that as an ice breaker or conversation starter or whatever. She seemed very open and inviting and all that…but I all I could think was ‘Who the hell am I to talk to someone like that?’
    She eventually got off and I went home, and I felt so low the rest of the day. I just ended up lying in bed and being sad and sleeping until the whole thing was a faded memory. I mean nothing probably would have happened. I’m sure girls like her get enough unwanted creeps talking to them day in and day out.

    I guess I didn’t have much to say today. Leaving work in about 20 minutes and heading to the casino, hopefully hit something nice in the 20 hands I will get to play.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    This kind of diary makes sense to me. It all depends on the person. For some, just writing things out is enough; but for others, having real interaction helps. I'm glad you recognize what does or doesn't work for you.
    You don't strike me as the "unwanted creepy" type. :) I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself.
    For the most part, I think people want likes and comments on Facebook. I can't imagine someone being out there and not wanting those things, because that's what the whole social network is built on. So I don't see anything wrong with you liking or commenting on one of their posts out there.
    The Nut Low likes this.
  7. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Day 4:

    I’m in a pretty good mood this morning. It’s kind of nerdy and no one else will probably think it’s a big deal but, it means something to me.

    So I talked about going to the casino with my Dad two weeks ago. What I didn’t mention was I went up there because I wanted to play in my first major poker tournament series. I only got to play in one event, and I finished in 36th out of 282 which was good enough for a small prize of $554, it cost $300 to get in. I was planning on playing two other events, but I passed on them because I was worn out from the first one that took 11 hours to play.

    Well this morning I was looking on the Hendon Mob website (it’s like the AP poll for college sports but for Poker Players) and I got ranked for my event I cashed in! I am currently ranked 141,000 in the world! Okay, so I know 141,000 doesn’t sound like a lot….but think how many people play poker? To get on this list you have to cash in a “notable series “and the Foxwoods Poker Classic is kind of like the New England Championships. It’s kind of a big thing locally/regionally. Most tournaments only pay out the top 10-15% of the field. So already that puts me into the top 15% of people who play poker in the world.

    Again I’m aware this sounds really lame to people who don’t have an interest but it kind of validates me a little bit. I’ve had both friends and family tell me I shouldn’t do this, I’ll lose all my money. My mother and I actually stopped talking several years ago because of this (well not because of this, but it was a factor…long story I can get into some other time). It feels good to be recognized and that this isn’t some stupid pipe dream and that I can do this.

    So I have three paychecks coming from work in July, so I think with that middle check I am going to play in the Iowa State Poker Championships, another recognized event. Never been there and don’t know what to expect but it’s kind of exciting.

    It’s been a long time since I have had something to look forward to and work towards. I plan on playing as many tournaments locally as I have time for. I get paid next Friday and once I take care of all my bills I should have like $200 or so left over, and I am going to find some cheap tournaments to play at the casino and get some practice in.

    I’m also a little hyped up because I caved and bought 2 mountain dew amps to get through tonight. Work went well, no one did anything bad.

    Free play went well too yesterday, so I am going to pick up some groceries for the weekend.

    Sorry I’m not really focused right now, it’s just the future seems a little less bleak today.
    WildCherry likes this.
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    It doesn't sound lame at all, sounds pretty exciting. Congratulations. :) I have a cousin who plays in a lot of poker tournaments; I don't know much about them, including how well he's ever done. But I know he really enjoys it, and it sounds like you do too.
    The Nut Low likes this.
  9. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 5:

    I missed a day, so I guess I need to change this from days to entries.

    Yesterday was just a clusterfuck. It was going well enough until the end of work.

    To keep things simple, I basically work in a shelter program for homeless people with a Drug and Alcohol problem pair with a mental illness (known as a dual diagnosis). I work the overnight shit, so not much goes on there, all the guys are asleep more or less.

    So at the end of my shift I am supposed to email shift notes to everyone on that works there. Most of the time all my notes say "in his room", "in his room", "in his room".....for obvious reasons.

    So I went through the motions and sent my notes and my boss (who is on vacation by the way) immediately (less than five minutes after sending) a private reply to me saying "So basically you had no interaction with the men...."

    Okay, I've been working the overnight for the last....three years? Two and a half maybe? This has been an ongoing issue with him that he brings up every so often. He even puts that on my EPR (Employee Performace Review) every year that I need to work on engaging with the men more.

    I guess I should also mention that in the last two weeks I have...decided to be more honest with people at work. I would like to think of it as standing up for myself. People takes shots at me, I take shots right back. I've had enough of just walking away over and over and over for years now. Right or wrong, I'm not doing it anymore. So I've had some "issues" with a few of the co-workers who decide they don't need to do anything and just assume I'll clean everything up.

    So sticking to the plan of not taking any guff, since my boss sent me a stupid question, I gave him a stupid answer of "The guys seem to enjoy sleeping at night?".

    Like....seriously, what do you want?

    I even told his #2 basically when he came in to relieve me and he shook his head and said he has no idea why he would say that to me.
    So I left work incredibly pissed off, also being tired probably didn't help.
    I had to drop off my dad's laptop at this computer repair shop yesterday. Which is another saga in itself. At this point I'm trying to find a good place to start because my dad over the past few years has just annoyed the hell out of me with his bad choice making.

    We'll just start with the laptop and pretend he bought it with his own money and didn't try to hit my sister up for money a week before her wedding day (we'll get to that in a different post, i'm sure).

    So my Dad seems to think that I can fix anything with a computer, I can't. I don't know exactly where he got that idea but in his defense, I haven't really done anything to make him believe otherwise.
    When I was in New England visiting him he told me his laptop wasn't working and would I be able to take it home and fix it. I know a place that does good work on the cheap so I said sure. Also as I think I've mentioned before my dad is really having a rough go in life so I try to help him out which I always regret later on.

    The shop is located blocks from where my ex and I....basically played house for two months. I don't like going through that part of town. So much lost potential, so many bad memories, so many tainted good memories, so many bad choices on both sides, so much hurt.

    Anyways, dropped it off it will be fixed this week and I'll pick it up Friday on payday. They said it would only cost $80 or so to fix, it will make him happy....for the moment.

    My friend Krystle posted a photo of a friend we both hung out with in high school, Derek. He died a few years ago, I wasn't aware. I mean I have been for a while, just not when it happened. He was 27 and passed away from cancer (Sad, I had to look that up...I should remember things like that, anyways..). Krystle and I were still going through our "dark period" (another topic we can add for later entries) so I was out of the loop on most things like that.

    My ex-friend Shauna, left a "sad" thing on facebook, the new emotional "like" thing. I really miss Shauna and it's completely my fault I screwed that relationship up beyond saving. I was going to leave a comment under the photo about "time is short and friendship is important" something along those lines...just in hopes that Shauna would see it and try to talk to me.

    How incredibly sick/evil is that of me? I didn't do it, and to be honest the only reason I didn't is because I figure it has a low success rate. One of those "If I knew it would work, I would have gone through with it" things.

    I guess that's everything that has been going on so far. It's Saturday and my only day off. I would like to play some poker tournaments online and maybe play some video games. I also have some free play at the casino, so I should get dressed and get started with that. Absolutely, positively, need to do laundry and get the apartment cleaned today too.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    How are you supposed to interact with men who are sleeping? Just... wow. What is it about that concept that this guy isn't grasping?
    The Nut Low likes this.
  11. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 6:

    So the cable/internet got turned off Saturday afternoon. I thought I had more time to pay that off, guess not. No worries, I get paid on Friday and everything will be at a 0 balance again. Actually if I budgeted right, everything will be paid, house should be filled with two weeks of groceries, my dad’s laptop repair will be taken care of, and I’ll have like $120ish left over….huzzah.

    I got really depressed on Saturday night, and decided to sleep at like 10:30pm until like 8am Sunday morning. I was just super lonely and I couldn’t justify sending an email to Jess or trying to talk to Krystle. It’s an ongoing thing in my mind; I need to somehow have a good reason to talk to someone. I can’t just “pop-in” just because, I don’t like invading people’s space like that.

    So I headed out to the casino, did my free play, got some breakfast and was back home by 10:30am, slept until 3:30 and couldn’t fall back asleep. Of course by 9:30pm when I needed to get up for work I was exhausted. I powered through work with a couple of mountain dew amps, so here I am.

    I have planned out a 2,000 calorie budget for when I go shopping on Friday:

    2 Bottles of Boost Calorie Smart

    2 Bananas

    1 Cup of Milk


    2 Vanilla Activia Yogurts

    3 slices of Salami

    1 Cup of Orange Juice


    1 Lean Pocket Chicken and Broccoli

    1 Café Steamer Tortellini Primavera Parmesan


    24 whole almonds (one suggested serving size)

    Also 3 water bottles of water per day

    In theory this is what a “normal diet” looks like calorie wise, sodium is a touch over what it should be but everything else looks good including potassium, which is good because I don’t think I usually get much of that.

    Also on Friday I will be playing a $70 tournament at the casino, just to get some playing time. I don’t play too many live tournaments and if I am going to play in Iowa in July I need to start getting some experience in any game, even the “cheaper” ones.

    I also want to work on getting some video game stuff done, I have 160 games in my library and only 9 of them have been 100% beaten. So I think I want to do that as well.

    Laundry got done yesterday, cleaning the apartment didn’t. I really needed laundry so I forced myself to do that even though I was depressed as all hell. Maybe this morning I’ll try to round up a bag of trash and try to do one every morning until the apartment is back in order.

    I found a checklist of things everyone should have for their first apartment, I am thinking of printing it off and buying everything on the list so the apartment is brand new from top to bottom; every time I have a few dollars, but one of the smaller things. If I hit something big or log in a bunch of hours at work one pay period, maybe cross off on the of bigger things.
    I just want Friday to get here, so I can get all my bills paid off and get my dad’s laptop back to him.
    WildCherry likes this.
  12. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 7 (part 1?)

    I'm leaving work in 10 minutes but I haven't done an update in a while. Got paid today, and all the bills are paid (the cable bill is already in for May but I'll deal with that in May).

    The plan was to play a tournament at the casino today but I decided to deposit online instead and already blew through the $150, technically with the bonus it was $300....more technically I was at about $450 at my highest, and now have like $1.32 or something...meh it wasn't a huge amount, just something to pass the time at work. It's never fun to lose, but I usually get over it really quickly...if only I can rebound like that in other areas of my life.

    I have to go grab my dad's laptop and send it off to him, I have a pull tab for free slot play at the casino (I plan on putting those winnings into the savings account I never use). I need groceries and to clean the apartment, but I think I'll just get a few things to get me through tomorrow on day 1 of the actual dieting thing, and get the rest tomorrow. I think since this is my last night of "freedom" I might get pizza or something.

    I don't know, lots of stuff I've been thinking about. Maybe tonight since I'll have my internet turned back on I'll explore some things I've been thinking.
  13. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 8:

    Ugh, this weekend did not even go remotely as planned.
    First off, my back decided it was going to try and kill me. I went to the casino Friday and when I was coming back on the subway I fell asleep for a few minutes. When I got home, I laid down on my couch and when I woke up I couldn’t move. I don’t know what happened but I had all sorts of pain in my shoulder, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t do anything. Saturday I went down to the casino again to try and see if some air and walking around would help. I hiccupped while down there and thought I was going to black out from the pain…it was that bad. So I went to Target and grabbed some food and a bottle of Advil (where the bottle range from $5 - $18!?!?) and went home.

    Suffice to say, the groceries didn’t get bought, the apartment didn’t get cleaned, and the laundry didn’t get done. So that was disappointing.

    I had to order out and get some small stuff for work tonight which I wasn’t planning on doing. Oh well, best laid plans yadda yadda yadda.

    So I have several things I want to talk about so I apologize upfront for the length of this entry. I wanted to do this over a couple of days, but again I being immobile pushed all my plans a couple days behind.

    Friday morning I got an email on here from an admin on here who had several valid points and ideas that I wanted to go over. It was very well thought out and I like the ideas, I won’t say who it was and that person can say or not who they were.

    Item #1 – Gambling

    There was a line in the email talking about the endorsement of gambling. This person did not imply I was doing this, but I still want to do a quick PSA like thing anyways.

    I do not endorse “pure gambling” especially for people who don’t have the money to lose. As problematic as many people may see what I do, I do play within my own means. My bills are always kept at bay for the most part. I have no outstanding debt. In the last four years, my rent has been late once and that was because I screwed up my budget because I went on vacation.

    Playing slots or even video poker which pays back up to 99% is still going to cost money in the long run. This is a form of entertainment and that’s it. I don’t do it trying to bail me out of a financial debt or anything like that.

    Poker is an arena of skill and thought and a test of self-discipline and good judgement. Even in a game like this that is profitable for players skilled enough, I play more for enjoyment than to make money. I have no delusions of becoming a multi-million dollar pro or anything like that.

    So cliff notes: Don’t gamble looking to make it rich, play if you enjoy it and if you can’t handle losing don’t play. If you have a problem with gambling, there are plenty of resources out there to get help. If you find this topic to be triggering, then maybe reading this blog isn’t for you.

    Moving on to Item #2 – Mixing up the blog subjects

    So I do spend a lot of time talking about what goes on during my day, unfortunately I haven’t done much. So I do understand it seems a little heavy on the same topics, which wasn’t my intention when I started this. As I stated before I don’t have a lot in my life: I work, I play video games, I gamble.

    I do want to start making more of an effort to talk about other stuff going on in my life, even if most of those subjects are idling. I have mentioned some things in early posts that I wanted to get into, so maybe I’ll start knocking out some of those.

    Item #3 – Moving the blog to another place

    Being new to the site I am not sure how this would work but the idea was presented to be put in a more public setting. I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea if it makes the forum/site a better place. I mean it wasn’t my intention when I started this for it to become a “focal point” for lack of a better phrase, but if people are interested in promoting it…so be it.

    I’m always willing to take questions/comments for future blog posts, if I mentioned something and it needed more explanation or just wanted to know more detail I would be willing to discuss it further.

    So I think for now before this gets too big I am going to end this post here. I think I’ll go back into my posts and read some of the things I said I would get back to and maybe pick a subject for that.
  14. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 9:

    I thought I would talk a little bit more in depth about my dad.

    My dad has gotten different over the years, and our relationship has never been like anything amazing. I kind of resent a lot of things about him.

    My mom (WHOLE different story and set of problems there) was pregnant with me when she was 17, my dad was 25. That to me is not okay, 8 years different might be fine when you get older say 40 and 32 or something but 17 and 25 is iffy. Now I don’t know the whole story everyone has a different side, I’ve heard my mom lied about her age, I heard my dad “took a chance” without a condom, I’ve heard so many different stories; fact remains I was a prom baby. How a 25 year old got into a prom in 1983, I don’t know. So that’s my first thing about him. Some people might think that was okay, I personally don’t like it.

    My dad was usually okay with me growing up. I don’t want to say he did the bare minimum but he did what he knew I guess which was probably limited. I’ve heard stories about his dad being super strict and his dad’s dad (my great grandfather) also being super strict. My dad wasn’t really strict about most things, the usual things: swearing, drinking, smoking, (the last two never being an issue) stuff like that. It was anarchy, it was just okay.

    He had a job he really liked in Boston and when I was 4 we moved to New Hampshire, and he wanted to start his own business. Incredibly long story short it never panned out and I think that was kind of his fall from grace that he never really recovered from. He starting buying and selling through Flea Markets and Auctions to make ends meet and he was never really super successful at it. He made money but it always seemed to just supplement what my mom was working full time.

    They got divorced in 2000, and I had to make a choice and to gloss over that saga, I eventually chose my dad. We moved to a new town about 90 minutes south of where we were in New Hampshire. Due to some stuff I am omitting from here to keep this shorter, I think he kind of gave me free reign to do whatever. He was working overnights at Toys R us to make ends meet while still “dealing” at flea markets and auctions.

    In 2001, he had a friend stay with us. Her name was Emily; it was only supposed to be for a week. She and I didn’t get along…at all. One week turned into two, two into three, three into a month, one month turned into the entire summer. Finally she left, and I felt like I could breathe again. It was going to go back to basically me and him and that was just fine for me. About a week later my dad tells me she’s visiting family in Maine and is stopping by with her 8 year old ADHD son. This time she really did stay only for a week….but then was back to move in one week later.

    Without getting into a whole thing on her, I can tell you the first day she moved in I came home from school and found all my stuff that stayed in the living room (a computer my dad and I saved and bought together, my video game system, etc.) all in a pile outside my bedroom door. In the months/years that followed my father had bought me my own TV and a small fridge and would provide me with groceries (milk, soda, snacks, etc). While this sounds great for a 17-18 year old…I always saw it as more like I was basically exiled into my bedroom, very rarely did I ever leave it.

    Anyways, I moved out very foolishly and very, very angry at him when I was 20.

    Over the next 10 years or so there were periods where I wouldn’t take his calls and then I just sort of got tired of not talking to him.

    I ended up moving to Pittsburgh, and he ended up “divorcing” Emily. What’s that? You didn’t know they had gotten married? Neither did I. Another fact I wasn’t aware of was Emily fell into a large inheritance, I don’t know how much maybe 300k or so. Once my dad was left to fend for himself he was staying at a pretty nasty weekly hotel. The business (at this point he had gotten his auctioneer’s license and doing his own auctions) was dropping off more and more.

    I had just started working at my current job and getting paid well enough, and winning some money on the side playing poker.

    One night he called and said he was very much in debt and didn’t know what he was going to do. He said he needed $500, and I sent it to him. This happened three more times and I sent him $500 each time.

    So now it’s May of 2014, my sister is having a wedding in a few days. I told my dad I would like to go to Foxwoods for a few days before hand and if he would like to stay he can and I’ll cover the room and we can split the food or whatever. About a week before the trip he calls me up saying his laptop died, he needs another one for his business. I ended up buying him one for $400 out of my trip money.

    I go up there and we see my sister before we head to Foxwoods and 5 or 6 days before the wedding. We order pizza and my sister and I drive down to pick it up. We start talking about dad and how he is and everything and she says that she felt bad about his laptop. I said it was fine and that I took care of him to get a new one. She says, “No, I feel bad that I couldn’t help him when he asked me for one.” I was so upset. My sister (who doesn’t earn anywhere near me) is trying to scrape change together to have a small wedding and cut corners everyway she can. This is her big, special day. And he has the balls to ask her for money for a laptop? Are you kidding me?

    She knew I was pissed and she asked me not to start anything with him…and being her wedding, I agreed to keep that information between us. It still angers me to this day.

    Throughout the trip he kept telling me how he wants to pay me back and he is going to pay me back. I try to play it cool and just tell him when things turn around; we can talk about it but don’t worry about it for now. And then he kept saying something I won’t ever forget: “Well it’s important for me to pay you back so I am in good standing if I need money again.”

    The first time he said it I thought, ‘that must have come out wrong, or I misheard him’. But every time he kept bringing up the loans he said that word for word. So paying me back wasn’t important, it was more so he wanted to be able to borrow it again, or more.

    During this summer, I had a good run online in a poker series where I won $2500. It was my biggest check ever from an online site and I was excited to him (or anyone about it). His license for auctions and his bond were due soon and he needed $700 to cover it. I decided to pay the whole thing for him, and keep him in business for another year. At this point he’s past the whole “I’ll pay you back X amount by X date.” He just takes and says thank you I appreciate or whatever and that’s it.

    So the money is sent and I call him a few days later to see if everything went okay. He tells me that his bond went way up because they finally did a credit check on him and he needs like $2,000 or something to cover the bond. I don’t have it, and he said he wouldn’t ask. So he didn’t get his license or his bond….and yet he never returned the money. It has never been brought up again.

    So my dad eventually lost his business, sold what he could to stay in the hotel room until they kicked him out. He has been living in his car for the past 8 weeks, maybe more? I took him to Foxwoods last month with me because I needed a ride from Boston to Connecticut and I paid for everything. I put him in my room, I fed him, and I filled his tank multiple times. When I hit the $5,000 on a video poker machine, I gave him $200 to gamble with and another $100 when he lost that. I gave him $200 to get his stuff that he sold when he was trying to keep himself at the hotel. I also fixed his laptop, or paid to have someone fix and ship it back to him.

    I don’t know what to do with him. I hate to say to no to him, and he tells me stories that his brothers won’t return his calls anymore. In fact he told me a story that he went to see one of them and the first thing his brother said was “I don’t have any money”. I also know he still goes to the track to play the horses, and he has no problem telling me he is up or down for the night. He is working/running a small store that sells antiques so he is “getting by”. I want to be so annoyed and pissed with him but, what am I supposed to do?

    Anyways, I have to get ready to leave for work. I’ll try to do another piece tomorrow.
  15. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 10:

    I am pretty disappointed in myself. The plan today was to go get groceries, do some housework and laundry and to be in bed by 11:15am or so. All of that got done but now I am wide awake at 7:40pm, I need to be "up" at 9:30pm. I just can't seem to sleep 8-9 consecutive hours, but right at 9:30 when I need to go to work, I feel like I could sleep forever.

    It's not that I don't like to sleep, I do enjoy falling asleep to some quiet music, or even the news. It just seems like everyday around 4-5pm, no matter how much or how little sleep I have gotten I am just up and my mind is either thinking about really depressing things or stupid things that could be thought of or taken care of some other time. I am considering getting OTC sleep medications even though I tried one in the past and didn't seem to do much.

    I sent an email to my friend Jess on Monday, I don't know why. I just wanted to talk to her, and that never seems to be a good enough reason in my head. I mean it really isn't, if that's the only reason I needed I would be talking to her everyday.

    I don't know how to get her to talk to me anymore. She does reply and she does "like" things that I post on Facebook from time to time. But...I just don't feel any connection from her. I miss when we used to talk for hours about her problems and I wasn't so invisible.

    I know that for all intents and purposes in my friendships I am expendable, I've...not really made peace with it, but I've just accepted that this is the best I can do. I know I don't mean much to her. I know that she's just "humoring me" at being friends, as long as I don't become a nuisance. We don't live near each other, we have nothing in common, and she's preoccupied with her own life. She's very smart and caring and friendly and beautiful inside and out. I am....not, just not.

    I used to handle being expendable so much better, now it's just sad. None of my relationships are ever going anywhere. I'm still upset and sad about Shauna not being around anymore. Even if she dropped out of the sky's pretty much the same thing with Jess: Long distance, in a relationship, lop-sided, etc.

    Everyone will say that lop-sided relationships and ones with limited ranges aren't good. That make sense...but what if that's all you can do? Is the right play to really spend the rest of my life in a social cave?

    I can't meet new people, it's not fair to them. Anytime I meet someone it's either someone I am not interested in, or someone I feel is too good for me. Even when I find that "sweet spot" of someone I like and I think I could get to like me...I know it's not going to work. Usually it's someone who is just alone as me, but eventually other people notice them. I don't compete well socially so I almost always get left behind. Again, understandable. I don't even want to be around me, why the hell would anyone else?

    I guess I should stare at the ceiling for an hour before going to work.
  16. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 11:

    35 minutes or so until I leave work and I am beyond exhausted, which means my depression and anxiety pretty much have a free run at me. I need to finish getting the rest of my groceries and try to take out another 2 bags of trash out of the house. I did two yesterday while doing the laundry and barely made a dent in the living room, it's thats bad.

    I wish I was more interesting.

    Words aren't really coming today...this is all I've writen in 15 minutes sitting in the office.

    I hope nobody else ever has to go through the things I do. I get stupidly excited over the littlest social things, when Jess or Krystle "like" something I post on Facebook...I get really happy and have full blown fantasies of being close friends and talking all the time. I hate when I do things like that.

    You wanna know how I met Jess? We had one class together in high school, one. If it wasn't for that class I never would have met her or known anything about her. You wanna know the reason I became obsessed or infatuated or really into her? She said "hi" to me on my first day at my new high school. That's it. I didn't know anything about her, didn't know her name, her story. I was so attention starved having a girl say hello was all it took. It's not the first time and probably won't be the last time that happens.

    It's been a problem for so long that when I am around someone I like or find attractive in someway (I know this sounds horrible but it's usually physical...but really what else is there to go on on a total stranger) I get physically sick. It's so built up in my head that I will do something bad or turn some small thing (i.e. saying hello first to me) that it will blow up in my mind as some deep romantic relationship. Nothing has even happened yet, and already in my mind I am trying to convince myself that I am worth it and she could be different and she is "the one". I wonder if this is how stalkers and other bottom feeders of society operate. It keeps me up sometimes that I am in fact one of them.

    I also have an irrational fear that I could be one of these people that shoots up a mall or college or something. I don't like guns, I don't know anything about guns....but I worry about how much I sympathize with how they are. There was that kid in California who shot up a sorority row, and he had that video message about how no one would ever notice him, he was...whatever age and had never been on a date, people thought he was stupid and ugly. He had this whole monologue about how impossible it is to get someone to give you a chance when you have so little to offer.

    The couple of people I had were talking about it and how much of a monster he was and how evil he was. I kept thinking "well...he wasn't wrong." I mean obviously killing a bunch of people that had nothing to do with anything is horrible, but his words weren't exactly illogical to me. Does that make me a monster? Am I just one bad day or one more bad thing away from crossing the line and going past the point of no return?

    Maybe I should cut my ties with Jess and Krystle, just in case I really am some....sleeper pyschopath or something. Even if I am not, they have lives and they deserve better than anything I can offer. I have fears about doing something to them sometimes. Maybe it's good about being far away, what if something happens and I just can't take one more rejection.

    Normal people don't have these thoughts. Normal people don't spend their time wondering what kind of psychopath they might be harboring inside? Mass murderer, rapist, stalker....

    I scare myself so much sometimes.
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Just want you to know I'm still here and listening. *hug* Also here if you just need someone to talk to.
    The Nut Low likes this.
  18. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 12:

    I guess I'll just make this quick because I'm tired and I don't really have much to say.

    Yesterday I was feeling rather low and I called my dad to remind him that his laptop should be arriving at his shop. He told me his car is pretty much dead. He said he thinks it's the starter but he's pretty much stuck at the rest area he has been sleeping at for months now. I didn't know what to say so I just got off the phone as quickly as I could. I haven't called him back, I don't expect any good news from him.

    I brought in healthy stuff to eat at work tonight but of course....microwave is broken. So I ended up eating whatever there was for leftovers in the kitchen. The only positive note is the only thing I drank all night was water, I didn't get my usual Mountian Dew Amps. I did however sleep like an hour during the shift.

    I've started doing this really pathetic thing where I post stuff on my Facebook that I know Jess would "like". These happy little quotes about life being magical, etc. It's not hurting anybody I guess, and it makes me feel less invisible when she does things like that. Maybe it's manipulation, but it might be helping her get through her day without me actually bothering her.

    I walked to work and since I don't have to do anything after work, I can walk home so that's about 4 miles round trip.

    The hell with it, I think I am going to go home early. I'm just tired and nobody really cares if I leave or not.
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I don't think it's manipulation. Sometimes we all just need to be acknowledged... we need to know someone's listening, or reading. When someone feels alone, a like on a Facebook status can make a difference, because for those few seconds, you feel more connected.
    The Nut Low likes this.
  20. The Nut Low

    The Nut Low Active Member

    Entry 13:

    Leaving to run some errands today, and then I work 3:30 - 11 tonight. I guess my boss decided to take me off of "timeout" since he hasn't given me any extra shifts in a while.

    I'm pretty tired, I tried to wash my bedding and was told my pillows are machine washable....they weren't. So now in my loft are 2 lightly damp blankets and 3 sponges that used to be pillows. I'm hoping they dry at some point today.

    I'm kind of frustrated that Jess never seems to respond when I say, "I miss our talks."

    I tried to be a good friend to her, she meant everything to me. She still does. But as I have experienced many times, once you are friends with a woman and they find a boyfriend...that's it.

    I don't know what to do anymore.

    We used to talk a lot by text and the only reason it stopped was because I didn't want to bother her at her new job. She works as a receptionist and at her old receptionist job she would talk to me when she had time which seemed pretty often.

    I just don't want to push anything because I know once this becomes the least bit inconvenient she'll be done with me. She'll just start staying "I'm busy". Which is everyone's favorite phrase to blow me off. I had 4 close friends at one point and they have all been the world's busiest people ever. I'm sure that's just bad luck though. It can't possibly be that I am just not someone anyone should have to be subjected to.

    I really tried to take care of Jess....I mean I know I did something pretty messed up to her (I still don't really want to talk about it) but I tried to do the right thing and support her when no one would. I spent hours on the phone with her listening to her problems. Some nights she cried so hard I couldn't even understand her. I made sure she had money to live off of and food in the house. Even when she found out about what I did and didn't want to talk, I still sent her Western Union every so often because I wanted her to be okay.

    I know I don't deserve it, but I thought she would always be around.

    Again I can't say any of this because I'll just get back a response of "I'm sorry I have a life, a boyfriend, two jobs, horses, etc." and I'll look like a selfish asshole.

    Which probably isn't far from the truth.