In too deep and can't get out.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MasterJesus, Jan 28, 2015.

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  1. MasterJesus

    MasterJesus New Member

    Hi.

    I'm not too good at flat out expressing my problems. I usually ramble a lot, trying to make a point. Forgive me if I get off track, nasty habit.

    Anyway, I'm 19. 20 in February. I graduated in 2013 and literally the day after I walked across the stage I moved out of my parents house and went to college. I am 100% not the brightest and took a course I couldn't handle. So I moved back home, applied elsewhere and moved again. I am now in college #2 and I have realized I am not college material. Drop out you might say? 10k+ student loan debt (not that much compared to universities but still) Where I'm living now, jobs are scarce and I have $570 rent each month, not to mention food and payment on my loan if I drop out again. Once again, I am in over my head. Money is now a major issue and I don't want to move back home. Guys, I wake up everyday and dread the thought of class. I was sick for the past week and am so far behind its killing me. I can't grasp the work and I can't make it through year 1 let alone year 2.

    I hate myself, I hate what i've done, I hate almost every choice I have made. To put this out there, I have a lucky friendship with my parents. I get along very well and call them everyday. That bridge isn't burned. I feel alone, I feel left behind, and worst of all I feel like I can't fix this. I am not cut out for college and it hurts my pride to admit it. I talked it up so much, I made it such a big deal. I have an anxiety problem to point of not wanting to leave my apartment, I can't even wear a headset and talk to random people on xbox live because I fear contact with people I don't know. Thats how bad this has become.

    I'm lost and never got that promised Life Class in high school. I don't know what I'm doing and my parents really aren't getting it. They try and help and tell me everything is okay but its NOT. I don't want to be where I am, I WANT a job, but I can't deal with the public. Its getting to the point where I would tough it out if a job became available but I live in such a small town that there are literally NO jobs.

    The only thing keeping me alive is my student loan, which would disappear if I did whats right and dropped out. I went through this last year but I had an awesome roommate who is my only friend at the moment, who basically kept my head up. I don't want to burden him with my problems because he has so many of his own. He looks to me for advice, I can't just flip it and ask him. He'd lose his trusted listener and support, at least thats how I see it.

    I guess what I'm really trying to ask is, how do I fix this? I'm too young and immature to cope with life and maybe a reset would be easiest? I sit in my bed and think about how easy it would be to slide a blade across my wrists and slowly drift away. Free of all my problems, free of the humiliation. The only thing keeping me from doing it is, well, humiliation. That would destroy my mother. See, even if I'm at peace, someone else is pissed off.

    Now that we have that out of the way, I need help. If anyone has been in this position and can give me some words of encouragement that would be great. I just need to get out of school and be able to support myself long enough to work out a job and wake up to a brighter tomorrow. And yes, suicide is a cop out and this whole thing is an easy fix but I'm not seeing it and its turning me into a coward. This whole thing is probably a walk in the park for some people but for me, its slowly killing me.
     
    MasterJesus, Jan 28, 2015
    #1
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Firstly, you are at a young age and have the rest of the life in front of you. I understand you are suffering and that's nothing to be ashamed off. You have gone to college and think it may be the wrong. That's understandable but you need to speak to a consellor about this. It might be worth talking to your parents especially you mother. Yes, your parents will be dis-appointed but they would rather know what is happening. They will be repercussions but that can be dealt with on a day by day basis.

    I'm not being negative now but family and people will talk but that's nothing to be worried about. The important thing is your welfare. Please do not self-harm as that will not help. There are alternatives to self-harm such as an elastic band of ice cubes.

    You could ask if you can defer a year from your college until you right in yourself. The important thing is YOU as you no need to struggle on your own. You are going through a vicious circle and there is a POSITIVE WAY OUT.

    Please keep posting, as you will find it help you get support from a supportive community.

    Be safe and take care.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2015
    Unknown_111, Jan 29, 2015
    #2
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are in a position that a huge percentage of young people find themselves in. In the US we let people 17-19 years old with no life experience take out tens of thousands in student loans to further their education with very little guidance and no oversight. The ones that are supposed to be helping- the high school guidance counselors - get job performance ratings based on percentage of students that pursue further education so they push that very hard and all they push is that doe snot matter what - just go somewhere for further education. Then 1-3 years later over 30% of these people have discovered that they have no interest in the field, a lack of ability to be competitive in some ultra competitive field, or not enough resources to continue to completion because it was so easy to start and none mentioned it got harder and more expensive as they continued. End result is 1/3rd or more of people saddled with a lot of debt, and in a very hard position. I guess my point is, you are in very good company and it is not "just you" that made some decisions you regret or that lacked follow through.

    The good news is though this is a difficult position, your parents have wisdom and experience on their side in saying it is in fact going to be okay. The student loans can be kept in deferment for the first 2 years after stopping school for practically any reason at all, and financial hardship certainly qualifies. Also, while 10k seems a lot, it is really not a huge amount - in 10 years after having had a couple car loans for 2x that, and a mortgage for 15x that amount you will realize it.

    You have some options. First, you said you had not burnt bridges and had a good relationship with your parents, you can go back home and save your biggest expenses so you can afford to work a minimum wage job until your have skill and experience to apply for and get better. Without living expenses that would be more than enough to either save for moving out later or to pay down that debt very quickly if you are certain that you do not want to pursue college. Get some counseling to plan a course of treatment for the anxiety to help in that endeavor.

    If there are literally no jobs in your town, then you can move to another area. Unemployment is at a very low rate right now and there are a great many areas that getting a job is not difficult. Most are entry level minimum wage jobs, bit without college working 2 jobs is not difficult. That is a slow start compared to your dreams of getting a degree and 60k a year job that all have after high school, but it is where many still end up starting even with the 4 year degree and $50k in student loans so no reason to beat yourself up about it.

    You have tried 2 colleges, if you really want to continue education and you are not interested in higher academics what about trade schools? I am not going to throw out different trades as I have no idea where your interests or abilities are, but there are a lot available depending on your area. I would strongly recommend you look at the ones though the community colleges as opposed to the ones at the for profit schools. Why? Look at graduation and placement rates and read the reviews from anyplace except the for profit school itself. While there may be a few good programs in the for profit schools most are overpriced and actual job placement is abysmal (they are after all just a business trying to make a profit). These are the ones you see advertised on TV and hear on the radio and in your spam folder. There is a reason they do all that advertising. The community colleges usually have a wait list but there is a reason for that- they are good programs and reasonably priced.

    While none of these options meet your big dreams that most high school seniors have, they are all ways to get back on track. Hating yourself for being in the same position as many are in after a couple years and most go through after getting the degree is not warranted. Yopu did nothing wrong. You did what everybody said you should do. Now it is time to remember you are not everybody else, you are yourself, and make plans that work for you as an individual. Be proud you learnt in 2 years what takes much longer for many to learn- that you have to live your life in a way that works for you and not based on a TV reality. You have not failed at anything yet, you are just learning what you need to do for yourself to be successful and if that is different than the original plan then so be it. Listen to your parents, it really is okay, and get some help wiht the anxiety that making things so much harder for you.


    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
    JmpMster, Jan 29, 2015
    #3
  4. Dewonderland

    Dewonderland Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    Okay I will say something super cliche first : you are young.

    Which isn't everything but I mean it.
    It still a huge advantage.
    think about that.

    I don't know if it will help but I knwo people, 40 years old, going back to university while working a shitty job because they want to get something better and more interesting.

    I won't be very obective on the subject becaue I am very much a school kind of personn. I believe in education as a way to free yourself.
    The problem is that in our modern society you often have to get some education to free yourself from stupid peolple who will take advantage of you if you have no degree, no matter how great a personn you are.

    Plus I strongly belive there is not such a thing as a 'not student material' it might not be the studies that fits you, there might be bad teachers ... but if you're in the right school you are just as much a student material as anyone. And I would even say that with a good teacher you can learn even something you weren't made for (but you need to be lucky to have one of those great teachers that changes your life)

    So I think you need to be rational and strong.
    - point out what you want what you like. This might be hard (so for this you might need to refer to the last part of my story, aka teacher anecdote)
    - don't be too dreamy about the world reality. You need to not dig the debt but you probably need to have a diploma into something to at least start somewhere. Even if it's not what you want right now. Right now you have the opportunity to study properly, later it will be more difficult. You can drop if you feel strong enough but building a life for you on your own will be super hard. Be ready for this beforehand !
    - Don't get yourself overwhelmed with problems either. You take one thing after one another and people might tell you this is the end of the world becauses you didn't cross the road on the white stripes ... but this is just a point of vue.
    - You probably can talk to you teachers. You might go to one of them, explain them, and ... maybe some of them are not real teachers and won't understand but a real teacher want for his students to achieve something and they will help you. Believe in them !
    - Your parents love you ! It should be normal but I think like you that it is something super great ! and as the song goes : "who says, you can't go back ?" you can go back home. And you can ask your parents for advice. It's hard because you don't want to disappoint them (and this feeling also have its value you might consider) but your parents are there for you so you can talk to them. It might help you to figure things out.
    - Your friend can help you. Every one needs someone but everyone needs to be needed. Your friend will probably be very happy to share a fair friend ship with you. That kind of relation where you are equal and you can both help each others to go higher.
    If he's not that kind of guy, he's probably not really a friend either so it's good to know also.

    Okay,

    This is it.

    I don't know if it helps.

    But anyway stay on track     !
    When I was a student, at some point I got lost too.
    I was studying something ... but I was in this university by pure luck and I was wondering why I will do with this, I had no plan AT ALL.
    I was lucky it was a small university and one of my teacher saw this and called me in.
    She wasn't condescendent and she didn't nurse me.
    I was a bit miserable and I told her I didn't even knew where I was going and she told me this :
    "it's not because you don't know what you're doing that you shouldn't do it properly."

    10 years later I remember it.
    It made sens to me. Live the present, be where you are now. one day after another ...


    You're not alone. If you feel weak reach for your family and friends and your teachers for support or motivation.
    You have more strengh in yourself that you think.
    Don't doubt that you're full of possibility.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2015
    Dewonderland, Jan 29, 2015
    #4
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