Day 1: I meant to start this sooner but I just didn’t make time for it. I don’t know if it’s just that I am lazy, or just didn’t want to get this on paper (or whatever you call putting it on a website/forum). I’m not really sure how to start this so I guess I should explain what this is and why I am doing it. This is my journey to find help, through any means possible. I know there is a diary section on this forum but I wanted people who felt the need to give feedback to be able to do so. I feel very lost in my life and I know I have several demons to slay and I am hoping maybe someone(s) can help me find my way again or just tell me if I am going the right way. This whole thing seems very self-absorbed to me, but I am willing to try anything at this point. I made a list of 10 things I want to change to make my life better, and I hope if I write in this every day I will hold myself accountable. So here’s the list: 1. I would like to get down to around 222 lbs. Currently I am under 340…I think. I’m not at home but I will weigh myself and update it. For what it’s worth I am 6’ 3” and 32 years old. 2. I have (what I consider) a fairly nice apartment. I haven’t really bought anything for it in the 13 months I have been here. I just signed a lease to stay through July 2017. So maybe try my hand at interior decorating? 3. I would like to start playing video games again. I love video games, but with my depression I just don’t seem to have the time to just “trophy hunt” like I used to. I would like to start again. 4. I would like to work on my poker game. I play poker a lot and sometimes I just make really bad decisions. This would be known as “Tilting”. I would like to work on maintaining good discipline. 5. I would like to curb my…other gambling habits. I tend to go a bit overboard in playing other games that mathematically I know I can’t win at. I would like to keep myself in good money making situations. Although I wouldn’t be opposed to the occasional table game when on vacation or something. 6. I’d like to start saving money. I have several things I do where I can make some “found money”, I usually piss through it. I would like to start saving it for something, I don’t know what. 7. I would like to repair old relationships. This probably isn’t realistic with some that have ended and no other communication will be entertained. However there are some relationships I have “access” to that feel like they are fading fast. 8. I would like to find the courage to meet people. I have lived in Pittsburgh for 8 years now, it has 305,841 people. I have yet to have a friendship out here. I don’t go out (except to the casino, obviously), I don’t like bars, or clubs. Pretty much any and all social situations scare the hell out of me. So I would like to maybe try to fix that. 9. I would like to meet someone special. I’m not anything amazing, most days I wouldn’t even call myself a “good person”. I’m a lot to handle, and am not very fun with being constantly depressed. I have limited interests and don’t like large social gatherings; resulting in people having to choose me over their friends. It seems impossible to me but I am holding out a minimal amount of hope that someone could actually love me. 10. Failing 8 and 9, I would like to learn to accept being unwanted and unloved. Again I’m realistic, I wouldn’t date/befriend/touch me so I don’t expect anyone else to either. I would like to make peace with the fact that with everything against me there is a very good chance I will die alone and forgotten. So that’s the list. My goal is to spend an hour writing every day for this. Obviously I don’t expect anyone to read every entry since I’m sure on days when there is a lot on my mind, these could get to become novels. Well I have 15 minutes so I guess I can talk about the battle plan for the day. I have $10 in free play at the casino so I plan to go down there and run through it and whatever I have the end cash out. Probably won’t be much but I like to play the $1.25 video poker. Well I don’t LIKE it, it’s just a better game than slots as far as payout over time is concerned. It’s a free shot at money so with no risk its positive expectation. This free play is one of the things I would like to start saving. I can’t really at the moment because I am broke until next my next paycheck (shocking, I know). I work overnights so I will probably head home to sleep right after the free play, possibly pick up a breakfast sandwich or something on the way home. I sleep a lot, I should probably add stop sleeping 10-12 hours a day to the list. I need to be up at 9:15-9:30 to get to work on time, so a normal person might go to sleep around noon. I’ll be in bed by 10am, earlier if I go straight home. Okay, well time to go. Anything anyone would like to know, I will try to respond to in the next entry.